The close of another year

Here I sit in the final hours of 2011 and I've taken a long hard look at this year, and I'm amazed.

I started 2011 with around $50 to my name, and when I say to my name I really meant that. I had about fifty cents in my savings account and around fifty dollars in my checking account and wallet combined. I had lost my job as a student worker last October due to no longer being a student. Of course, we all know what came of that student situation...

But, as I was saying, I started this year in severe financial distress. I heavily depended on my mother for help, as much as it bothered me to do so. Even then, I did everything to avoid asking for money, which ultimately took me down a dark road: eBay. In the early months of 2011, I had a very intimate relationship with the online auction site. It's true what they say about finding the means when your back is to the wall. I'm sad to say that I sold many things that I'll never get back. I sold my rare copies of Xenogears and Intelligent Cube, I sold my Tench Muyo Ultimate Edition DVD set, I sold my unopened Adobe CS5 Creative Suite, I sold my PSP, I sold my Sega CDX, I sold my unopened Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time/Master Quest discs. I sold many of these things way below their value because I was desperate. I sold a game worth $70+ dollars for $40 just so that I could make up the money to pay my cell phone bill that month.

In between painfully selling just about everything I had that was worth something, I was struggling to find a job. This year I've learned the ins and outs of job hunting. I can't tell how many applications I've filled out, or how many interviews I've sat for. I've been so desensitized from the interviews that go well only to end in the telltale I'll get back to you, which was a nice way of saying NO.

I became severely depressed, and with no work, I just sat around the house just neglecting everything. I've gained 20 pounds this year because I had completely lost faith in myself. Money was so tight that I couldn't even drive to the gym because I had to conserve gas. Of course, I could have done simple exercises at home, there's enough space in my room for situps or pushups. I do none of those things. I just sat there feeling sorry for myself, all the while, clinging to that sliver of positivity in that things would get better. In the middle of January I had false hope of a job. I made it to the second interview and things were going well, then they never got back to me. I tried calling the place, and they just ignored me. I was down, and had to sell more things on eBay.

This went for four more months until I received a call for a contract job. It paid $15/hr and I was overjoyed to finally have work. Strangely, on the way to that job, I received a call for an interview to the job that I have now. Things always work themselves out in the end. So I'm proud to say that my temp to hire became a permanent position. Even better, starting next month, I'm getting insurance and paid vacation/sick days.

On Friday, I went over to the house of a former co-worker. She's one of the petite women, I believe I've mentioned her before. Anyway, I was there to do some computer work for her. It was at that time I realized that things had to change. I didn't want to be in this same situation this time next year. I brought it up to her and we talked at length about controlling life and making the most of it. I envy her, she has a very nice car and her own apartment. She lives with her two tiny dogs, but there's this sadness about her. It was especially apparent when I mentioned that out of all the people I went to high school with, I'm one of the very few left that's unmarried without children and she agreed with that slight air of depression. I hope she finds someone.

I told her that in 2012, I'm going to be more outgoing. I don't want to be alone anymore, I want to make friends that I can hangout with and I want to meet a woman that I can be happy with. These things won't just fall into my lap. I need to get my shit together. With a stable job situation, I need to work on significantly decreasing my debt. She also encouraged me to make a list of all the things I want to do next year. I think it's good to have some form of visual aide for your goals. I want to go skydiving and bungee jumping next year. I have to stop making excuses and being afraid, I'm getting older and too much has passed me by. I'm looking forward to 2012.

There are many goals I have for the coming year. Over the course of this year, I've listed many goals for myself. I've met some and failed miserably at a few. I failed to read 20 books this year, but will make a stronger effort next year. Things that will happen next year are:

1. I will finish Sounds of Love
2. I will finish Falling for Summer
3. I will finish the Bloody Kisses rewrite
4. I will finish Aphrodite Academy, book 1
5. I will edit the shit out of Tainted Butterfly
6. I will write more one shots.
7. I will take my writing more seriously
8. I will significantly reduce my debt
9. I will be more outgoing
10. I will get back into shape
11. I will talk to women. (I have to stop being a coward)

I can finish most of those stories because the outlines are written, it's just the focus. I know all these things won't happen at once, and they'll take a lot of hard work and dedication on my part. I don't want my life to be so meaningless. Things will only change if I make them.

2011 was a trying year for me, and I've learned a lot about myself and have seen the lows. Even as my car is likely dying on me, I have to keep faith that things will get better. I'm going to work even harder this year, I have too much wasted potential, and if I were to make a resolution, it's to not be in the same position this time next year.

Happy New Year to whoever's reading this, if you have a pulse.