The 'Mare

Slightly perverted story idea.

2012-01-24T21:19:00.003-05:00

So there's this idea that's been marinating in my subconscious for a few years now. At one point, it seemed like an extremely stupid idea, but the more I really think about it, it heavily reflects on me as a person. It all stems back to that day in my college algebra class when I caught myself staring a bit too much at my "chubby" math teacher.

For some reason I began subconsciously sexualizing her and it just went on and on in my mind, despite the internal struggle of resistance. I finally accepted that I'm on many levels attracted to chubby women. It still sounds weird admitting that, despite the evolution its had in my writing. Basically, the idea stems from a certain person I know who falls in the chubby category. Back when I was in much better shape than I am now, she used to compliment me all the time about my muscles. *cries* I had this weird idea that in order to get chubby girls, I had to be in amazing shape. Actually, it was to get her I had to be in amazing shape because it would impress her. I long realized that was far from the truth, and thankfully she wasn't that vain.

Despite learning she wasn't hung up on physique,that idea still stuck with me. Even when I made that decision years ago to finally join an gym and take back my health, I still felt that once I got back into shape, I could get a girl like her. Society would paint a much different picture about the physical preferences of chubby girls, but I was fixated on being the perfect guy for her, as superficial and flawed as my reasoning was.

This kept on for years as I've gone to the gym, still with that idea in the back of my mind, and it sort of manifested into a storyline. Actually, the most relatable scenario would be from American Beauty, where the father, Lester, wanted to have sex with his daughter's slutty friend. He overheard her saying she'd sleep with him if he we worked out. So he did just that in order to woo her. Would that same ideology work on a chubby girl. Could a guy be so fixated on having sex with her that he'll literally transform himself into an athlete to catch her eye?

That's the idea that's been in my head for years, and it wants to come out. Truth, it's mostly based on real life, but as a story, it can actually be interesting and I have actual source material to base it on. However, is wanting to have sex with a chubby, or fat girl, enough to drive a full on story, or is this novella material?

I really want to write this, but I have such a huge backlog of projects, and Nanowrimo is too far away. If I did this for Nano, then it would definitely turn into a story regardless of the source material. But there's a far greater question, would this actually be a boy/girl story? If it's based on real life, I can't see the protagonist morphing into a girl, that would almost seem sexist. It sounds more logical for the main character to be a guy, and I'm surely lacking in "normal" stories anyway. We'll see, we'll see.

Back on track.

2012-01-23T01:23:00.000-05:00

I've finally gotten around to working on Chapter 58 of Falling for Summer. Actually, I rewrote the first page, taking the chapter in a completely new direction. It was sorely needed as the story was just getting stale at this point, and I really needed to use all these wasted resources. We've heard about Abby and Summer to death, why not talk about the other many characters. I'm confident that this chapter will turn out great and my readers will feel it was worth the way. Yay me for being positive.

I'm also working on chapter 23 of Sounds of Love, first page finished as well. Not sure when that chapter will be finished. I'd like to say the end of this week, but I have no idea. With all the fall TV shows returning it's going to be a crunch for time.

DAMMIT, this keyboard is going! It's so damn unresponsive now, the keys lag soooo much and there's nothing I can change in the settings. I just have to accept the fact that I'm an abusive typist, or maybe I just write too damn much. Whatever the case, I need a new keyboard ASAP, a new mouse wouldn't hurt either, but that can wait. I think I'll give a Microsoft keyboard a try this time around. Ugh, WHY did I buy a refurb???

New week, new gym efforts. We'll see how that turns out. It's 1:22 and I should totally be in bed. Yeah, great start...

Don't go teasing scenes

2012-01-16T20:53:00.002-05:00

Warning! Sounds of Love Spoilers:

Well, I've inadvertently caused myself to have to write a specific scene for Sounds of Love. It's my fault because I kept teasing it within the story and I kept revising it and adding more depth to it. I'm referring to the Anime Convention that Sumi is attenting. It was at first, just a minor background detail, then she asked Marissa to be her date.

I should have left well enough alone, but it kept resurfacing and Sumi began talking more about anime and her she loves to cosplay. Then she talked Marissa into cosplaying with her. Still, the scene could have faded into nothingness but yet again, Sumi just had to remind Marissa about the convention and get the brilliant idea of what costume Marissa could wear. It was even worse then Azumi offered to make Marissa the costume. So, yeah, they're officially going to the anime convention within the story now.

It's funny that I was reading an article in Writer's Digest about this exact thing. Basically, don't make promises for scenes and events then don't follow through. That really annoys the reader. Besides, I'm sure people are just drying to know how Sumi is going to pull off Mina Tepes.

End of Spoilers

In other news, Syfy is debuting a new show tonight, Lost Girl. It's about a woman who discovers she's a succubus. It sounds interesting. I actually have a succubus character in the Bloody Kisses revamp (no pun intended). I'll see how this series goes, or better yet, I'll invest in two episodes to see it's worth my time. I'm so tired, need to stop those late night Saints Row: The third co-op sessions.

Seriously, I've had it with this keyboard.The keys are SO stiff now, it's annoying to type. I need something new, and I like this one. Damn, I need a reinforced keyboard. I really wonder if this is common with writers, or do I just keep getting flimsy keyboards?

Oh and I'm going to the Atlanta Sony PSVita on Wednesday. It's going to be awesome and I'll get a free shirt...and a chance to win a Vita. I totally want that shirt though. Yes, I'm odd.

Sounds of Love Chapter 22: Ghosts of Relationships Past, a romance fiction - FictionPress.com

2012-01-14T17:53:00.000-05:00

Sounds of Love Chapter 22: Ghosts of Relationships Past, a romance fiction - FictionPress.com

Chapter 22 is finally up. I've had it sitting on my computer for a while, too many distractions.

So anyway, I've really been slacking on blogging so far. I haven't gone to the gym much even though I said I would. I'm not blaming anyone, I create too many excuses as to why it's okay to go tomorrow, and tomorrow seems to just follow the trend. I did go to the gym once this week and I'm still making the effort to keep going. I am, paying for this monthly membership and each time I don't go, it goes to waste. I need to remind myself of that.

Oh, in other news, I've officially decided that I'm replacing my computer in 2013. I've come up with a great way to pay for it. I'm segregating $15 into a separate account each paycheck all year. So multiplying that by two and by 52 weeks in a year, I'll have over $1,500 saved by the end of December. That will be more than enough to build a top end machine. Hard drive prices should definitely be back to normal by then and I can have a 256GB SSD as my boot drive. I'm not sure about the RAM yet, but I know eight gigs will be the minimum and of course it'll be running Windows 8. Anything beyond that is up in the air. I'm not even sure if I need Blu Ray, I already have a PS3 for that. Maybe I'll get a dedicated player at some point, if I have the space.

As with my initiatives in confidence and 'getting out there', I've also come up with a slight reward plan. Much like what I'm doing to save up for my next computer, I'm separating $10 from each check until some point next year. That will give me over a thousand dollars by December. I want to go on a real vacation next year and this is how I'm paying for it. What's great about these plans is that the money actually goes into a separate bank account than my personal one, and being that it's only $25 a check, I won't feel the hit, and the money slowly builds. I know this year will be hard like others, but that money isn't for any type of usage this year, I have my savings account for that.

Aphrodite Academy is moving along. I've just reached April, which means there are only two months left in the school year. I don't know how many chapters that equates to, but I'm hoping it's under 20. I've lost crossed the 100K threshold. I was reading in my latest Writer's Digest and it had a great article on building suspense and what stuck out with me was the part involving sex. Using sex really kills any suspense because there's no longer the tension between two characters, nor is there the build up of 'are they going to'. Sex doesn't always work in relationships because it prematurely undermines everything the characters are working toward, and doesn't always jell with the reader. In Aphrodite Academy, due to the main characters being 13, sex obviously isn't even up for discussion. What I'm using is a first kiss, and it's sweet as to how they're working toward it, but it's not the end all of their world either. Well, for one of them it is, and she does make that known at times. It's a balance of how to give the reader just enough between them, and pulling back before an eventual payoff...or not. ;) Kissing right off the bat would have been a let down because it robs a layer of innocence off these girls and makes them less likable. I don't know how this story will be received. The one shots have all received positive reviews, but this is the full on novel. Only time will tell.

Falling for Summer, I just don't know at this point. The way I originally wanted to end this story isn't feeling so right anymore. I don't want the ending to be predictable, and it IS. The reader will be disappointed if they can guess what Summer and Abby are going to do, and if it's too sugar coated that makes it even worse. I'm definitely going back to the drawing board with my outline and carefully writing out what works in the most unique fashion. I have to wait until Abby and Summer start talking again. They've been so silent lately. :(

Bloody Kisses, now if there's a story in my stable that could use less sex, it's this one! Of course, there is a certain sexual allure with vampires that can't be understated. One mistake I made in the original was having Valentina and Sophette have sex so early on in the story, and and continue, all while belaboring Sophette's love for younger women. I've mostly fixed that in the new version, and they actually haven't slept together, despite Valentina's maddening urge. People really liked how Sophette fought the urge to sleep with Valentina in the original version, and it was too short a struggle. This time, I'm going deeper into why it bothers Sophette so much, beyond the obvious. And then you have Alyria, my so beautifully broken mistress of destruction. Oh yes, you will love her.

Well, that's my little update. I'm going back to Saints Row: The Third. Bye and for the love of kittens, REVIEW ME dammit!

Sounds of Love Chapter 21: Tipsy Tiny, a romance fiction - FictionPress.com

2012-01-07T20:43:00.000-05:00

Sounds of Love Chapter 21: Tipsy Tiny, a romance fiction - FictionPress.com

Just letting everyone know the new chapter is up. This is the weird one I was talking about earlier. It's more of an experimental chapter to again see if I can handle more than two characters. The last time I tried this was in Groove to Da Beat, when Cassie and their friends when to that pool party. I guess that was a minor spoiler for that story. ...eh, sorry.

Anyway, enjoy the chapter.

I have insurance!

2012-01-06T22:33:00.002-05:00

Today at my job, I finally received my official employee packet that went over my benefits. It's been about six years since I last had medical insurance, and I'm lucky I've never gotten sick in that time. It also includes vision and dental which are great. The packet is huge and I'll need to look it over during the weekend.

In other news, my church has somehow appointed me a 'tech expert' for all the wrong devices. I was asked this week about what type of project they should get in order to stream video onto their eventual pull down screens. I know a little about that stuff, but they're building on a new section to the church and it would be best if they get an expert opinion, not an amateur video person. Computers I can do, projectors aren't my area. I was asked about a laptop which I can definitely offer my input. I need to look that up tomorrow as well.

I'm still prodding along on Chapter 22 of Sounds of Love. I really should post chapter 21, but I haven't even finished editing it yet. Chapters 21 and 22 sort of manifested on their own. I have the story outlined and I'm supposed to be past this point, but Sumi put her foot down and wanted some more time in this area of the story, so I had to allow it or she'd start pouting again.

I'm worried that Chapter 21 might turn people away because it takes the focus off of Sumi and Marissa and onto new characters. It's always a risk to let chapters runaway with new characters, but I think it turned out well. There are a few rough scenes, mainly with Sumi, and the transition back to her during heavy dialog. After all this time, I still have trouble with dialog between more than two people. I'm getting better but it's just one of those things. I want to finish chapter 22 tonight so I'll have two new chapters finished and can either try working on Falling for Summer or Aphrodite Academy. Summer really needs to get going, it's gone too long without an update and some people have moved on already, the faithful are waiting. I need to update faster, if only life never got in the way.

So that's what I'm planning tonight, some good 'ole writing and finishing this chapter. My keyboard is getting so annoying. I don't want to believe I wear down my keyboards this much, I don't even type that fast to cause damage, I don't think.

Anyway, I need to go, so I'll catch whoever reads this later.

The close of another year

2011-12-31T21:52:00.000-05:00

Here I sit in the final hours of 2011 and I've taken a long hard look at this year, and I'm amazed.

I started 2011 with around $50 to my name, and when I say to my name I really meant that. I had about fifty cents in my savings account and around fifty dollars in my checking account and wallet combined. I had lost my job as a student worker last October due to no longer being a student. Of course, we all know what came of that student situation...

But, as I was saying, I started this year in severe financial distress. I heavily depended on my mother for help, as much as it bothered me to do so. Even then, I did everything to avoid asking for money, which ultimately took me down a dark road: eBay. In the early months of 2011, I had a very intimate relationship with the online auction site. It's true what they say about finding the means when your back is to the wall. I'm sad to say that I sold many things that I'll never get back. I sold my rare copies of Xenogears and Intelligent Cube, I sold my Tench Muyo Ultimate Edition DVD set, I sold my unopened Adobe CS5 Creative Suite, I sold my PSP, I sold my Sega CDX, I sold my unopened Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time/Master Quest discs. I sold many of these things way below their value because I was desperate. I sold a game worth $70+ dollars for $40 just so that I could make up the money to pay my cell phone bill that month.

In between painfully selling just about everything I had that was worth something, I was struggling to find a job. This year I've learned the ins and outs of job hunting. I can't tell how many applications I've filled out, or how many interviews I've sat for. I've been so desensitized from the interviews that go well only to end in the telltale I'll get back to you, which was a nice way of saying NO.

I became severely depressed, and with no work, I just sat around the house just neglecting everything. I've gained 20 pounds this year because I had completely lost faith in myself. Money was so tight that I couldn't even drive to the gym because I had to conserve gas. Of course, I could have done simple exercises at home, there's enough space in my room for situps or pushups. I do none of those things. I just sat there feeling sorry for myself, all the while, clinging to that sliver of positivity in that things would get better. In the middle of January I had false hope of a job. I made it to the second interview and things were going well, then they never got back to me. I tried calling the place, and they just ignored me. I was down, and had to sell more things on eBay.

This went for four more months until I received a call for a contract job. It paid $15/hr and I was overjoyed to finally have work. Strangely, on the way to that job, I received a call for an interview to the job that I have now. Things always work themselves out in the end. So I'm proud to say that my temp to hire became a permanent position. Even better, starting next month, I'm getting insurance and paid vacation/sick days.

On Friday, I went over to the house of a former co-worker. She's one of the petite women, I believe I've mentioned her before. Anyway, I was there to do some computer work for her. It was at that time I realized that things had to change. I didn't want to be in this same situation this time next year. I brought it up to her and we talked at length about controlling life and making the most of it. I envy her, she has a very nice car and her own apartment. She lives with her two tiny dogs, but there's this sadness about her. It was especially apparent when I mentioned that out of all the people I went to high school with, I'm one of the very few left that's unmarried without children and she agreed with that slight air of depression. I hope she finds someone.

I told her that in 2012, I'm going to be more outgoing. I don't want to be alone anymore, I want to make friends that I can hangout with and I want to meet a woman that I can be happy with. These things won't just fall into my lap. I need to get my shit together. With a stable job situation, I need to work on significantly decreasing my debt. She also encouraged me to make a list of all the things I want to do next year. I think it's good to have some form of visual aide for your goals. I want to go skydiving and bungee jumping next year. I have to stop making excuses and being afraid, I'm getting older and too much has passed me by. I'm looking forward to 2012.

There are many goals I have for the coming year. Over the course of this year, I've listed many goals for myself. I've met some and failed miserably at a few. I failed to read 20 books this year, but will make a stronger effort next year. Things that will happen next year are:

I will finish Sounds of Love
I will finish Falling for Summer
I will finish the Bloody Kisses rewrite
I will finish Aphrodite Academy, book 1
I will edit the shit out of Tainted Butterfly
I will write more one shots.
I will take my writing more seriously
I will significantly reduce my debt
I will be more outgoing
I will get back into shape
I will talk to women. (I have to stop being a coward)

I can finish most of those stories because the outlines are written, it's just the focus. I know all these things won't happen at once, and they'll take a lot of hard work and dedication on my part. I don't want my life to be so meaningless. Things will only change if I make them.

2011 was a trying year for me, and I've learned a lot about myself and have seen the lows. Even as my car is likely dying on me, I have to keep faith that things will get better. I'm going to work even harder this year, I have too much wasted potential, and if I were to make a resolution, it's to not be in the same position this time next year.

Happy New Year to whoever's reading this, if you have a pulse.

Another Christmas

2011-12-25T23:31:00.001-05:00

Another year has brought another Christmas, and as the pattern continues, it progressively feels less and less like Christmas each year. Being in the south plays a large part in that it rarely snows here. Hell, it's been in the high 60's most of the month, a few days I didn't even need my jacket.

I guess like many things, it's best remembered as a child. That was when the world was wondrous, and we looked upon things with innocent, imaginative eyes. I remember the excitement of watching the presents around the tree grow larger in the days leading to Christmas. We actually had real trees back then, and I loved that pine smell in the living room, and decorating it. Then on Christmas morning, my mom would make a special breakfast, and after some teasing, she let us all open our presents and it was just an awesome time.

As I've gotten older, Christmas has less become a joyous occasion, and just a period to feel nice about things and reflect on moments of positivity. I miss the tree, the cold weather and the Christmas music on every station. I had to go out of my way to find Christmas music on radio stations, it was nothing but damn pop music, the same top 10 shit that's on every other day. Bitterness aside, I did get to talk to my dad today, so that made me feel better. We had a very short conversation as he was making cakes like he does every Christmas.

What made me sad this year, wasn't that my mom was gone off again. She's in Texas visiting a friend and won't be back till next year. My brother is at his girlfriend's house which leaves me all alone. Now I'm not blaming anyone as this is wholly my fault. Another year has passed and I've made zero efforts in finding a girlfriend. I've made tons of excuses, and there have been plenty of situations which I could used as prompts for talking to girls, but I just chickened out. The truth is, I'm 30 years old, and I'm not getting any younger. Writing is something I love, but "Knightmare Elite" doesn't age, I do.

I see many of my former High School classmates happily married with children. There's a growing part of me that envies them. I want to have that love and happiness. There is a part of me that wants to be a father, and husband, and have a loving wife that adores me as I do her. It's become more prevalent in my writing without me even realizing. I've become one of those authors that lives through their characters. It started with Olivia, and now it's happening with Marisa and Sumi. Things have to change.

I hate resolutions because they never work for me. Next year things have to change. I have to stop being afraid of change and make a solid effort to put myself out there. I need to make actual friends and stop tethering myself to the two I have back in New Jersey. I need real friends that live in the same state as me, someone I can go to a bar with or actually hang out. I can't remember the last time I've 'hung out' with anyone. I just sit at home and write, or play video games if I don't work or go to the gym. That's also another area I need to work out. I seriously need to ramp up my exercise so I can get back to what I weight back in 2003. I need to lose fifty pounds in the coming year. It's completely possible since people have lost double that in under two months. I need to make changes or else next Christmas, I'll still be all alone while everyone else moves forward, happy.

I'm going to challenge myself in 2012. I WILL finish Sounds of Love, Falling for Summer, Bloody Kisses and Aphrodite Academy. Even though I started Eva Lei for Nanowrimo and passed the 50K threshold, that story is going back on the pile until I can work through the four mentioned. I have to completely revamp my writing habits. As I've learned this year, outlines are a must, and they dramatically increase the speed at which I can put out chapters. I'm putting a lot before myself, but if things are going to change, then it's going to require a new way of thinking. I want to become a better person, these things need to happen. I want to be happy. I don't want to be single with a pile of incomplete novels at 31. I want to start talking about my girlfriend, I want to be able to say those words, I want to talk about how in shape I am, I want to talk about how I'm editing the final drafts of my novels, I want to talk about the crazy weekends I've had with friends. I want to change and I'm going to do it if it kills me. I will not continue in this downward spiral, I will not fail myself. I will be better. I will be happy. In 2012, I will smile.

Sounds of Love Chapter 20: Teenage Dream, a romance fiction - FictionPress.com

2011-12-17T19:47:00.000-05:00

Sounds of Love Chapter 20: Teenage Dream, a romance fiction - FictionPress.com

Yup, I updated again today. I think I'll just starting doing this now whenever I update. Despite no one actually reading this blog, I feel it still serves some vague purpose. I totally rewrite chapter 21 of Sounds of Love last night. The direct where the chapter was going was completely wrong. I fought to make it work, but in the end, I realized it just wasn't good for the story. Sometimes we don't always get what we want.

It's strange, I remember Laurell K. Hamilton saying the same thing in one of her Facebook posts, though she ended up scrapping about 8 pages, I only scrapped 3. Still, it was a loss of words, and from their digital ashes rose the beginning of a more concise chapter which stays true to the story and characters. It's so tempting to write my characters out of themselves. It was a mistake I often did in Groove To Da Beat, and the story suffered greatly because of it. As the story progressed, Sumi and Marissa clearly defined themselves, and if I deviate from that, the story begins to weaken. I've already slightly altered Sumi, and thankfully it wasn't disruptive. In these later chapters, I've gone deeper into her character and have drawn on her strengths of what makes her such a likable character. It's not easy with someone that's deaf, but I've made it work so far, and I'll continue up to the very end.

There's a 'chance' that I can finish chapter 21 over the weekend, but again, that requires discipline. I barely have enough of that to drag my ass to the gym, which I definitely need to do more of. I really wish more people would review, but that's just beating a zombified horse with a machete. Oh well, I continue to write even though the majority of my readers still refuse to even acknowledge my existence. So is the life of a writer. :(

Sounds of Love Chapter 19: Treasure, a romance fiction - FictionPress.com

2011-12-12T21:46:00.000-05:00

Sounds of Love Chapter 19: Treasure, a romance fiction - FictionPress.com

I'm just trying out that link to Blogger thingy on Fictionpress. Obviously I've finally uploaded the new chapter despite Fictionpress not working correctly. I ran it through Dreamwaver and pasted it into the tiny formatting box. So, please enjoy and review if you're actually going to read, not that most of you will anyway. Just asking.

Oh, and someone made red velvet cupcakes at work today. I need to stop eating stuff like that or I'll weigh 300lbs in no time.

My supervisor confirmed that my permanent job status starts in January, so I'll have benefits and stuff starting next year, so that's pretty cool. I also wrote a whole chapter of Aphrodite Academy yesterday, and Chapter 20 of Sounds of Love is finished. That will be up soon, all I have left is to rewrite this chapter of Falling for Summer and make sense of it so people can read it. I know people are missing Summer and Abby as much as I am.

Ta Ta For Now.

Finished chapter 20 of Sounds of Love

2011-12-10T23:52:00.001-05:00

Sounds of Love chpt 20: Teenage Dream is now finished.

Since the formatting is still broken in the Fictionpress document manager, I'll just wait for them to fix it. I still see people uploading and is it working for them? The last time this happened I had to save my stories as a webpage, then edit it in Dreamweaver, then past it in the document manager preview box just for it to show up correctly. I'm not being with that this time around. I just want to upload chapter 19 which should have gone up LAST week.

This chapter chapter surprised me (don't they all?). It was more serious and really hit some subjects that needed to be addressed, like what Sumi does for a living and bits of her pre Marissa life. It's also a hefty chapter at 10 pages, one of the longest in the story so far. I'm going to revise it further since I know it can be better.

I still haven't gotten back to Aphrodite Academy or Falling for Summer. It's so hard to write all these stories at once, which is why I don't because I can't. If only I had the time to just sit on my ass and write, I'd probably crank out half as many pages as Laurell K. Hamilton each day. I really admire the woman's dedication to the craft. Of course, she's working on strict deadlines which spur her creativity and insane 200wpm! The only deadline I have is Nanowrimo, and that only last for 30 days out of the year. I wish I had a real deadline that would keep me Nano supercharged all year long.

Speaking of Nanowrimo, I think I'm going to start a new tradition since it worked so well two years in a row. During Nanowrimo, I'm going to start a new video game and play it over the month. Last year I played through Bayonetta and beat it. This year I played though iNFAMOUS 2 and beat it, all during November. It's seemed to work both times and I won, so I'll try against next year and see how that distraction fares.

I went to the gym three times this week, go me. I'm aiming for three times next week too. If I can get back into my three day a week rhythm, I'll start to get back into shape. I'm so tired, and I finally got a haircut today which means I'm going to catch a cold that no one threw.

Okay, it's late and I just had to say stuff.

Met the Swamp People

2011-12-05T22:41:00.001-05:00

As you can see from the photo to the left, I met Willie and Junior from Swamp People. That's one of my favorite shows. For the uniformed, it's a reality show based in the Louisiana swamps where people hunt alligators during 'gator season. Willie and Junior are just one of the teams. I blinked during the picture! It looks like I'm asleep. :(

On to other things. I was supposed to post chapter 19 of Sounds of Love on Fictionpress on Saturday, but that didn't happen. As usual, they updated the site, simultaneously breaking it. The formatting is seriously fucked up, and I can't update without being able to used the form editor. I've seen plenty of people still update despite the issues. I guess either they have no problems, which is highly unlikely, or they're doing raw uploads with blind faith.

The last time they broke the site this badly, it lasted nearly two weeks, and it was fixed without as much as an explanation. I've complained many times about this, and my emails have gone unanswered. So, chapter 19 of Sounds of Love will have to wait, sorry. I do have some good news, I'm currently on page 3 of chapter 20, so it won't be a long wait. I really want everyone to formally meet Sumi's parents. It's so amazing how warm their relationship is. This story is excessively fluffy, and still maintains to walk the line of eroticism. Some of the things Sumi says and does seem out of place, but it just works because of the nature of the story.

As for chapter 58 of Falling for Summer, I still haven't gone back to work on it yet. It's going to rewritten because it currently sucks. I really want to get Travis right in this chapter and it's frustrating me that I can't differentiate him. I guess I haven't fully defined him as a character yet. He's effeminate and gay, but I don't want him to be generic. I haven' even made a formal for Travis yet. Actually, I've never made a bio for any of my male character. Hell, how many male characters do I even have. You'd be surprised how often I get asked 'Are there are guys in your worlds?'. There are, they just never have main roles. I need to stop the blatant sexism. Now back to Travis, I need more research into creating the perfect boy. It's bothering the hell out of me that I can't get him right, even though I don't know what 'right' is. Ugh.

I'm planning on going to New Jersey next year. I probably mentioned this earlier, likely at the end of February or March. I'm not sure what I'll find when I get there, I know it won't be anything like it was when I left.

I've also returned to the gym after my Nanowrimo hiatus. Everyone's telling me I put on weight. :( So, that means I have to do triple time at the gym, especially before I go on my mini vacation. The last thing I want is to perpetuate the stereotypes of southern life blowing you up.

You know, every time I think about Tainted Butterfly, it makes me so happy. I finished one of my novels (still needs massive editing), and it's about a transsexual, that alone deserves a lot of credit. It would be awesome if Tainted Butterfly were ever made into a movie. I think that it's deep enough to be a movie. I also want to see Bloody Kisses as an anime, it would be a much better fit. Sounds of Love could also work as an anime. Falling for Summer could be a television show. In my mind, Falling for Summer is the spiritual cousin of South of Nowhere. I miss that trainwreck of a show.

It's getting late, and I'm going to try to get in some more writing before sleep takes over. Bye.

Nanowrimo 2011 is over

2011-12-01T23:08:00.001-05:00

I ended this year's Nanowrimo with 52,607 words. I could have done a lot better. Part of it was playing video games, and the other part was my general lack of energy. I didn't write for two days, and on three days I fell asleep with little over 100-300 words for those days. :(

Still, I'm happy that I won and more so that I finally started Eva's story and laid down the foundation for her universe. Well, I'm not sure if she has her own universe as of yet. I'm still not comfortable enough with the characters. Speaking of which, many new characters generated which I take as a good sign. I'm really proud of myself that I've started Eva and now she won't be a 'what if' scenario forever in my mind. I have something tangible to work with.

Of course, my favorite part of December 1st, is getting back to all the stories that have been on pause since Oct 31. I just edited Chapter 19 of Sounds of Love, and it's ready for the Saturday update. I made the necessary changes, and it turns out the chapter didn't need much work. I'm okay with it now. I have the story outlined, so I can just go into the next chapter. Hopefully this story will get wrapped up soon. People really love it because it's super adorable and perfect world. I need more stories like that.

As for Falling for Summer, Chapter 58 is a damn wreck. That chapter is going to be rewritten from scratch. Too many things have chance since I started it, and I've been getting crazy inspiration throughout November. It sucks so bad to get all these ideas when you can't focus on them. I don't even write other ideas down because it feels like cheating on my Nano story. I've been really thinking about Travis, and he seems to grow more important, even at this stage of the story. I'm worried that this might be a subconscious testing ground for a slash story. I just can't see myself writing slash, but Travis is too much like my 'style' of character to even be considered traditional slash. Ugh, I better stop before I get myself in trouble.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a little update. I'm going to put Eva on the shelf for a bit and try to finish up these backlogged stories. You know, I really want to rewrite my original 'L Series' stories. They're so AWFUL. But, they also serve as a testament to my progression as a writer, so it's a double edged sword. Even in reviews people have pointed out how drastically I've improved, but I can't read those stories without feeling extreme shame. I guess for now, they'll stay. I know I said that I plan on editing them, but maybe that's also part of their godawful charm. *shrugs*

Oh and the video president of my job officially confirmed that I'm a permanent worker now. I also heard him on the phone saying that my responsibilities are going to increase. I expected that, I'm hoping I'll get more money, bills suck. At least I'll finally have health insurance.

Goodnight whoever reads this. Leave me a comment once in a while so I won't feel like I'm talking to myself.

Nanowrimo 2011 Day 27 I WON!

2011-11-27T17:21:00.001-05:00

Yey, this is the first time I've ever won two years in a row. Thank you Ms. Lei! While Eva didn't pick up as fast as I anticipated, actually the story is still kind of dragging. But, I have enough to work with for when I go back and start the second draft, I have some sense of where Eva comes from.

This has been a rocky Nanowrimo for me. I've been putting Eva off for years due to fear of massively fucking this story up. And you know what, I did anyway, and I'm totally okay with that. Of course Eva wouldn't live up to my expectations in the first write. Nothing I've ever written has turned out how I envisioned it the first time around. One only has to look at Bloody Kisses to see how drastic what comes on paper compared to the original idea can be.

My winning counts is 50,070. Yes, I limped across the finished line, but I still have three days. Once you hit the fifty thousand, the next ten is always the hardest. I have no idea how much more I'll write. I'm absolutely nowhere in Eva's story, kind of like the Tainted Butterfly situation three years ago. Has it really been that long since Mia was born?

I had a modest victory, and spent too much time playing iNFAMOUS 2. I really have to stop playing video games during Nanowrimo, they slow me down. Still, I'm happy, I won Nanowrimo 2011 and Eva Lei now exists.

Today was a good day.

The big 30

2011-11-23T19:01:00.001-05:00

Today I turned 30 and it's a mildly depressing time in my life. I'm no longer in my 20's, and things pretty much are in a slow decline from here on out, unless I die early. But, rather than go on a negative tirade and kick start some sort of midlife crisis that I can't afford, I'll do something different. In an effort to uplift myself and not feel like an old man. I'm going to try to list all my notable achievements up to this point in my life:

I attained perfect attendance all through middle school. That was the seventh and eighth grade. It was embarrassing to receive that award, but it took a lot of dedication to never miss a day, not that I enjoyed all of it.
I wrote a novel about a male to female transsexual.
I'm roughly 75% finished with my lesbian boarding school novel.
I've won Nanowrimo three times.
As a male, I've built up a small fanbase for lesbian fiction. I'd say that's a pretty damn cool accomplishment for any guy.
I actually have a job that I enjoy in a field that I enjoy.
I've never been arrested.
I've built my own computer (and many others)
I went to college and graduated with my bachelor's degree.
Not sure if this is part of number 4, but people have actually told me that my writing has positively affected their lives.
While I only have two true friends, I've met many great people online over the years, even though most of them have gone off and done their own thing. I cherish the memories.
Back when I was seventeen, I got the forums for a video game product shut down due to severe trolling. ...I was bad.
I've seriously stepped up my reading and fell in love with Laurell K. Hamilton. She's really reinvigorated the bloody kisses universe. Seriously, I've completely rebuilt the BK universe from the ground up because of my lack of foresight. I try not to depend on others for inspiration, but I've long come to realize that I play off of others, sort of like Dr. House. I've blogged endlessly about all the changes to Bloody Kisses over the year so I won't here.
I don't have an children.
I've never broken any bones.

I'm sure there's more stuff. That's all I can think of off the top of my head. Blogger is going super sloooooooow right now. So, I'll just post and update this later tonight.

Nanowrimo 2011 Day 19

2011-11-20T00:02:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting at exactly 35,100 words and I cease to be shocked in this story. It's like everything is flipped upside and and twisted inside out. Parfay is not only amazing at sex, but she's making Eva doubt her stance on certain 'activities'. I had no idea Parfay actually understood the female body to the extent she does, which bothers Eva because as a lesbian, she feels threatened by her ignorance at something which should be second nature.

Another issue that I'm still having with the story is that isn't not dark at all. In fact, there's only been one seriously fucked up moment so far, and even that is kind of weak. Things are moving too slowly. At the same time, I'm really appreciating the indepth look at Eva, and the events and circumstances which will shape her into what she will eventually become. This odd semi prequel may work but how much of it will actually be useful in the end? It all feels like a massive overview and hindsight. Oh well, we'll see how it turns out. At least I'm on a steady path toward winning Nanowimo. Winning two years in a row will finally break my pattern.

In other news, my Kindle touch is super awesome. It's so tiny.

It looks huge in the photo, but it's actually barely bigger than a paperback.

Bye people.

Nanowrimo 2011 Day 13

2011-11-13T23:12:00.001-05:00

It's 11:11 and I'm tired. I kind of want to write more, but I also feel like going to bed. I'm sitting at 25,304 which puts me past the halfway mark. The story still isn't gelling but it's still a good process. Eva's interesting. I'm learning more about how she became the way she is, as well as the many little instances that push her to that proverbial line that she crosses. It's also interesting how she keeps hinting about her 'experiences' back in Japan. It makes me wonder just what is Eva trying to tell me?

On another note. I'm not posting chapter 19 of Sounds of Love this month. It's 'finished' but I'm not happy with. I originally intended to push it out this month, but there are just too many issues that would cause it to break the story if I did and I won't do that disservice to the loyal readers. So look for a better version of the unreleased chapter sometime after Nanowrimo, which means December.

Goodnight. Review me dammit.

Nanowrimo 2011 Day 8

2011-11-08T23:36:00.000-05:00

I'm currently sitting at 16,802 words and I think I'm finished for the day. I don't know what the hell happened last night. I was SO tired driving home and once I got home I just fell asleep. I slept through House! By the time I woke up, it was nearly eleven and I was still exhausted. I didn't have any caffeine at all, the only sweet thing I had were two cupcakes a coworker made. Though she did admit that the frosting, as well as cupcakes were LOADED with sugar. Maybe I just crashed epically.

In another topic that I rarely discuss on here, but it's just been bothering me. I guess I should say I 'had' a friend that I used to regularly talk to online for about three years. For some reason last October, she just stopped talking to me, she's not even on AIM anymore. For the past year, just about every day I still think about her and that bothers the hell out of me. I've gone through a wide range of emotions from anger to sadness over why.

I remember telling her that everyone that I ever form a friendship with (online) always ends up leaving for no good reason. She promised she'd never do that, and guess what... Maybe she just moved on, and found better people. I guess her life is better now without that brooding guy around. I don't know, a part of me just wants to know what did I do to either piss her off to leave or just make her go away in general. If you're going to suddenly cease communication with someone, at least give some type of reason. For the past year she's been in my head, it's happened before with other people and after a month they're gone, but not her. Why is her memory embedded and for what. She's apparently moved on, so why can't I? As if I needed another reason to be called sad.

Nanowrimo 2011 Day 6

2011-11-07T00:34:00.001-05:00

I closed day six with 14273. It's no so bad, I'm still two days ahead so I'm doing okay.

As I'm writing this story, it not much like how I originally envisioned Eva. This version of Eva feels very much like a prequel. All the elements are there, but they're happening in vastly different ways. Parfay isn't the super obnoxious and annoying math elitist. She's actually acting like the person I physically modeled her after 'Olivia Dunham'.

I see this as possibly a good thing. I mean, I know what Eva becomes, but it's cool to see her in this 'normal' state if you can call it that. There's a funny scene that is the catalyst for one of the most fucked up scenarios in the entire story. I'll just say it involves Eva's quest to find a pair of Stiletto's in her size, not an easy task when you're five feet tall with tiny feet.

Even though Eva's story is going at a snail's pace, it's kind of coming together now. Maybe a pseudo prequel is what I need to fully understand Eva. It's weird how you can create something, and have this cemented idea of how the character is supposed to be. Then, as soon as you start to write it, you get a totally different take as if something is going 'No, you're not ready for this yet. Figure this part out first'. It's pretty cool so far, I hope I reach 50K. Character star talking damn you.

In other news, I totally bought a new phone today: Samsung Galaxy S II Skyrocket. LTE baby! The salesperson was SO adorable. She was like 5'0 and kind curvy. She wasn't super skinny like most petite women, Eva, Mia. And she had such a cute face, ugh. I wanted to put her in my pocket and sit her on my desk. Whenever I see someone like that I just want to tell them how adorable they are, but I'm sure that would come off extremely condescending. I'd love to sit down and talk with her, she could give so much incite about being petite and help me with my characters. Is that selfish? Dating someone that petite would make me feel like a pedophile. I can't say I'd never date anyone super short, it would just feel weird, considering what I write. Anyway how I need to do stuff.

Nanowrimo 2011 Day 4

2011-11-05T00:09:00.001-04:00

I'm closing day for of Nanowrimo at 10,978. I blew past this in day two last year. Eva's story is limping along and I'm still letting it progress at it's own pace. Eva hasn't found her voice and until she does, the story has no direction and is just a slow moving mass of words.

I'm not disappointed because I finally started Eva's story, and if I hadn't done it this year, who know how long I would have put Eva off. There is just so much in this current version that I know will get scrapped. It's only because of Nano why I'm leaving it all in. That being said, I'm not padding the story, I never do which is why the story is going so slowly. I find all those 'word tricks' to be cheating. While the goal of Nanowrimo is to reach 50K, not everyone respects fifty thousands words. To most, it's just a goal they want to accomplish, and happen to write what may or may not be a novel in the process. Those same people probably delete their Nano 'story' after winning since it holds no literary value.

On an unrelated note, I went to a co-woker's house today to help him with some computer issues. His son's computer has a failing RAID and one of the hard drives needs to be replaced. Unfortunately it's a 250GB drive, and with the tragedy in Thailand, hard drive prices are through the roof. I explained to him what he needed to purchase, then we got into a long discussion about setting up a media center to stream movies in his house. He's super interested in doing that, especially after I gave him a quick demo on how to do it on a Playstation 3. He paid me $40 for basically a consulting job.

I've decided that I'm putting that money toward buying a new phone. I was originally going to get the Samsung Galaxy S II, but they've since announced the Samsung Galaxy S II Skyrocket. That's a very stupid name, but this version has a larger screen 'faster processor' and LTE. Maybe I mentioned this already, I forgot, I'm tired.

I guess I should post the next new chapter of Sounds of Love. It's been sitting on the Fictionpress server all week. ;) Please people, leave some reviews. :(

Nanowrimo 2011 Day 2

2011-11-02T23:40:00.000-04:00

I started writing pretty late today and things haven't changed much since yesterday. Eva is still chugging along. She's evolving into something totally different from what I've always envisioned and that's worrying me. I always imagined Eva as this calm and calculating sociopath. From what's been written so far, she's a normal person with 'something dark' about her. Even Sophette is scarier than Eva at this point.

I know these things take time and it may be a few more days before this story finds its groove. My word count is currently 6668, so I'm at an okay place. While I wish it were higher, I'm doing the best I can given my work situation. I do have a lot of notes for Eva and I'm going to try to incorporate as much as I can into the story. I'm only using what makes sense in this iteration, I won't pad the story to reach 50K. I've never padded a Nano story and I have no intention to ever resort to that, despite the blatant encouragement to do so.

I don't understand why it's so hard to translate Eva. Well, I sort of do know why. I know next to nothing about actual serial killers, even Sophette is a poor template for Eva. Don't get me wrong, Sophette is an amazingly broken character, but she exists on a plane that isn't relative to Eva. For Eva, the Eva that's been living in my head for years to spread her wings, I need to be able to connect with her real life counterparts. That's nothing something I can 'channel' because I'm obviously not a psycho path, or at least haven't been called one, yet. So for now, I'm just letting this story lead me. After all, this is nothing more than a huge first draft. I need to remember that, it might save my santity later on.

In other news, my brother is getting a Samsung Galaxy S II on Sprint because his contract is up. Talk about a slap in the face. He can barely operate his laptop and he's getting an android phone. I told him the iPhone 4S was a better fit for tech novices because of the 'Walled Garden' approach Apple takes. I guess that means I'll have to keep helping with the phone, despite never having used an Android phone outside of playing with one at the store.

With the announcement of the Samsung Galaxy S II Rocket on AT&T this week, I'm torn between that and the original Galaxy S II. The Rocket has an LTE chip, larger screen and "faster processor". I really want the larger screen, but the resolution is still 800*480, which might cause pixelation. I won't know until I can see the phone first hand. I'm definitely awaiting some indepth review from tech sites. My mom said she's giving me $100 to put toward a new phone. I'll just considered that a birthday gift. I wouldn't have otherwise took the the money as it just makes me feel like a leech. At least this puts me a little closer to a new phone which I seriously need.

In other news, since I uploaded the first of three new chapters of Sounds of Love, people are digging the story again. I also received two reviews, you rock, both of you. To everyone else who read and felt that leaving a review wasn't worth their time, you fucking suck. Thank you.

Nanowrimo 2011 Day 1

2011-11-01T23:57:00.002-04:00

Well, instead of starting Nanowrimo at 12:00 Nov. 1 like I normally do. I went to bed because I was super tired. This year, I decided to try the impossible and write 'the story' for me, which is Eva Lei. So far, the story is going....okay. I can't really say how things will turn out, I hope the pace picks up. As of now, nothing is clicking.

It's usually this way during the first day, and I'm being optimistic that the story will start coming together. Of course, this is my odd year, the year that I always lose Nanowrimo. I'm not going crazy this year. Last year I broke 90K with Aphrodite Academy. This year, I'm just aiming for 50K, and if I get over that, then that's okay. Working a full time job is doing me no favors so I'll just take my time. It's not hard, if last year proved anything, I'm a writer and when I write I WRITE. Unlike last year, I didn't come near to bearing Laural K Hamilton on Day 1, despite her not even doing Nanowrimo. I'm still proud.

My closing day one word count is 3356. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Crunch Time

2011-10-30T23:42:00.002-04:00

So I'm sitting here watching 'The Talking Dead' and working on chapter 19 of Sounds of Love. The chapter is going to slowly because I haven't had much time to really sit down and write this weekend. I've noticed that I've been throwing excessive detail into this chapter. I'm testing how it works, and I'm worried that it will disrupt the flow. Part of the story's appeal is the 'lightness' of it all which includes the writing style. Too much detail might overburden the flow and slow things down. I hope not.

Another problem is that I'm writing this chapter like I normally do. That means I'm writing out these excessive details and I knew there are scenes that need to be expanded on. Tomorrow is the only day I can edit if I want to get all three chapters up over the month. There's no rule that I can't work on other stories during Nanowrimo, but that will seriously hamper me. Even worse is that I won't get home till after 6.

Speaking of Nanowrimo, there really needs to be some serious organization if I want a chance at winning this year. I work 8-5 but leave the house a little before 7. So I'm basically out of the house for most of the day, longer if I go to the gym. What I've been thinking is to regulate my writing to late night, that way I could actually watch TV. I know Nano is about sacrifice and pushing yourself to the extreme and beyond, but it's a pain in the ass missing House, Fringe and Sanctuary. The others I'm okay with but not those three. What I'm considering is writing from 10pm to 1am each night. On Tuesdays I can start writing from 8pm since I watch nothing on Tuesdays. It might be hard writing that late consistency without some form of caffeine. I've been trying non-carbonated energy drinks and they don't make my stomach hurt if I don't eat anything with them, plus they're low calorie. I'll pretty much have the whole weekends to the write.

I officially listed Eva Lei as my Nanwrimo 2011 story on the site. I'm super nervous about doing that but I need to start Eva, I've been putting it off for too many years. If only I could take next month off from work, Nano would be a snap. I just hope this story goes well because from the moment I start typing, I'm just going to wing it. It worked for Tainted Butterfly and Aphrodite Academy. Surely that tactic can work for my greatest literary challenge as an author.

To make matters worse, I still haven't finished that script for my Excel and Powerpoint 2010 classes for work. I seriously have talking in front of people and these have to be twenty minutes each. I want to go to bed. I swear I get less and less excited for Nano each year. There's no longer that 'feeling' like you get during Christmas, Nano just feels like a yearly prompt for me to kick start some story I would have otherwise excused into oblivion. So once Halloween is over, I begin self inflicted stress. Pray for me people.

Incompetent Motherf***ers

2011-10-28T19:16:00.000-04:00

So my sister just called me and asked for another 'favor'. She's trying to get her daughter into modeling and the agency needs a simple correspondence from her that requires the following things:

Her daughter's name
Her daughter's age
Her daughter's weight
A contact number
A contact email
A high resolution picture of her daughter.

The worthless ass is begging me to do it for her because her excuse is 'she'll mess it up'. It's your own daughter and you're trying to tell me you can't answer those simple questions. Put the damn girl on a scale to get her weight, you obviously know her name and age and have hundreds of pictures spread about the room and on her hard drive.

What's really pissing me off is that my mother is lying on her bed and telling me to 'just do it for her'. How can she just sit there and enable this kind of incompetence. My sister makes herself out to be so damn worthless all the time, and never tries to change. With my mother taking her side it's just ridiculous and I'm there yelling at her on the phone about how pathetic it is that she can't answer those simple questions and attach a picture to an email. I've already done it for her twice and I've had enough. I'm not enabling her anymore and if she won't make the effort to support this modeling career she's pushing on her 2yr old daughter, then that's her damn problem. I'm tired of these assholes having zero respect for me.

I know I'm just bitching and no one reads this shit anyway, but I feel a little better now.

That darkness inside of me.

2011-10-27T21:36:00.002-04:00

As I sit here typing this, I feel a stillness about me. Throughout the day I've been thinking about Eva. If I were to go ahead and write this story for Nanowrimo, it won't be like anything else I've written. To say the majority of my characters are flawed is an understatement. But, most of my characters are good at heart, all except a very select few. Within those few tainted individuals lies a darkness. Her name is Eva Lei.

Sophette and Alyria are two of my most fucked up characters. They're beyond damaged and make no qualms about their sadistic tenancies. To an extent they're still redeemable. Eva is in a class of her own. What prompted me to create Eva was to take the essence of Sophette and make her personal. Sophette is a vampire. She's an immortal killing machine with super speed and strength for starters. Eva Lei is human, which immediately makes her far more dangerous.

To further explain, Sophette Rivera is a pedophile. There's no easy way around that slow rolling gut punch. Eva Lei is also a pedophile. The differences between the two aren't immediately noticeable on the surface. Despite her 'habits', Sophette does have morals. She knows she's a monster and legitimately sought help to curb her illicit tendencies. When you look into Eva's eyes, you can feel the frost of death brush your skin. Eva knows what she is and is perfectly capable of assimilating herself into society with an angelic smile and warm demeanor.

It worries me that it's not hard to write Sophette. To be honest, it was never hard to write the darker aspects of Sophette. Maybe, because it was never personal to me. It could be detachment from not having kids of my own, or a miraculous lack of empathy for the situations at hand. Whatever the case, I can take Sophette to that place and beyond with a clear conscious. Eva creates a pause. Unlike Sophette, Eva doesn't hide, nor is she notorious for her actions. Eva has the house with a white picket fence, and is even on the neighborhood watch. She regularly babysits neighborhood children, favorably the little girls.

I always referred to Eva as a 'slow poison' because that's how she affects the reader. Being human, Eva obviously has limitations compared to Sophette, but that prompts her to be more elaborate in her schemes to the point of it seeming natural. The scariest part of Eva is I want people to realize Eva is a real person, and she exists in any neighborhood. I want people to be scared, I want them to be unnerved, I want readers to be downright pissed off at what Eva gets away with. Yes, this story is a tremendous challenge, far greater than Mia Moretti and Aphrodite Academy combined.

Can I really reach down inside myself and write evil incarnate? I don't know. I often ask myself if a story like Eva's should exist. The idea of a female pedophile is no longer an urban legend. More and more we're hearing about women who molest and kill children. Is Eva worse, I don't know. Is Eva more personal, probably. I want a reaction and by synopsis alone Eva will receive that. There are many reasons why Eva could fail, there are reasons why people won't read it. The truth is, the very idea of Eva exists because there are people who want to read her story. There are people who have encountered women like Eva, and their stories went unheard, and they're forced to lived scared--fucked up lives after that trauma. Of course, there is one aspect of Eva that will downright piss most readers off. If Eva is to be a reflection of the harness of the real world, there is no good ending. Take that how you will.

Possible Nanowrimo 2011 story

2011-10-26T22:10:00.001-04:00

When your back is against the wall, you start grasping at straws to pull out that one megahit. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually considering writing Eva's tale this year.

As I've said countless times, the most amazing part about Nanwrimo is that it gives me a chance to (forces me) to finally start writing projects that I've made excuse after excuse. If it wasn't for Nanowrimo I'd never have written Falling for Summer, Tainted Butterfly and Aphrodite Academy. I'm especially proud of the last two as both were tremendous undertakings. I totally wrote an amazing transsexual story and Aphrodite Academy works. I mustn't ignore the Bloody Kisses remake, which is so many levels of awesome especially with an actual antagonist finally in the mix. Blazing universe I say!

So, I'm sitting here writing Chapter 19 of Sounds of Love, still trying to get the intro right. I should just power through and fix it later, but that inner editor won't shut the hell up. Hopefully I'll have the chapter finished by Friday so I can edit over the weekend and post these three next month. It's the best I can do for the loyal readers.

In other news, I'm doing a test presentation for my Microsoft Excel and Powerpoint 2010 presentations at work tomorrow. It's only going to be for my supervisor but I'm still nervous. I hate being in front of groups no matter how small. I still remember my first speaking assignment at college. There were only THREE people in the room and I was damn near hyperventilating. I took a public speaking class during my senior year, and it helped but I'm still nervous around crowds. It's worse if you don't keep up with it, the fear slowly creeps back.

I seriously need a new phone. I can't take this broken iPhone anymore. It sucks and can't do shit outside of making calls since the home button is broken meaning I have to restart the phone if I want to use a different app. I want a Samsung Galaxy S II :( Someone buy me one. *cries*

I guess I'll try to write some more. Why is is suddenly so hot and in a few hours it'll be freezing? Damn this annoying Georgia weather, ugh.

Goodnight.

3rd new chapter of Sounds of Love

2011-10-25T23:03:00.001-04:00

I started chapter 19 of Sounds of Love last night. I'm totally making good on my promise! So after watching Monday Night RAW and Bad Girls' Club (so what!), I finally started the new chapter before going to bed. Okay, I didn't go straight to bed, I watched the intro to this *ahem* adult oriented film starting women who loved women. What was interesting was how they talked for nearly 20 minutes about their past relationships, when they 'knew' and what is it that attracts them to girls.

Seriously these were some of the most informative sessions I've seen from women and they were passably candid. Being it was an adult movie, I can't say whether it was scripted or not, but it seemed genuine enough to me. They made a lot of valid points, especially the 25yr veteran I loved her explanation on why she loves women, she went into detail on levels the average person doesn't even think about. Inspiration comes from the strangest places.

Anyway, back to Sounds of Love. I started that chapter and basically did a rush job because I was tired and just wanted to get the ball rolling. Of course, all day it kept bothering me how crappy the intro was and what changes I wanted to make. I really hate when you start thinking about a story you're writing and have no way of preserving the ideas. For instance, while driving home yesterday, I was thinking about Marissa's interaction with Sumi's mom, and I wanted a unique description for her voice. It suddenly popped into my head, the perfect description. Unfortunately, I was driving and had nothing to write with, and since my phone is broken I can't even use that trusty digital note pad which holds many of my scene tidbits. So I did the worst thing you can, I kept repeating the description over and over in my head as to not forget.

As any writer knows, the more you focus on an unwritten scene, it begins to evolve, and as new changes happen the original idea morphs as well. By the time I got home I only remembered 25% of the original description. What I ended up writing was good, but I doubt it flowed as well as the original. Thus are the trials of a writer.

Oh, I've already started a preliminary outline for 'Year 2' of Aphrodite Academy. Lea's going to be 14 and entering the 8th grade. There will be a ton of changes and I'm already adding in tiny details in the first year for a smooth transition. I already have the main plot down which is exciting.

I still haven't touched Falling for Summer in weeks. With October swiftly drawing to a close, if I don't get to it soon, then there won't be an update till some time in December. It sucks because people will lose interest if they have to wait too long. Hopefully three new chapters of Sounds of Love will be the start of a long overdue apology.

Anyway, I need to go.

Two chapters of Sounds of Love down!

2011-10-23T23:45:00.002-04:00

Seconds ago I finished chapter 18 of Sounds of Love. This marks the second new chapter that's coming to Fictionpress. I won't resume updating until I start and finish chapter 19. Three new chapters is a weak thank you for all those fans who's waited patiently over a full year for anything. Sorry. :( Sumi can be super adorable at times. I just can't make her too adorable or she won't come across as a believable character despite this being a pseudo perfect world story.

These new chapters will be worth the wait, I promise. (random thought: I really love The Walking Dead) I'm also going to start the next chapter of Falling for Summer, and hopefully finish it by next Monday. That way I can have four updates for November. Yes, that means that the new Sounds of Love chapters won't go up until November. I'm doing this so that I can update during Nanowrimo.

I hate that every year it I have this same debate of whether or not I'm going to participate. One day I'm totally for doing it, and the next day I have a dozen reasons why it just won't work out this year. It's going to be super difficult this year, and the only solid writing time I'll have is on the weekends. I can write during the weekdays, but my time will be sever compromised between work, and the roughly 4hours I have at home before midnight. I can't write though the night on Nov 1st like I normally do at 12:00am because I have work and there's no way in hell I'd make that hour drive with no sleep, even amped up on caffeine it would be disastrous, literally.

Speaking of caffeine, this year I'm going to be using as little caffeine as possible. I'm too dependent on that stuff, and while it does give me creative bursts, I know I can write well enough without it, I just need to get healthier so my body doesn't require jump starts. And my keyboard SUCKS. The keys stick and Windows just lags when I type. I really need to find out of this is a writer thing, or am I just a destroyer of keyboards.

Being that my mom went food shopping yesterday, I finally have lunch for possibly the next month. That will save me money, not that I really had any to spend in the first place. Hopefully I can get my new phone before December. The Galaxy Nexus isn't that high on my list, and doesn't look like it's coming to AT&T anyway.

That's all for now.

400 posts later...

2011-10-17T23:04:00.002-04:00

To be honest, the reason I haven't posted so long is because I couldn't think of anything appropriate to do for my 400th post. In the end I just thought, fuck it just write the damn post. So, here I am.

Something interesting happened over the weekend. I wrote chapter 17 of Sounds of Love. I've wanted to continue that story for so long, but was worried I wouldn't be able to fall back into the rhythm. Unsurprisingly, after I finished the first page, it started coming back. Like all my chapters, the first page was mostly junk, after the second rewrite, it started to feel familiar. Then there was the difference. Over the past year, I've been working on Aphrodite Academy, Falling for Summer and the Bloody Kisses rewrite. My writing has evolved for the better.

Returning to Sumi and Marissa, I noticed the subtle changes in how I wrote them. The characters feel more mature, and their conversations are refined. While the story is still cute and pseudo-perfect world, it's more sensible, and I'm finally addressing the fact that they're lesbians in a world that doesn't just turn a blind eye to that. It's....interesting to say the least.

The chapter is basically finished but I don't want to post it yet. I want to have at least three new chapters written before I post just so people won't have to wait. It's a really sweet story that makes you feel good, the world needs more of those. Even if Marissa and Sumi's love is sugar coated, it tugs at the hearts of readers, at least I've been told so.

Nanowrimo is looming ever close. As usual, I have no idea what I'm writing. It's going to be super difficult this year, working eight hours a day, five days a week. I don't know if I'll be able to hit 50K in two weeks, that's been my formula for the years I've won. Then again, I seem to win every other year, and by that logic, I should lose this year. :( There are idea swirling but nothing concrete.

Being that my birthday is next month and I turn *takes deep breath* 30 *sighs* I'm preordered a Kindle Touch, and it actually arrives on my birthday, pretty awesome. I've always been curious about Kindles and it would be nice to have a collection of books takes less space than a magazine. I definitely want that leather case.

Speaking of things I want/need. I totally fucked up my iPhone and it's on life support. Being that my contract ended in August, I'm free to get a new phone. I just don't have the money as of yet. I'm currently leaning toward the Samsung Galaxy S II. I'm waiting on Google's Ice Cream sandwich conference tomorrow night to see if they're going to finally reveal the Nexus Prime. The rumored specs are insane though I'm not sure about the curved class. We shall see.

Lastly, I've started working on that interracial story about a black girl and her half white, half Indian girlfriend. It's something I've been doing on and off for nearly a year. I'm not sure where it's going, and it'll end up on Fictionpress at some point.

There's another story that's been floating around in my head for the past year. It's about a young woman who was turned into a vampire days after she finally confessed her love for the girl of her dreams. She shows up at her high school's 10 year reunion and hopes to rekindle a possible flame. Oh, and she's a major porn star, yes vampires do porn. This story takes place in the Bloody Kisses universe so, yeah.

I need to do stuff. Thanks for reading.

Stuck in the moment(s)

2011-10-05T22:40:00.001-04:00

So despite having an outline, and clear path toward the end of Falling for Summer, I still have the task of getting through each individual chapter outside of the schematic.

With this current chapter I'm doing a first in the story. This marks the first time there have been two consecutive chapters without Summer. I know as most reviewers have said "Summer makes the story" and I agree. She's what gives Falling for Summer it's unique flare. However, doing the odd chapter without Summer give me a chance to delve into lesser known characters. The problem with this current chapter is, well, to put it bluntly, it's boring. I sometimes forget that I have to take myself out of the stories and let the characters guide the stream of conscious thought.

This chapter's main focus is going to be Sheryl and Travis, and they both need to get a fair amount of time. Despite Travis having the least amount of interactions with Abby, he's by far, made the greater impact. I adore her ignorance and self-centeredness, it always draws Abby from the edge of sympathy. Over the course of the story, she's gotten better, but there are just some aspects of people that you can't change, just calm.

With that being said, I want this chapter to focus more on Travis. The issue with Travis, as I'm mentioned in a previous post, is how delicately I have to handle him. He's a special case, being one of the few active male characters I have (in any story) and that he's gay. So far, he's come out near what I've expected, though I can't say what lies in store. I'm avoiding as much stereotypical characteristics about him as I can while letting him guide his scenes. That's both exciting and dangerous. My mind can easily steer the story in a drastic direction, merely from bias, and by the time I realize this, I'll have invested much into the chapter. I'm already on the second draft purely because I hated how this was going. It was just dull, and almost felt like filler. I want every chapter to matter, and Travis has a lot to say, it's just getting him into a comfortable enough mood to get the vibe going.

I'm also trying to move ahead in Aphrodite Academy. With Nanowrimo mere weeks away, it doesn't look like I'll be able to finish Aphrodite Academy before Nov. 1. That story is easier to write since there's far less drama, and the situations are simpler. I'll do some work on it tonight, and hopefully finish this chapter at least. I won't hold my breath.

The Bloody Kisses rewrite hasn't moved in weeks. I want to write an outline for it, but that will be my hardest. Ever since starting this story over five years ago, the plot has gone through many drastic changes, many for the better and some questionable. I wish I could talk in depth about the plot here, but I don't want to ruin the story for the maybe 2-3 people who read this blog, and my writing. I'll just say the story has changed for the better, and the Bloody Kisses universe finally has some much needed structure because of it.

In other news, Steve Jobs passed away today. He was an innovator and pioneer. His legacy will live in through technology for decades to come. Whether you love or hate Apple, you have to give the man his due respect for paving the way for clean aesthetics, efficiency and the uncanny ability to not only create devices people didn't realize they need, but compel them to buy them. Even though I was surely let down by the iPhone 4s and will now jump ship to Android, I still respect Mr. Gates and as a nerd, give him a moment of silence.

In super unrelated news. I'm getting worried about my job. It's been four months and I'm still a temporary worker, despite having my nameplate outside my cubicle, and being in charge the week my supervisor went on vacation. I have no vacation or benefits and at this point, I feel that I'm being taken advantage of. Something has to be done. I don't know if I'll be able to manage all my bills on what I'm making, and I'm strongly considering a part time job. It would be nice to get a raise, or at least become a permanent worker, then I could actually entertain the idea of trading my car in. As it stands, things are stressy but I still smile.

Rejection

2011-09-30T22:38:00.001-04:00

I've just received correspondence on my story Plantains, which I submitted for the Best Lesbian Erotica 2012 anthology. I opened the email with a racing heart and read a long explanation of the selection process, then, my heart sank when my story wasn't selected. She did thank me for submitting and urged me to keep trying and not let this deter me.

While I'm sad that I've missed yet another opportunity at publication, I'm hopeful. She's right, I have to make this rejection my strength and keep going. I have to try harder and keep submitting and eventually, I'll make it into an anthology. Of course, my end goal is to have one of my original novels published. I have a subfolder in my email for all my submissions, and it's very small. As I've endlessly read, any serious writer amasses hundreds of rejections throughout their career. I don't have many because I haven't put myself out there. I'm going to keep trying. Rejection = motivation.

I've decided that I'm going to dedicate this weekend to Falling for Summer. Chapter 57 is finished, it's been sitting in my folder since Wednesday, I know, I'm terrible. It should be up tomorrow, I just need to give it a once over. My goal for this weekend is to write three chapters, and make it to Summer's pool party. Being that I've created an outline, with the ending of the story, it won't be so rough anymore.

A few people have asked me why I tend to favor 'curvy' characters in my stories. Well, anyone who's read this blog knows why. But, it's not something I go out of my way to do. I let the character's attributes naturally reveal themselves. It's not ALWAYS a skinny/curvy combination. I mean, look at Broken Dolls, Bloody Kisses, Sounds of Love and the Aphrodite Academy one shots. Those all feature 'normal' couples. I don't see the big deal about how the characters look. If they were all rail thin blondes with bolted on breasts, I wonder if people would have a problem. I like imperfections and when a character has glaring insecurities, it feels natural to me. Granted, weight is becoming a played out insecurity in my writing, but, my characters tend to have deeper manifestations beyond a muffin top.

Sorry for the rant, I just tire of having to justify why some of my characters look the way they do. Dammit, this keyboard is really going to hell. I really like this one, the damn keys just aren't as responsive anymore. I guess that's a sign of a writer as well.

Quick note, I've been making more character biographies. I try to make a bio of every character in a story as long as they have a spoken scene, regardless of how small. I like to have a reference in case they ever come up again. I've created a template which I can easily modify depending on the story. The base version is universal, for stories like Bloody Kisses, I have an expanded version that includes preternatural attributes, clan affiliation and so on.

I still don't know what to do with Groove To Da Beat. I want to take that story down it's so AWFULLY written. I'm ashamed to know I wrote that. I mean, the story is good, it's just written so poorly that it doesn't reach full potential. The characters and dialog need some serious work, it doesn't feel natural at all. And to think, that was my absolute best a few years ago. It's amazing how one can progress. Of course, if one were published, then it would be super amazing progress!

Anyway, I must go use this free $2 mp3 credit from Amazon and begin my 'Weekend of Summer'.

That's all folks!

The "End of Summer"

2011-09-25T20:37:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm embarrassed to admit this but, I've finally fought my stubbornness and created an outline for Falling for Summer. The story was stuck in neutral and I was getting frustrated. So much like what I did with Tainted Butterfly, I opened a fresh Word document titled 'End of Summer' and began outling the remainder of the story. Forty five minutes later, I have the ending!

I'm still in shock at how easy it was to flow the entire story down to the last scene if I just gave myself a blank canvas, rather than trying real-time as I have been the entire story. I can say this now, the ending is going to draw some heavy emotion from readers, happy and sad.

It's going to be hard to get through this ending, now that I know what's ahead for Abby and Summer. At the same time, this makes the story much easier to write, (not to mention faster) because I know what's going to happen and bits of how they're getting there. I really have to stop fighting outlines. I really want to talk about the ending to get some feedback, but of course that would outright ruin the story for any reader. I need to find someone who doesn't give a shit about the story, wait not, I mean someone who reads lesbian fiction, but hasn't read Falling for Summer. Yeah, that's better. They'd be able to give me a rough idea of how the ending might be received.

And to think, if I had outlined the story two years ago, maybe it would have been finished--two years ago. Of course, I believe things happen for a reason, and many of the developments in the story might not have come to pass two years ago. Two years ago Travis would have stayed a pissy boyfriend, rather than the teenager that he is. I don't really have anything to say other than that.

I did go clothes shopping today and bought a few dress shirts and two ties. I'm going to look fancy at work. Oh yeah; I went to Hardee's and ordered a 'Monster Burger' at noon today. It's 7:24 and I'm just starting to get hungry. That's something that I eat like once every few months, if even just because I don't want to weigh 300lbs. It definitely fills you up though. I need to go to the gym tomorrow. This job is getting me out of shape, and having a slow metabolism doesn't help. If only I were into sports, this wouldn't be a problem.

Eh, I had to walk away from posting when my sister called, asking how to set up Skype with a second hand webcam. It's working and she's excited.

I'm still excited about this outline that saved Falling for Summer. I've decided that I'm going to do outlines for Bloody Kisses and Aphrodite Academy. For Bloody Kisses, I'll call it 'End of Life' and for Aphrodite Academy, I'll call it 'End of Quiver'. You'd think after how successful an outline was for Tainted Butterfly, it would be standard fare. Oh well, I'm doing it now.

Oh and will all you dumbasses STOP reposting that stupid "Facebook is going to start charging" Status every single time they change the pages. I swear people have zero common sense. Facebook, much like Google, makes their money through advertisements and business agreements, that's how they keep the service free!
/end of rant.

My car is fixed.

2011-09-22T17:00:00.000-04:00

I had trouble sleeping last night due to worrying about my car. That whole fear of it breaking down on me in the highway and causing a severe accident resulting in my death worried me. I woke up, showered, got dressed and made my lunch for work, then I just decided not to go. I didn't want to drive the car, and preceded to email my job letting them know the situation. Everything was okay with them.

I Googled the symptoms my car was having and it was either my spark plugs or cylinders misfiring. Being that I know next to nothing about cars, I was fearing a massive mechanic bill. Fortunately my mom said she would help with the cost, but my brother insisted it was the spark plugs and also insisted he could replace them himself. I was worried if he fucked that up, it would just magnify the problem plus I'd have to get the car towed to a shop. So we went to various auto shops and at one I saw the product they manufacture at my job which was pretty cool.

He finally bought all the equipment and began working on my car. With a few calls to the dealership for questions, he managed to replace the spark plugs, with me doing my best to help. As he was working on my engine, and talking about how much a mechanic would charge for this, it directly paralleled my job in IT. People would in the same way rather take their computer to Best Buy or some shop rather than fix it themselves. It's all about confidence and knowledge of the product you own versus paying for the convenience of having it fixed. After he finished I turned on the car and noticed an immediate difference. The car no longer had seizures and it drove rather smoothly, even accelerating at a normal rate.

It's such a relief that my car works, and my brother actually fixed it. I know he has the severe tendency to be an asshole toward me, but there are times like this that he makes me appreciate him. On top of that, all I can say is faith works.

I want to do some writing today since I failed miserably last night. I guess Falling for Summer will get some time. Abby has much to say.

Stuff's been happening.

2011-09-21T23:43:00.000-04:00

So much has happened recently and I don't even know where to start. Regularly posting would have limited what I have to say, but I don't feel like saying much anyway.

I just got finished listening to Bailey Jay's radio show. She really is just a normal person, they just literally walk about anything which is cool. Anyway, that was my little happiness for the night, along with the season premiere of Modern Family.

I should get into writing first since that's generally what this blog focuses on. Someone started reviewing 'Groove To Da Beat' this week and they actually left useful comments. What struck me was how they noticed the progression of my writing from then to say 'Falling For Summer'. I immediately agreed. As I received more reviews from this person, I checked out the corresponding chapters. That's another thing I always do, if a reviewer mentions a particular scene from a chapter, I go back and read it. Being Groove is so old, I had forgotten a lot of the tiny details and had to read more of the chapter to understand the scene. That also meant I had to see first hand how far my writing has come!

I'm embarrassed of Groove To Da Beat. Yes, it was my baby, and is still considered one of my better stories. The problem is, I can comfortable say my writing has evolved beyond the level it was during that story's high point. The characterization is weak, dialog is horrible and the plot is all over the place. With those flaws, people still say it's a great story. Maybe they're being nice and overlooking them, or maybe I'm raising my standards too high for myself. Of course, the reviewer also noticed the story "lacked polish" for a nicer way of saying it. I had to completely rewrite Bloody Kisses from the ground up for that very fact. As for Groove, I may not rewrite it, but it needs some intensive surgery to bring it up to standard, and fix the multitude of issues.

I haven't moved in the latest chapter of Falling for Summer. Things are going well, I've been so damn stressed that it's hard to really sit down and write. Well I can if I really force myself, it's pretty much autopilot once I fingers touch the keyboard. Of course I can't pull a Laurel K. Hamilton and pound out 9 pages on a bad day. I do what I can, and sometimes it's merely a correction. I need to work harder if I ever want to see myself published. So far, Tainted Butterfly is my only finished novel and that's still in the endless editing phase.

Okay, enough about writing. My car was hit last week and I received a 2011 Toyota Camry to drive during the repairs. It drove so nice compared to my...car. I miss it. So I get my car back, and it immediately starts fucking up. It was having issues before it was hit, but I thought it was nothing. Now the engine light is coming on and it's shaking violently...not a good sign. The fact that my job is an hour from here scares the hell out of me. What if my car breaks down on the highway? Oh and the repair job failed. The splash guard that attaches to my bumper came loose and rubbed itself raw on my tire. Lovely.

They're going to fix it but that also means I have to leave work early yet again. I feel bad leaving early, especially since my supervisor is on vacation and I'm the only IT person. Speaking of work, I'm really getting concerned over my status. They have yet to make me a permanent worker, and now I'm starting to feel that I'm being used. Is it that they don't want to put me on the company insurance? I really need the money and I enjoy this job. I can't go back to job hunting all over again, it was a nightmare (no pun intended).

I also attempted to replace my iPhone 3gs battery by myself and was successful. The problem is, I damaged the cable that controls the earpiece...so my earpiece no longer works. Everything else does, so my phone is kind of a 3G iPod touch. I can still use the speaker to make calls, it's just not convenient. For now it looks like I'll have to buy a bluetooth headset and look like a massive tool. So far I'm 2% interested in the iPhone 5. If the unveiling doesn't impress me next month, I'm jumping ship and getting a Samsung Galaxy S II. I want a phone with a larger screen because I have large hands and the iPhone looks like a toy when I hold it.

There are so many things I need and I have no money ugh. I though getting a job would cure me of this ailment. Bills are thy enemy! I don't even know how I'm going to pay for whatever is making my car want to blow up. :( I've been so stressed lately, it's hard to eat and sleep. It's even worse that I'm avoiding caffeine so my body is going through withdrawal which isn't helping. At least I went to the gym today, though I don't think I'll be going back until I get my car fixed. I'm trying to avoid extra driving if I can. If only I could teleport, ugh.

Tired, need to wind down.

Boys with eyeliner and sprawling plot devices.

2011-09-11T22:51:00.000-04:00

So far, my favorite song on Sarah Jezebel Deva's album is Pretty with Effects. It's so hauntingly beautiful. Now, on to other topics.

Last night I watched a movie which featured a character who was a near living embodiment of Sophette. It didn't hit me until after the movie was over how perfectly she portrayed my character. I love how skillfully she manipulated the girls, toying with their affections, all the while causing dissension on the very of being outed. Of course, she was tragically flawed, which fit in perfectly with the character, and I was impressed at how it ended: She got away with it! That's what I'm talking about! Few movies and books have the balls to not only let the 'villain' win, but leave a lasting effect of ruination in their wake. She may have been defeated, but her influenced clearly resonated amongst all the girls: distraught and broken.

Seeing that movie only reinforces my idea that the key to creating a truly evil villain is subtlety. I've done a far better job with Sophette in the Bloody Kisses rewrite. Of course, this movie shows that I've still got a ways to go if I want her to reach her full potential. At the same time, I can't keep rewriting this story for ever or else I'll never finish it. Ah, the perils of being a writer.

Yesterday I talked about starting the next chapter of Falling for Summer. Well, I already have made some heavy revisions. They're more like cosmetic changes, literally. I'm really working on making Travis into a normal person, within the confines of his character. He walks a very fine line between flamboyant and transsexual though he isn't the latter. I can't say later in life things won't change. As of this point in his life, he's given Abby a firm "NO" to that question.

I never intended to have any gay boys in Falling for Summer. Brant sort of manifested right inside Raven. As for Travis, well, it was already mentioned that Brant had a boyfriend, and I figured people might want to meet him. So Travis was born, and a funny thing happened. He started talking to me once Abby was in the mall, and a new storyline for him generated. Isn't writing cool? I'm being very careful with how I handle Travis though. I know it may seem strange that I have a hard time writing guys, gay guys are even worse. Of course, with any character I create, they're not typical. The more I write Travis, the more comfortable I'm becoming with him, and the stronger his voice gets.

I know that he comes off very feminine, and it's partially because that makes him easier to manage. I don't know if I could create a very masculine gay male. Maybe that's sexist--in some weird way, or maybe that's just out of my comfort zone. Does that make me a bigot? Eh, I don't know, too many thoughts.

Travis potentially sets up a new story arch involving Abby, Sheryl and Tiffany. Ever since the fair, there have been so many potential stories that was swept to the side. With Falling for Summer winding down, I think it's time to address plots which make sense. I won't just throw in things because I can. If a scene doesn't serve a greater purpose, then it's not going in. Sadly, a few have slipped past in earlier chapters.

I'm going through the same process with Aphrodite Academy. I'm still stuck at Valentine's Day. Poor Lea, she's stressing so bad about her feelings. The world is a scary place for a 13yr old, at least she doesn't have to worry about Sophette, that would suck. no pun intended.

Oh yeah, I've been asked to fix the laptop of my pastor's daughter. The thing was MASSIVELY infected with spyware to the point the laptop was disabled. This guy had it for 5 months and wasn't able to fix it. As soon as I turned it on, I saw the fake Windows security suite pop up, throwing out all these apocalyptic system errors. I plugged in my trusty thumb drive and began disinfecting. I had to bring it home though due to it being so late, and my mom wanted to get back. I need to do one more scan to make sure all traces of the infection are gone. I love the feel of accomplishment after a successful computer job.

It's too hot. I should go to sleep but I have to watch that Dr. Horrible DVD, ugh.

Sarah Jezebel Deva!

2011-09-11T00:02:00.000-04:00

After months of delays and waiting, Amazon finally shipped my copy of Sarah Jezebel Deva's new Album "The Corruption of Mercy". The coolest part is that I spent much of yesterday morning talking to Sarah on Facebook.

I know it's dorky being excited that a celebrity took the time to talk to a lowly fan, but it was really cool that she actually answers questions. I wish she could come to North America for a tour. She's so underrated, at least I can enjoy her awesome CD. I'm really digging her cover of Madonna's Frozen.

Okay, in unrelated news, I *Gets on top of a mountain and shouts* FINALLY started chapter 57 of Falling for Summer today, and I'm four pages in. I can already say that this is a very deep chapter, and starts off with a thought provoking conversation between Abby and her mother.

I often talk about my lack of discipline when it comes to writing. What I've learned as a writer is that, if you're a true writer, you'll write if you have the capability. I'm not talking about talent, I mean literal capability (pen and paper, or word processor) What you write may not be good, but you'll spew something onto that paper as your imagination vomits it out. That being said, I've wanted to start this chapter for weeks, but I'm lazy. So today, I forced myself to open a blank Word document (which I started at for nearly five solid minutes).

My other problem is that when I write stories in which each chapter is a separate document, such as Falling for Summer, each new chapter is like staring a new book. Unless I end with a cliffy, then I have little to no idea how the chapter will start, so I sit there dumfounded. Then, I just say 'fuck it' and do what writers do and write. Thus, I wrote four pages today. Now I can't say none of that isn't attributed to actual talent, something which I regularly get told I have, and a sincere thank you to all those who do. I continually surprise myself when I review my work, and see the progress in my ability over the years.

Even looking back at the first few chapters of Falling for Summer, you can definitely see a change compared to current chapters. The quality of writing is vastly improved, characters have their own voices, and I've gotten way better with detail. That's another thing I love about getting reviews. I absolutely LOVE getting reviews along the lines of "I read your story from beginning to end and want more!" Hearing that just fires me up, but what really gets to me are when people tell me they can relate to the story/characters. Or when people say a scene made them cry or laugh out loud. Any type of honest reaction from a reader is a reflection on my talent as a writer.

***Warning Contains Slight Spoilers from previous chapters***
I want to be better, and as long as I keep receiving input whether good or bad, my writing is going to improve. Being that we're still discussing chapter 57 of Falling for Summer, Abby's finally spending some quality time with Sheryl, and Travis. I've been curious about Tiffany's girlfriend for a long time, and so has Abby. It's amazing how once the chapter started going, the details just flowed. Being this is such a long story, it actually has its own history which the characters can draw from. For instance, upon greeting Sheryl and Travis outside, we get detailed descriptions of each character, and in Abby's mind, she's doing mental comparisons of prior meetings of each character. In Sheryl's instance, she's going by their night at the fair, and from what Tiffany told her during their sleepover. Sheryl's really sensitive about her weight due to her father's sheer ignorance about lesbianism. It make me laugh to think some parents, especially single fathers really would do what he did.
***End of Spoilers***

In other news, my supervisor is going on vacation at the end of this month. His plan is to leave me in charge of system administrator duties....for the entire company. Despite out company being relatively small, less than 50 employees, this is still a huge responsibility for me. I knew this coming in that I would eventually take on more responsibility. That doesn't mean it still doesn't scare me. I'm not going to stress myself over this because that accomplishes nothing other than sounding whiny, and no one wants to hear that shit. I'm just going to learn as much as I can from him this coming week about our systems, and plenty of DETAILED notes so that I can be prepared.

He claims that the most I'll be doing is system backups and making corrections in our EDI system. I still want to be prepared for the worst case scenerios. At least he'll be a phone call away, or so he says. I'm still covering my bases.

While I'm on the subject of computers and such, I've decided I'm going to start a new blog. It's going to be a purely tech based blog, offering information on fixing computers and the related hardware. I'm considering having a series on building an actual computer, but I'm not sure how I'm implement that. There are so many ways to build a computer, of course, this would be a basic machine. One problem is I don't have a computer available. Well, I sort of do, it's the machine that I'm building for someone who for some reason has decided to cut off all communication with me. That machine still needs RAM, the two hard drives for RAID 1 and a graphic card. Eh, we'll see. I'm going now.

Inispiration

2011-09-04T22:51:00.000-04:00

There are a few things on my mind tonight.

My 2yr old niece just went back to NJ with her mom. I didn't expect to miss her so much, at time she was a pain in the ass, and the rest of the time, she was an adorable little kid. There are too many memories of her floating aimlessly in my head right now. I'm not sure when I'll see Chloe again, especially since her mother rarely posts pictures of her with a billion excuses why.

Okay, so I just finished watching a meet-up video from a guy that I've recently subscribed to on Youtube. "Gregory Gorgeous". He's a super feminine guy who does inspiration videos, as well as makeup and oozes positivity. He reminds me of how I originally wanted Travis, from Falling for Summer to turn out. What Travis has evolved into is his own person, not a bad thing, Gregory has definitely opened my eyes to what is possible for a guy, as well as how he's so accepted.

When I watched the videos leading up to his meet and greet, I was curious as to how many people would really show up. But when the actual video happened, you'd swear it was movie star. As expected the audience was 97% girls, and they were literally shaking. Many of them were saying how pretty he is, and that totally plays into the stereotype of how a gay guy is a girl's best friend, and how girls are obsessed with gay boys kissing. He was really cool though, and totally rocked his outfit. That's some amazing confidence to absolutely not give a fuck what anyone thinks about you, and just be yourself. That's his message and that's why so many people can out to see him. He stopping traffic.

Of course, that made me a little sad inside. I mean, I'm happy for him that he can be himself and he has a legion of fans for it. As a writer, I'm doing something similar. While our platforms are different, I'm trying to paint a positive picture for the LGBT community, despite not actually being a member. I've received a lot of reviews from people around the world who love my writing. I've received personal messages from actual lesbians who said my writing has touched them, even given them hope. It's hearing things like that, which make my writing worth it.

Sure, I'd love to actually see my legion of "fans" who've pumped Falling for Summer's hit count almost to one hundred thousand. The sad truth is, I'm a writer and writers rarely get the kind of recognition that Gregory received. It takes a special kind of writer, a prolific writer. Someone like Laurel K. Hamilton, Stephanie Meyer or J. K. Rowling would get mobbed in a mall. I could go in a book store and stand next to a pile of my books (if I were published) and I'm sure the majority of customers would talk right past me. I don't write for glory, despite my best efforts to convince myself otherwise. I write because I'm obsessed, and I want to perfect the story I've been writing for years in various incarnations.

I really would like to meet some of my fans. Just thinking that I have fans is empowering. It makes me smile, just know that something I've created can make someone in Pakistan feel better about themselves. Someone in Pakistan knows who Abby and Summer are, that's awesome! I'm smiling, I'm a dork. I'm so glad I'm off tomorrow, I can finally watch Jerry Springer, woo hoo. I miss Jerry and Maury. I also need to start the next chapter of Falling for Summer, people are waiting. Aphrodite Academy is coming slowly, and I need to work on that as well. November is fast approaching!

Katherine Jenkins, Bailey Jay and Aphrodite Academy...oh my

2011-08-28T20:58:00.000-04:00

Being that I finally reactivated my Rhapsody account, I'm getting reacquainted with all the good music I've missed over the past nine months. The first thing I listened to was Katherine Jenkins 'Believe'. She does a great cover of Bring Me to Life. While it was awesome to hear a classical cover of an Evanescence song, I felt Katherine doesn't go all out like Sarah Brightman would. She definitely has the voice to do the song justice, but I felt the accompanying orchestra was too flat, and it underpowered Katherine's voice. At the same time, she played it too safe and didn't really belt out the notes like Amy Lee does. It was still a good cover, just not to the epicness it could have been.

In other news, I think Bailey Jay is super adorable. The pic to the left is from her blog. Not sure if she allows people using her pics, but I just wanted something to show her goofiness. She's a transgender pornstar that has many similarities to Mia, though Mia doesn't do porn. What really amazed me was something that Bailey said in her awesome podcast. It was about why she does porn. It came out of a discussion about Adam Corolla and his comments about the LGBT community.
Bailey basically said that in order to make a difference, you need to have a voice, and the easiest way for a transgender person to get that platform for their voice is through porn. It's a sad reality, but she's right. That's almost exactly what Mia's idol (a post-op porn star, transgender activist) said to her. True to her word, Bailey does address issues and gives advices to fight ignorance, and show she's just a regular woman with an adorable voice.
I admit, Bailey has had influences in Tainted Butterfly as have other well known transwomen. I love how down to earth and accessible she makes herself through her podcast and blog. It removes the barrier for people who simply want to understand, and allows those like me, who are trying to add another voice to the community (Mia). She even talks to people on Skype. I'd feel awkward explaining to Bailey that I've written a 700+ page novel about a young transsexual girl. Of course, that would legitimize me into not being some tranny obsessed pervert. I really hate the term tranny, it sounds like a slur. I really hope she doesn't mine me using that picture, anyway I just wanted to make mention of another person who is a splash in the genetic makeup of Mia.

I finished chapter 77 of Aphrodite Academy. It took me a few hours, but I sat my ass down at wrote. Not exactly the 10-12 chapters per day of Nano, but this is still progress. The story now sits at 261 pages, or 122,078 words. My writing is too long. Once I become an established writer (fingers crossed) then length won't be an issue. Until them, cutting is going to suck.

Oh and some cool news. My student loans are coming out of their grace period! I not only have a $200 bill in two weeks, but a separate $586 due in four. How AWESOME is that! I mean, I'm paying $589 to get new tires with a service plan this Saturday, plus I have my phone bill, car insurance, gym, gas, my third student loan, and Netflix and Rhapsody which are minor. Yeah it's a good thing I make $300/hr or I'd be fucked. Oh wait, I don't make anything near that. Sighs. I'm just grateful to have a job, and even though things are tight, they're a hell of a better than they were a few months ago when I was eBaying all my games and anime just to keep my cell phone on.

Well, goodnight folks.

Built a computer for my sister.

2011-08-23T22:26:00.001-04:00

Cheapass finally swallowed her pride, and opened her wallet so that I could build her a computer. The one she has died, it was purchased around 2003 and died by a combination of old age and user neglect/incompetence. Being that I've been itching to get my hands on a second generation Sandy Bridge processor, this was a perfect opportunity.

Fortunately, there's a Mirocenter less than ten minutes from my job. So I configured her a budget machine that exceeded her needs (email, Facebook and heavy browsing). The original configuration was $321.99 but she wanted a better case, and the webcam was out of stock. So it jumped to $341.00. That's still better than anything she would have gotten at Best Buy, considering it has a high end processor, 4 gigs of RAM, 80 plus certified power supply and a 1TB hard drive. Not that she'll had any idea what any of that means, or likely even appreciate it. I just love building computer, and technology. So this was a great experience for me, and it took me roughly 40 to build it. The damn motherboard was being stubborn when I tried to mount it into the case. Hopefully, when she receives it (I'm shipping it to her), she'll put in a good word and maybe I'll get some offers, paying offers.

In other news, my brother told me that I'm now in charge of paying three bills in the house: Water, Gas and power. That on top of my student loans, car insurance, cell phone and Dell payments makes me frown. It's going to be even harder to have any spending money, and I still haven't gotten inFAMOUS 2 yet. :(

I haven't written in like two days due to being so freaking tired. I drank one of those Rockstar 250mg energy drinks on the way home today and it's still working. Also, I learned that energy drinks have an average half life of 3-5 hours. So it takes around 6-10 hours for a 16.oz energy drink to fully leave your system. So one a day for a week amounts to zombie mode by day 3. That must be why I feel so exhausted some weeks that I actually do have them consecutively. The way I talk about caffeine, one would think I consume an energy drink with each meal. I only drink them like twice a week, if I have any. I've never went a full week drinking them. I came close back when the local gas station sold this generic brand $19 for a case of 24. I think that's when I gained 10lbs. All those calories, ugh, what was I thinking. I'm still paying for that.

As much as I enjoy summer, I can't wait for winter. There's something about bundling up and wearing hoodies that makes me comfortable. Must be some introvert aspect. I hate ice storms, but love snow, we don't get much of either here, but when we do it's horrible.

So it's almost 10:30 and I still haven't written anything today. I'm going to attempt to get in some writing and it looks like my Rockstar is just staring to wear off dammit. Crash here I come. I need to get in a page of Aphrodite Academy tonight!

One last thing that I want to talk about. My dad was in another car accident and his car is totaled. The insurance paid off his car, but he doesn't have enough to buy another. He's retired and is on a very small fixed income and isn't able to afford another vehicle. Without a car, I don't know how he's going to get around. Right now he's using a rental, but that's being paid for by his insurance and he has to give it back in a few days. I feel so bad for him, he loves being on the road and around his friends, without a car, my dad's basically grounded. It's times like this I wish I was a wealthy published writer so I could take care of my parents. I'd buy him a new car that he could park in his little house that I also bought him. It's not like those are impossible goals, I just have to try harder.

Up late writing stuff.

2011-08-21T00:36:00.000-04:00

So I'm trying this new 12 .oz Lo carb Rockstar that has 250mg of caffeine. I took it about three hours ago and I've only started yawning twenty minutes ago. That's a plus in my book. Even better there's only 15 calories so I'm not drinking a donut.

I finally finished chapter 56 of Falling for Summer last night. It's a solid chapter, but I did make a cut. Toward the end of the chapter, it was going to expand into a very long scene, which would have added roughly 4 more pages onto the chapter. It would also have slightly affected the story's direction. In the end, I felt it wasn't necessary to go down that road. The scene is talked about, but it stops short of happening in the chapter. See, I'm steadily working on cutting. If only it were that simple for Tainted Butterfly.

I'm working on a chapter of Bloody Kisses, and I'm really drawing on the darkness from the original. It's a very dark chapter involving Sophette and Valentina. I really want to show Sophette's inner struggle with her attraction to Valentina, and the obvious undertones. There's so much research that goes into this story. I really wish I knew more about women's clothing. Sophette and Alyria have this collection of Victorian era dresses, and they hold great significance. The problem is accurately describing these dresses to the reader, while conveying the nostalgia or importance they hold. Why do I always create these impossible challenges for myself? Well, Tainted Butterfly was a success, so far.

In other news, my sister actually gave me the money to build her a computer. To say I'm shocked is an understatement. She's a total cheapass. I'll pick up the parts after work on Monday. Since starting this job I've built 14 new computers, plus the one I built for my niece. Talk about experience! I'm still waiting on word if I'm going to be a permanent worker....they're really stringing this temporary worker thing out.

Anyway, I've also resubscribed to Rhapsody since they have a $5 for three months deal going on. Since I'm working, I can afford it again since it actually helps me. Now I can create new writing playlists again with current songs, and fix all my broken playlists from when I had to cancel. Music really helps keep me focused, it's just hard to find that right mix for each story. I've found Tarja's "My Winter Storm" is a good album for writing Bloody Kisses. I do have a dedicated playlist with lots of Spanish themed songs. I need to work on them. It's late, and I guess that's all for tonight, the yawns are increasing frequency.

Maybe Nano, maybe not.

2011-08-10T23:43:00.000-04:00

I wrote 253 words on Aphrodite Academy tonight, and that took me about two hours. During Nano, I was doing roughly a thousand words a hour on the same story. I really wish I could capture the essence of Nanowrimo into a bottle and spray it on me before every writing session. Then I'd be a machine like Laurell K. Hamilton, churning out 6-9 pages a day. Alas, I only have that vigor during November.

Since we're on the subject of Nanowrimo, I've been unofficially offered a permanent full time position at my job. Normally that kind of new would receive its own blog post, but this is unofficial. He still needs to get clearance from his boss, and then draft up a formal agreement for me to sign. As always, I won't jump the gun until it's confirmed and official. It will be nice to finally have insurance. Of course that also bring a huge question about Nanowrimo 2011. I work 8-5 M-F, and typically don't get home till 6pm (due to the drive) if I go to the gym, then I get home around 7pm. That basically gives me 4-5hrs a night to write. Last year I was unemployed so time wasn't an issue. I always breezed through Nanowrimo due to my day one charge. There's NO way I can do that this year, unless I was 1hour of sleep before work.

I know I can write 50K this year, but that's not what I want. I want to go above and beyond, but with a full time job, it's going to be a serious crunch during the week. I'm find on weekends, well Saturdays since I have church Sunday mornings.

I keep wondering about that erotica story I went for submission. I know they don't get back to authors for months, but I don't know if they take priority over those who actually make it into the anthology. I stupidly forgot to include the SASE, it was reckless and I hope they don't hold it against me. Then again, I don't want the story back, it's not like I can't print more copies. I just want some kind of correspondence if I was selected or not.

My supervisor also told me he finally ordered the final five computers for the job I was originally hired for. So I get to build PC's again, yey! I'm at the end of my A+ cram book. 50 pages and I take the practice exams. Once I'm ready, I take the real thing and become A+ certified, step one in my long IT career. Of course, getting published is the first step in my daunting literary career. If only I got paid to write. :(

Late night thoughts.

2011-08-09T00:28:00.000-04:00

Well, it's not really that late. It's two minutes after midnight. For the past two months, I've rarely stayed up past 12 because work is so draining. I'm getting better with being on time. I've been early three days in a row. I guess that's not much of a consolation being my supervisor is two hours late nearly every day.

I've been working there well past the two month period I was originally hired for. The problem, is that I'm still a temporary worker, and there's been no update on whether they're going to bring me on full time. I really need the money, and I'm finally getting my finances back on track. I have $400 in my savings account. I know that's pathetically small compared to what most people have, but I was unemployed for seven months and it decimated my funds.

Speaking of money, the words of my friend Dan have never run truer. He makes nearly double what I make and he keeps saying how he's broke. Before I got this job, I never understood that. I mean, I was doing pretty well when I was a student worker making $8/hr. Now I finally get a real IT job with full time hours, making the most I ever have, and I find myself just able to pay my bills and have disposable income. Sometimes I'll have a hundred dollars to last me two weeks, sometimes less. I'd like to say I don't have anything to buy since I bring my lunch nearly every day. Truthfully, there are tons of things I want to buy, like iNFAMOUS 2, or the parts to the computer I've been building forever, or to go on a spending spree at Borders. I also need more business casual wear. I like polo shirts, my supervisor hates them because they make him look 'rounder'.

That's another issue that's depressing me. I happened to notice a scanned picture of my driver's license in my picture folder. What stuck out was my weight. I was 180lbs when I came to Georgia in 2006. Now, nearly five years later, I weight 208. I've gained nearly thirty pounds. :( If only I could teleport to the gym, it wouldn't eat into my gas. Or at least the damn place could be closer.

I'm still not finished with Aphrodite Academy. I've just reached February, which if anyone read the one shots, knows how special that month is to the school. Basically, I'm working toward a June ending. As I have to keep reminding myself, this is the first book and everything isn't supposed to be explained. This is where multiple storylines begin, and the reader hopefully gets a personal understanding of Aphrodite Academy.

Ever since finishing Tainted Butterfly (I actually a novel, go me!), the story has been swimming in my head. Mia's voice has quieted substantially, and I know once I go back to editing, she'll start talking, and that becomes a problem. Since the story is finished, I don't have to worry about adding more, it's just the cutting that terrifies me. Cutting anything from a story feels wrong, but cuts are necessary as it good editing. The latter isn't my strength. I need a join a writer's group. :(

Today I was thinking about the erotica story I went in to that lesbian anthology. It would be AMAZING if my story was chosen. I would be published, not only that but a guy published in a lesbian anthology. I know it has to have happened before, just not talked about. Guys get so much shit for writing lesbian stories, but no one seems to have issue with lesbians writing male/male stories. That double standard makes me sick.

Ugh, work is going to be loooong tomorrow. I'm still working on this Excel spreadsheet. I can't get the damn formulas to work. Correction, I can't figure out the right formula. I originally used a VLOOKUP but my supervisor wanted it to filter out the data it pulled from the second page, that just about fucked my day. I can't filter because the data is being run through Powerpivot, which is pulling from a server, and I can't edit that data due to their being no damn 'Total' field, which is what he wants me to filter. ...at least I have a job. It's still annoying though.

Nieces

2011-07-27T23:39:00.000-04:00

So my sister is visiting with her now two year old daughter. It's been nearly a year since I've seen little Chloe: niece #459. She's talking now, as well as a two year old can. She pronounces her name Cowey and is as friendly as ever. Well, when she first came, she clung to her mother's side, slowly remembering everyone. She's still her mom's second shadow, but plays with everyone. I forgot what it was like to have a kid in the house. She's so energetic, and since I'm the only one that ever picks her up (due to everyone's suspiciously varying ailments) she's always coming around me.

I've also noticed she's very different from a year ago. While she's still naive as a child can be, she's more restrictive in her actions, likely from understanding past experiences. I'm also relieved she no longer shoves everything within her line of sight into her mouth. It's weird being able to have conversations with her now, even though her speech is still a bit garbled. I've been taking lots of pictures of her since her mom never does. Unfortunately I just lent my camera to my other niece.

I feel bad. That's my 20yr old niece who I spend a lot of time talking to and sometimes hanging out with. I always get along better with female relatives. Anyway, we were talking and as usual she tells me how mean I am for pointing out the many flaws in her logic and such. Of course I've done tons of nice things for her, including build the new computer that's in her room, I even took her out for her 16th birthday and paid for everything. I still remember that night, it was the month after I started college. One the way to drop her off, I stopped at the gas station and bought a 24.oz Monster. That was around the beginning of my questionable caffeine addiction.

What I feel bad about, actually has to do with college. She's going to Georgia State college, and I went to DeVry. Everyone and their mother dumps on DeVry. Hell, I've made a few jokes about the place, but it's still a sensitive subject, especially when berates it to the point of devaluing my education. Okay, I admit I didn't go to some fancy ivy league school and graduate with a stick up my ass. DeVry University is the equivalent of a global community college, heavily focused on the technical aspects. I did my four years and I have a bachelor's degree framed on my wall. Despite being DeVry, I'm proud of the fact that I'm a college graduate. How many people can say that? So in my annoyance, I pretty much said Yes, I went to DeVry, graduated, and they helped me get my IT job, aren't you still flipping burgers at McDonalds and taking summer classes? Yes, that was a low blow, and I say things like that when I'm annoyed, or generally just because. On some levels, that attributes to me being an asshole. But it's the guilt that makes me human.

Down about all sorts of things.

2011-07-23T01:06:00.000-04:00

I was recently saddened by the news that Borders is going out of business. Much like the slow death of the record store, book stores are officially on the endangered list. Outside of smaller chains, most of which are barely surviving against e-readers, it's going to be increasingly difficult to find that unique atmosphere a book store brings.

It's times like this I wish I had gone to Borders more. I say this not to pretend I would have made more purchases that would somehow save the chain from going under, but for the sense of belonging. As a writer, a bookstore has a special place in my heart. It's where I can go browse the works of people who see the world as I do, breath in the coffee and pastry filtered air and see the newest novels, imagining my own book(s) having a place. I'd imagine that's how a musician or plain music aficionado feels when they walk into a record store.

As with all liquidation sales, they're a double edged sword. While everything is on sale, the stuff you actually want has the lowest markdown (books). I've noticed that their Blu Rays are 40% off and their CD's are 30% but the trick is that they're marked up so high that the discount actually brings it down the the standard price in every other store, so you're actually not saving at all. The trick with liquidations is to wait till the second week, that's when they double the discount. Of course, that also means the store is likely picked clean of most of the good stuff, not buy anxious customers waiting to get a "deal", but the store actually shipping stock in order to clear inventory. That's why the stores empty out so fast. So yeah, you can hold out for an actual deal, or chance it and wait. I picked up an Anita Blake book and the second Kim Harrison witch book. I wanted to get more but I'm on a tight budget, which leads me to another issue, money!

You know, it's weird. With this job, I'm making the most money I've ever made, and I seem to have the least amount of money. I've broken down my paychecks into a near science. Basically, I have it set up where as soon as my check is deposited to my account, 1/3 of it is automatically deducted toward student loans and my savings account. I'm proud of myself for making the effort to have an auto deposit for my savings every check. That was something I learned from previous jobs. That way I won't have a chance to spend that money. Then, I have to separate $160 for gas, then depending on what time of the month it is, I have to pay my car insurance and cell phone. That usually leaves me with around $120 before taking Netflix and my gym membership int account. And of course, I have buy myself enough food so I can make lunch for the two weeks because there's no way I can afford eating out everyday. I'm also sending my dad some money since he's retired and on a fixed income back in NJ, as well as giving my brother a little money as I do live rent free in his house. What paycheck?

So yeah, I'm trying to wrap my head around how when I was working as a student worker, making a meager $8/hr taking home around $325 every two weeks, I was not only able to freely buy gas whenever I needed it, but I ate out for lunch practically everyday. Now that I have a (temp-to-hire) full time job, taking home more than double that every two weeks, I'm on a shoe string budget. I still haven't bought iFAMOUS 2 yet. :( It's so strange, I kept thinking how as soon as I get a job, things are going to be awesome; I could prepay Netflix for a year, be able to buy games if I wanted, upgrade my computer and pay off all my bills, oh and buy a case of energy drinks. Well, I'm still paying Netflix month to month, but I can afford it at least, and I haven't bought a single game hell, I barely turn on my game systems except for Netflix because I'm always so tired when I get home.

I guess this is all just an effect of finally 'growing up'. I like my job and I like the sense of accomplishment and self worth it gives me. I know it's partially from the business casual attire. Speaking of which, I bought two more polo shirts and two more dress pants today. Each payday, I try to get at least two shirts. I really need more khakis and another tie or two. You'd think spending three years working as a student IT worker, I'd have amassed a closet full of dress shirts and pants. No, they let us wear jeans and tee shirts, but I strangely had the money back then and just wasted it hardcore. Now I've being responsible with my money because I have to. I'm still working on finish this computer and I haven't even bought a replacement power supply for my other PC yet. Yes, the more money you make, the less you have. Interesting.

Well, I just needed to talk to the aimless internet for a bit. I'm going to work on Bloody Kisses for a little bit, then probably go to bed.

Goodnight.

Spent the whole day in Microsoft training, ugh.

2011-07-14T23:55:00.000-04:00

So today at work I endured a day long training session for Microsoft AX 2009. I won't be using it, it's the finance department but my supervisor wanted me to sit in on it. He's been giving me a lot more responsibility lately, and having me learn more things. It really seems like he's building a case for my usefulness once my "trail" period is over. He's expressed many times he wants to take me on permanently, and has also stated that if that happens my workload will triple. If only my pay would. A guy can dream, right?

A scene popped into my head today. It was inspired by a crappy movie I fell asleep on Netflix last night. The scene is about a lesbian couple that is awaken by a storm. I want to capture all the small details and really draw the scene out. The main image I want is one girl, lying away, looking at her girlfriend staring out the window, in nothing but a pair of green boy shorts. It's a good exercise in detail, and I wrote the first page. It's shit, but that's the point. With anything I write, as long as I finish the first page, then the project has a chance. If I don't make it that far, well fuck it. Seriously, I won't even save a story until I pass the first page, I do have some guidelines.

Other than that, I started chapter 72 of Aphrodite Academy. This such an adorable story. I like writing lighter stories in between all the darker stuff. I guess the only dark story I'm currently writing is the Bloody Kisses remake since I'm on a break from Tainted Butterfly. I thought I erased my Aphrodite Academy playlist a while ago, I was getting nervous. Turns out, Windows Media player only saves the most recent 5 in that sidebar. Since I made a Falling for Summer playlist, it pushed Aphrodite out of the bar.

I tried sugar free Bawls for the first time today. It tasted pretty bland, but all clear energy drinks taste that way. I had to pick up a cheap webcam for my brother to take to Jamaica with him. The one I picked up should be good enough over there. I'm annoyed Microcenter just got the Intel i3 550 processor in stock that I wanted to get last week. Ugh! Now I'll have to see if I'll have enough next paycheck to squeeze it out. Damn then and their no delivery policy. Don't they want my business!

Okay, enough of that. Gamestop has the iNFAMOUS 2 Hero Edition for $59. I don't know how long that is, but it that last up until next Friday, I might have to jump on that. Anyway, that's all for me. I need sleep and stuff.

Finished my third draft of Tainted Butterfly!

2011-07-13T21:48:00.000-04:00

Well, I guess I can say with a degree of certainty that Mia Moretti's story is finished. While there are still some subplots that might need to be dropped and such, from a novel standpoint, the last word has been written. It's not as exciting as when I finished the first draft, but, it does give me a sense of accomplishment.

Looking back at the original draft, this revision has grown by a hundred pages! That wasn't my intention, my goal was to reduce the story by around 200 pages. But as I was going through, I had to fix numerous errors regarding nearly every facet of transsexuality.I've stitched up the plot holes and given did my best to make every character three dimensional and create a sense of familiarity. Well, I'm not sure how familiar the trials and tribulations of a young transsexual will be among readers. I guess that comes down to how much they see Mia as a girl versus a transgirl. To me, Mia's a girl, but I suppose that's due to creating and writing her for the better part of three years.

I'm forcing myself to take a break from Tainted Butterfly now that it's "finished". The next story which I'm trying to finish is last year's Nanowrimo winner: Aphrodite Academy. I'd say I'm roughly 75% finished with the story. I really like the characters and the naivety of the characters in their experiences. It was awesome that Mia and Payton were able to make a cameo. Hopefully, I can finish this story before summer's end.

I haven't worked on Falling for Summer since starting the first page. Sometimes I worry that story will never end. I suck at endings, I wish I were one of those writers that starts with a clear vision of the ending and builds a story around it. I'm the opposite. Why is writing so damn hard?

I need to go to bed early today. I've been depriving myself to sleep to work on all these stories and it's taking a toll on me at work. My supervisor mention that we're going to deploy the new computer I built during the first week of August, which extends my position past the two month mark. I'm still temp-to-hire and this gives me a little more hope that I may be kept on permanent. I'm yawning, sleep calls.

Feeling Empty

2011-07-09T20:38:00.000-04:00

I spent the better part of last night, and today configuring my niece's new computer. I'm relieved she finally bought a new PC since that relic they have downstairs has long expired. Her laptop bit the dust earlier in the month and she had very few options.

It's no secret that I love building computers, and I really wanted her to get one so I could build it. Well, she did, and damn was it a cheapo machine. It was a DYI sale on Newegg, so you couldn't expect anything near top of the line parts, it was still more than enough for her, especially the terabyte hard drive. I made an admin account which she's never to use. It's basically there in case she somehow fucks the machine, at least there's a clean account which is separate from the catastrophe. I made her account a standard, so that she won't go crazy installing every application. Then there's the guest account because her mother and little brother will likely use the pc at times. (Mainly when she's not home)

She arrived about 30min ago to pick it up. It almost feels like I gave a kid away. I spent so much time getting everything just right, and then it's over. Oh well, on to something new I suppose.

I started writing the latest chapter of Falling for Summer. I was inspired while at Walmart today. I needed to get some more polos and khakis for work. Being the middle of summer, it's very hot and people appropriate themselves. It amazes me how little people will wear all in the name of keeping cool. I think some have an ulterior motive of just using the heat as an excuse. People were walking around damn near naked in the store. It's unbelievable how tiny shorts have gotten, and how not tiny some of the women are who wear them.

Of course, that immediately makes me think of Summer, who is forever barely dressed. The chapter starts with Summer raising that point, but I want her to elaborate on it, and touch on Abby's growing acceptance, and attraction to seeing women in skimpy summer clothing. I don't have any caffeine :( Hopefully, I can finish the first page.

I'm again muddling through Aphrodite Academy. I know what I want to happen, but concentration and attention span keep fighting each other. I just want to be finished with something. I have basically a chapter and Tainted Butterfly is finished (for real this time) and then I can put it down before the daunting editing. Sadly, this second revision is nearly 60 pages longer than the original, which was already inexcusably massive by publishing standards.

I'll try to see what I can do tonight, hopefully write. If not, I'll drink more water.

Does this make me an asshole? #4

2011-07-05T21:35:00.000-04:00

So the Casey Anthony verdict has been heard 'round the world, and so have the very vocal opinions. So, it got me thinking, how would it play out if Sophette went on trial for the 500+ girls that she raped and killed over the years. I mean, the statue of limitations alone would absolve her of a good 97% of that, which would absolutely infuriate the surviving family members. Just think of all the generations she's halted, all for her warped desires.

It would be interesting to write, though the timing is pretty terrible, and it would be "controversial" blah blah. Truthfully, I don't have enough experience with the legal system to create a compelling drama based around a court case, despite having a fully fleshed out character within that universe. It would be a nice exercise to add yet another layer of depth to Sophette, and finally get her to stand up to her convictions. Her ex girlfriend was thrown through the ringer, and Sophette received a slap on the wrist. I know that when some people read Bloody Kisses, they immediately hate Sophette just because of her "habits" toward young girls, and there are those who appreciate her as a character and are intrigued by her inner struggle to live a normal life (as normal as a white skinned vampire can)

Maybe wanting to do that doesn't make me an asshole. I mean, it's not like I'm mocking the trial, it's just taking an extreme spin on the situation, but with a pseudo realistic tone due to having so much invested in Sophette as a character. Actually, a trial of that caliber would make sense within the story, maybe in a later book, "justice" would finally come to Sophette. Justice is subject depending on the reader, and the story. With Eva, this would never happen. Eva doesn't go to trial because her evil is omnipresent. :)

On a side note I just have to say "Unleashed" by Epica is an absolutely amazing song. I've added it to my Bloody Kisses playlist.

I didn't do anything for the Fourth of July. Well, I did go to my brother's house and we took a look at my niece's laptop. He did most of the work as I've never worked on a laptop other than upgrading RAM, swapping out a hard drive or installing a Bluetooth chip. It was a fun learning experience. He showed me how to take off the keyboard and LCD screen. I really wish I had a laptop to practice on.

I'm more than halfway through my A+ cram book. I'll be ready for that exam by the end of the month. My supervisor keeps teasing my employment beyond the summer. Today he mentioned a project they're starting in September, which involves some of what I was hired to do. I really hope this becomes full time.

Speaking of my job, I had a steady paycheck for the time being and I've finally gotten my bills under control. *throws confetti* This week I want to get the processor for the Antec PC that I've slowly been building for like two years. Money is still tight since I'm dumping a lot into my loans, and putting away $100 in my savings each check. So I actually have a disposable income, if I'm smart with it. So yeah, I'm going to finally finish that PC, how many times have I said that over the years? Ah, that's one of the cool things about this blog, I can always look back and see how I've changed over the years.

People are lighting fireworks outside again. It was storming really bad last night, so no many people were lighting up. Then again, I didn't have any fireworks this time. Last year I bought a bunch and was lighting them in front of the house, with my mom and then 1yr old niece watching. It was awesome.

Back to writing. So Tainted Butterfly is seriously on the final chapter. I want to bring the story full circle (not counting the afterword) and sew up one major wound in the story. It may not seem that important on the surface, but that relationship had many ramifications throughout the story, and was responsible for some of Mia's strongest emotional and physical trials. I'm endlessly proud of Mia, and if I can get this story published, I'll definitely donate some of the profits to transsexual programs. Everyone needs a voice, and if I can help give them even a few words, then I will.

In regards to Bloody Kisses, things are getting deep. I love it! The vampires are finally starting to get into what makes Sophette and Alyria so unique, and they've uncovered some interesting data. This is taking the story in a whole new direction that was needed, and I'm also delving into the mythology of pure bloods, and why there are so few in the universe. I'm almost embarrassed to say I wrote the FP version of Bloody Kisses, but there are still some very strong scenes t hat I want to keep, especially thouse regarding Sophette's inner struggle.

I don't have much to say about Falling for Summer other than I haven't started the new chapter yet, which shouldn't come as any surprise.

I guess this is a long entry, I need more of these.

Had another lunch with my supervisor, Jolene and writing.

2011-06-30T21:28:00.000-04:00

Today was yet another lunch with my supervisor. This time however, the company boss actually took us out as appreciation for all our efforts. When I say us, I mean me and the other IT guy. They had me doing some data entry work earlier this money, and I ended up finding the company a "lot of money" as I was told. So we were treated to this super fancy Italian restaurant, it was really good!

I also had an espresso for the first time today. This thing is so itty bitty. It's like it was made for Mia, or Valentina. It's weird, with all my trial with energy drinks, and various forms of caffeine; that nasty ass espresso had me wired for the better part of the afternoon. Oh, but did I crash! So much like that awful drink Cocaine, espressos are also on my NO list. Well, that and they taste awful. I'm just not a coffee drinker.

In somewhat cool news I finally bought Dolly Parton's Jolene AKA the unofficial theme song for Falling for Summer. I've always a secret crush on Dolly and she sort of crept into the story. Jolene's such a nice song and it made me think of Summer.

With this job and doing steady 8-5 every week day, it got me thinking. If they do take me on as a permanent worker, how in the hell am I going to do Nanowrimo this year? There's no way I'd be able to pull all nighters, I'd only be able to do that one Friday and Saturday nights. Granted, I only need two full weeks to win Nanowrimo as past experiences have proven. Hell, I slacked off severely last year and it was a new record for me! I still have no idea what I'm doing this year, but for the first time ever, it's going to be crunch time.

I can't believe that Tainted Butterfly still hasn't ended. I wrote the Afterword, and did a bit of cleanup work toward the end, but I still haven't nailed that End that the story sorely needs. It frustrates me.

Aphrodite Academy is creeping along and I really wanted that story finished by now. The Bloody Kisses rewrite has been taking so much of my focus, and with this job I find my writing time severely limited. I barely stay up past 11 anymore because I have go get up so early, and it's not worth being a zombie in the office all day. I need to write more on weekends.

Still, I'm super proud of Tainted Butterfly. I mean, I'm a guy who wrote a full length novel starring a male-to-female transsexual. I have confidence in Mia and I feel like given the chance, readers will embrace her. I did my best to flesh our every character, and give minor characters enough depth that they're a natural integration to the story rather than just a new plot device.

I know I talk about this a lot, but in the nearly three years since I started Tainted Butterfly, transsexuals have become normal to me. Much like how lesbians aren't a super huge mystery anymore. Don't get me wrong, there is still tons upon tons of things I need to learn about women, especially t-girls. Youtube has been my saving grace, I don't even know how many transsexual videos I've watched. Those women have helped shape Mia whether they know it or not. I do want to thank some of them, but it's almost creepy to tell a complete stranger "Hey, I appreciate what you're doing and I created a fictional character based on your input" Yeah, that sounds pretty odd.

Of course, there's that issue with Tainted Butterfly being a MASSIVE tale. I could split the story in three as it takes place over three years. But, it's not evenly disbursed and I would actually have to add more into the beginning, and....ugh I don't know. My novels are too long. Aphrodite Academy is already past 100K and I need to be around 80K as a first time author to stand a chance of being published.

In other news, it looks like my 2yr old niece is going to be in a movie. Her mom has really been trying to make money off her, and it looks like something might come of it. I admit, I'm jealous. I always thought I'd be the first person in the family to ever have a chance at being famous. I know she only has a small background part, but that can still open doors. That just means I have to try harder to get my writing together and get an agent. Being embarrassed to tell people what I write, or even that I'm a writer is another issue.

I'm tired.

Massive overtime, pizza and Amy Lee returns.

2011-06-26T01:39:00.000-04:00

It's 1:31AM on a Saturday night and I just got home a few minutes ago from work! I was helping my supervisor upgrade our servers. We basically took everything out of the rack, cleaned them and reorganized them while adding in the three new servers. It took a VERY long time. I was basically there 12 hours so I got massive overtime which is awesome.

I also had real pizza today, for the first time in nearly three years. He took me to this place called "Manhattan Pizza" for lunch. I thought it was just going to be another of those fake eastern pizzerias that they try to pass off as authentic. I mean, if you're born and raised in the south and have never been up north, especially the east, then you have no idea what real (made in front of you with gooey cheese and all) pizza is. This place had gooey cheese handmade pizza. It was awesome. I took a picture of it which I'll add in later on. I'm too tired to do it right now.

I also found that Duff energy drink from the Simpsons that I saw on Amazon a while ago. I swear, they sell everything at Microcenter.

Another bit of awesomeness, besides finally buying Epica's Design your Universe Album, which is amazing by the way, a new Evanescence CD is finally coming out this year. I'm interested to hear what Ms. Lee will be bringing to the table this time around. I really hope the album is more symphonic rock since that's likely my favorite type of rock. I've been listening to new female fronted bands for some good symphonic rock. I need some suggestions.

Anyway, I'm tired so um, yeah.

Office hero.

2011-06-16T21:36:00.000-04:00

There was a nasty thunderstorm across Georgia last last night. Fortunately, where I live wasn't hit too hard. The people across the street's mailbox fell over again. Well, I was up a bit late last night doing some caffeine fueled writing. If only I didn't live so far away from this job, I'd be able to get some real sleep, not that it would benefit me all that much.

Anyway, when I arrived in the industrial park, I was shocked to see the ruination of the place. There was branches and leaves everywhere. There was even a tree branch in the middle of the road, dangling dangerously close to the roof of my car. Good reaction time come in handy! Once I went inside the office, I was met with an even larger surprise. The entire network was down. Being the only IT guy there (I always arrive 30-50min before my supervisor), I was both nervous and excited.

The staff was just sitting there talking since they couldn't do anything. So I get a call from my supervisor about twenty minutes later. He gives me awesome news, I'm going to the server cage to troubleshoot the network. After receiving the keys from a worker, I went to the server room and stood before the hundreds of humming PC's. There was a smile on my face, and something else filled me. Importance.

With my supervisor on the phone, I troubleshooted the servers and was able to get the Internet back online. There were still a few services down, which wouldn't be fixed until the end of the day. Once I returned to the office, I broke the news that the Internet was restored: Web browser, email, printing and faxing. I received a bunch of smiles and nods. It felt good.

Once my supervisor arrived, we went to troubleshoot the downed server. Turns out the power supplies were fried. He order replacements which arrived at the end of the day. I stayed after to watch him install them, and take notes. His supervisor actually granted me overtime! We're getting along great, and I take this as a good sign that maybe my chances of this job becoming permanent have just improved. My supervisor and I have so much in common. We both love Science fiction, comics, video games, similar types of music and of course technology.

Well, I'm going to try to get some writing in before I fall asleep. I might wait until Swamp People is over, or just try to write while watching. I wish I had an energy drink. :(

A major test is coming at my job.

2011-06-13T22:19:00.000-04:00

Today, my supervisor informed me that he's going to be out tomorrow. He has to go to the doctor and run some tests. The important part is that I'll be the only IT person in the office! Unlike when I was a student worker, this is a more intimate affair, and yet a grander scale.

What puts so much pressure on me is that, tomorrow is my first major test in this job. Being that I'm still a temporary worker, if I do well tomorrow, it could have a strong bearing on the final decision on whether to keep me on full time. There's so much to learn, and I'm doing my best to shadow my supervisor and learn Office 2010 since that's a major part of the new system roll out. Each new PC also includes Windows 7 but that's simple, Office is taking me some time to learn each program so I can offer assistance. I've made a 46 page tutorial reference sheet. My supervisor loved it, said I went above and beyond. Of course, that's not practical for employees, it'll be for personal use.

I'm nervous and I know everyone in the office doesn't have complete faith in me. It's understandable being the Temporary Worker title is looming over my head like a Sim's Plumbob. I'll just go at it like I have since starting this job: doing my best. I have to be there earlier than normal, not fun being I live an hour away. My clothes are ironed and lunch is already made. I'm going to do well tomorrow.

As for my writing, I've finally gone back to Falling for Summer. Chapter 55 isn't clicking for me. It needs another revision, the characters feel flat. I'm too hard on myself, but it makes me a better writer.

Regarding Bloody Kisses, I've been pouring so much into that story and the results are amazing. I hate that no one can see the progress I've made. The Bloody Kisses universe is so awesome now, I've throw in so many little touches to really make their world alive. The story is definitely more fucked up than the previous version, but it's more of a natural evolution of their world, not just in your face shock value. Maybe I can create a new one shot with the new universe for my Fictionpress fans. I really want some feedback, ugh.

Well, that's all for now. I must think good thoughts for tomorrow.

Hereafter

2011-06-01T22:12:00.000-04:00

As the work day drew to a close, I was talking with my supervisor about random things. Somehow we got to talking about goals and dreams, and he admitted that he wanted to become a conglomerate of art (music, movies, books) and either sell or produce them. He's always talked about his passion for drawing and sometimes music. Then he asked me what was my passion, what was my end goal.

This wasn't the first time I've been asked that question, and anyone that's read this blog knows what my passion is. And yet, whenever I'm faced with the question to another person, my mind just blanks and suddenly the thought of being a published writer sounds so lame. Does that mean I'm ashamed of what I do, on some levels, yes. It's no secret how conflicted I've been about my writing, but as I've grown older, I've come to accept many of the 'isms' with my craft.

Seeing a novel with my name (or pen name) on the front is my dream. I don't want to self publish, but for many of us, that's the only way it'll ever happen. I'll probably never become popular or even sell a dozen copies, but it's just the accomplishment that will immortalize me. It's like winning Nanowrimo but on the absolute echelon of victory.

I don't know, I have to be more confident as a writer. If I ever want people to give a shit about my writing, I have to give them a reason to. As it stands, no one outside of Fictionpress knows I exist, or even gives a damn about me. I have to take a more aggressive approach at marketing myself. That's not easy for an introvert. If only I could fast forward five years with a published book. Then again, there's no guarantee that would even happen. I have to work at that too.

Falling for Summer is worrying me. All my major stories are tooooo long. It would take a hell of a lot for a first time author to get a 240k (and climbing) novel published. There's just too much valuable shelf space at stake for that gamble. That of course, is a major benefit of digital formats. But, I still want to see myself in print dammit! Actually Falling for Summer is considerably smaller than Tainted Butterfly which is currently 375K, which is over 760 pages in MS Word. The Bloody Kisses rewrite is sitting at around 200 pages. Aphrodite Academy is currently 243 pages. I guess that means I write too much. :(

I've also been tossing around the idea of writing a Children's book. It's a safer bet and isn't nearly as complicated as any of my current works.

Well, I need to work on Falling for Summer while I still have some energy left in me.

Lunchtime thoughts.

2011-05-31T18:43:00.000-04:00

This was just something that I jotted down on my phone during my lunch break.

I was inspired by a few common themes I'd brain analysis, specifically, the mind if a serial killer. This can be extremely beneficial in explaining Alyria, Sophette and Abryth as they all have similar wave lengths.

Its interesting to see just how well this fits into the overarching story and I know it's going to require a lot if specific detail regarding brain scans. It will make for more realistic and somewhat sympathetic characters. Hopefully I'll be able to explain Janice's condition without it sounding ridiculous.

My take on vampires may seem too tame on the surface. It's what lies beneath the intricate layers is what creates the lure. To truly understand any of my characters takes much more than am open mind. It requires you to get acquainted with "that place" and accept that despite being characters in a story, they're real.

back to lunch.

Business lunch at Hooters.

2011-05-27T23:37:00.000-04:00

Today ended my first full week at work. The whole "temp to hire" thing is still looming over my head, and as I get more comfortable in this position, it's really going to hurt it this does in fact end up as a temporary position. Even my mom and brother keep asking me if I'm putting in other applications. I swear, no one has faith in me.

So today, my supervisor tells me that they're having a business meeting, and asked if I wanted to come along. I said sure, since we have lunch together just about every day. I was shocked to find out we were going Hooters. Actually, I've never been to a Hooters before today. I've always heard their food sucked, and no one actually went there for the food. I felt so out of place there, I mean it was more awkward than being in a strip club. The girls were dress in such skimpy clothes, and I felt like such a perv, I tried not to stare at our waitress, which just made me look even more awkward. Ugh, I'm not good in these situations, and to think I write about these things

It was still a great lunch, the food actually wasn't that bad. I had a speedway sandwich, I think that's what it was called, really spicy. The guy next to me had some wings, and man those things are oily! They weren't good at all, just oily with a ton of bland spices. Maybe they didn't change the oil in the deep fryer or whatever they use, or that's just how they're supposed to taste. Either way, their wings sucked, as I've been told by practically everyone. So I wasn't disappointed, I knew going in the appeal of Hooters isn't the food, obviously. That didn't stop the writer in me from mapping out scenarios for characters. I kept seeing the main character of Session 002 as one of the waitresses. It would actually make sense in the story but I don't know if i even want to bother.

Speaking of writing, I've barely written a sentence all week. This job is exhausting the hell out of me. As soon as I get home, I'm so tired I end up falling asleep. Thankfully the weekend is here so I can finally get in some quality writing. Though, I'm still pretty tired as I write this. Even with an energy drink, sleep is winning. Hopefully I can start revising this Bloody Kisses scene before I go under.

Two more former classmates just got engaged, I feel so alone. I want to meet the girl of my dreams, if only I were an overconfident douche bag, I'd have my pick of the hot girls. :(

First day at work was awesome.

2011-05-21T23:49:00.000-04:00

I started my new job yesterday and I really enjoyed it, to say the least. I left the house a little before 7:00am since I had to be there at 8:30. I stopped at McDonalds since there wasn't really anything of substance at the house. I can't wait until I get my first paycheck so I can get things in order. As for breakfast, I'm going to stay light, and get a huge box of Maple brown sugar oat meal. A bowl usually lasts me about 3-4 hours. That should be plenty until lunch. Another worry was quickly squashed when I was the huge break room, complete with three microwaves and two vending machines where everything is .50!

So once I arrived, one of the workers led me to my desk, yes I actually have a desk with my own phone. I did notice something odd, there was a monitor, keyboard, mouse and phone. The computer was missing. So I sat at my desk, it sounds so cool saying that, and waited for my supervisor to arrive. About five minutes later he walked in and we went to his desk, which was right beside mine. He opened a cabinet and started taking out brand new computer parts, and told me that I was going to built my computer! Nerdgasm.

What made it even more awesome was that those weren't cheap generic parts, there was some heavy duty (over kill) equipment in there. The power supply alone was overkill for the machine. Who was I to complain when I was given free reign to build my workstation. Next to my desk was a stack of ten computer cases, I'm going to be building all the new machines in the office during the upgrade. Even better, we're using Windows 7 and Office 2010, though I'm still using Office 2007 at home and really don't see much of an improvement over Office 2003. Then again, the only program I really use is Word for obvious reasons.

Unfortunately, I can't say much about my job since I had to sign a non disclosure agreement. That in itself makes the job sound 10x more awesome. There was a company barbecue yesterday, it wasn't anything spectacular but did save me the trouble of finding lunch, especially since I don't know that area at all. I'm definitely going to bring my lunch as much as I can.

Oh, I have to talk about another amazing feature of this job! It's literally ten minutes away from Microcenter! Which also means this job is less than 30min from Devry. So I can go to Microcenter on my lunch break if I want. That store and Frys are so much better than Best Buy for computer equipment. The main difference is that Microcenter and Frys are for tech experts and Best Buy is for the general populous. Plus they're both as cheap as Newegg, sometimes cheaper.

The one major downside to this job is that it's temp to hire. My supervisor was adamant that he wants this to become a full time position because he needs the help. I really want this to become a permanent position too. I love this job, and I've only been there one day. I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and pay my bills and save money. While I have guaranteed income for two months, I have to work my ass off and make a damn good impression to hopefully show that I'm worth the investment and my position should be permanent.

I play on sending my dad a birthday card and Father's day card next month, with $50 each. I wasn't able to get him anything last year due to being severely "under funded". I'm super grateful for this opportunity and can't wait till Monday. I'm totally finishing building her computer, since I finally can after freaking forever and a day. It's just so cool Microcenter is down the road from my job. Unfortunately, I started on the last day of the current pay period, so my first check will only be for one day. Looking forward, this job is going to cost me two trips to the gas station per week. As long as I can dump lots of money into my savings account I'll be fine.

I guess I should talk about writing since I'm here.

I did some more work in Bloody Kisses, I finished a troublesome scene with Janice and Sophette. It took longer than I wanted. Then again, Falling for Summer is just shut down at the moment. I need Summer to talk to me and stop going in circles. Well, we'll see how this goes. Anyway, cya later.

I real have a job!

2011-05-17T18:28:00.002-04:00

I received that magical call from the chemical plant that I interviewed with last week. The IT director said he would make his decision yesterday, so I waited all day (against my better judgement) and there was no call. I immediately felt depressed and defeated. I had that glimmer of hope that maybe he still hadn't made up his mind, even though he was constantly hinting that I pretty much had the job. Then again, nearly every interview so far had that vibe. Today, I pulled myself out of bed, ready to get back on that horse and aimlessly apply to all tech jobs. Then, my phone rang, and I remembered his number.

I was offered the position and I tried not to sound too excited or desperate. It's not as much as I had hoped, but it's a steady paycheck and I'm super grateful. The job is conditional though, it's two month temp-to-hire. I will work my ass off to secure this job on a permanent basis. My goal with this job, beside getting caught up on all my bills, is to have $500 minimum in my savings account before the two months are up. I wholly intend to make this a permanent job, which he also said there's a definite chance of that happening.

I do need to brush up on a few topics that I'm not totally comfortable with, just the CRM packages that the company installs on new computers which I'll be in charge of. I'll do my research and go in firing on all cylinders. The job starts Friday, and I still have that contract work this weekend. He said he'll gladly work with me on that, which I also appreciate.

Now I can keep Netflix! Yey! It's like I can finally breathe now, after so many failures, I finally have a steady paycheck coming in. I've also decided that I want to bring my own lunch as much as I can. Not just to save money, but to get me toward independence. Being that I haven't been to the gym in a while due to conserving gas and such, I definitely will return once I have my finances in control and can afford the gas. My plan for lunch is to bring healthy foods such as chicken salad sandwiches or club sandwiches, along with some form of juice or flavored water. It's so hard to find flavored Aquafina in packs around here. I miss those from the hospital.

I know that IT workers are notoriously unhealthy and I'm really trying to avoid falling into that pit. I'm going to be hitting the gym hard, and bring a healthy lunch will definitely help. I'm going to prepay as many bills as I can such as my cell phone and car insurance, oh and Netflix definitely. One of the first things I'm going to buy is Norton 360 5.0 for my computers. To hell with this free shit, it's not worth my time to babysit and upkeep.

I'm so thankful for this job and super happy. I can even finally buy that fancy frame for my college diploma which JUST arrive last week! Yes the damn thing just got here after being graduated for so long. Even that can't bring me down, I'm so excited. I'll have to buy some more khakis and polo shirts once I get my first paycheck. I have my first real post college IT job, woo hoo!

Finished the afterword for Tainted Butterfly.

2011-05-15T20:51:00.001-04:00

It's taken some months, but I've finally finished the afterword of Tainted Butterfly. It's incredibly powerful, and I can say that this is the absolute ending of the story. It's pretty cool to actually have a definite ending to one of my novels. I just need to fill in the gap between that point, and begin the final draft.

My contract work was cancelled for the weekend so I had lots of time to do much of nothing. I really want to get back to the gym, it's just I can't afford it right now. Actually, my membership is paid up until next month, it's the gas that's killing me. Like everything in this town, the gym is nearly a half hour drive each way. It almost feels like a blessing in disguise since that job is an hour away.

Speaking of jobs, I had an interview last week for a chemical company. They need an IT person for a two month temporary to hire position. I've been through so many of these interviews that it's hard to get hyped up anymore. Still, there's that part of me that gets to antsy about actually having a full time job. The guy will make his decision tomorrow, so I'll find out. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I really love that show "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" on the Food Network. They've come to Georgia a few times, and I definitely want to try some of those places once I have a job.

I need to catch up on other stories. It looks like they're finally upgrading Fictionpress! It seems they upgrade the site once every 3-5 years, or whenever they remember it exists. Seems like Fanfiction will always be the top priority. They suck.

Anyway, that's all for now. People have graduated this week.

Finally have a job...sort of.

2011-05-10T22:50:00.000-04:00

I was offered work by a contracting agency for a few PC moving jobs. It's basically contracting out people for whatever IT needs they have. While this isn't permanent work, it's still a paycheck and I'm in no position to turn down honest money. I have eight dates to work this month, so it'll help me out. In the mean time, I'm still looking for a full time job. Tomorrow is my first day, I'm so excited to finally go to work for the first time since October.

I really want to buy an Intel dual core processor, so I can finish work on that computer I started. I only need the processor, RAM, video card and two 500GB hard drives for a RAID. First comes bills, and if there's actually anything left (holds breath) I can continue working on that computer I promised someone I'd finish so long ago. I doubt she even wants it anymore, but I made a promise and I'm going to keep it it if takes me 10 years.

Random thought: Kroger brand orange soda tastes like rust.

In regards to the Bloody Kisses rewrite, I've finished a second edit of a particularly difficult scene where Janice takes center stage. What makes this scene so difficult is the range of emotions she has to pull off in such a short time. With each revision, I get a little closer to how it should be. At the same time, I can't spend too much time on this one scene or else the story will become stalled, and no one wants that.

In regards to Falling for Summer, I still haven't picked up where I left off. The past two weeks have been hectic with me trying to find work. Strangely, this new contract job took the least effort. Anyway, I have so many ideas for what's going to happen, I just have to get past this one part. Abby is definitely going to spend some time with Sheryl, she's one of the characters I've been curious about, and I'm sure others have too. Sheryl's similar to Summer in that they're both blonde and busty county girls, but that's where the similarities end. It interests me about how Tiffany said Sheryl changed when they started dating. I want to know more about that, and I shall find out.

I wish it weren't so hot, southern weather is terrible. It was 85 today and felt like 95 because my room is upstairs and one wall is literally a windows facing the sun. Someday I'll be able to move out and have my own place....someday.

New lesbian anthologies!

2011-05-03T22:53:00.000-04:00

Not from me, there's just available for writers to submit to. I often check the Erotica Readers and Writer's association's submission page. I recently submitted to one of their lesbian anthologies. I'm so proud of myself. Three more anthologies have opened up:

Curvy Girls, which obviously focus of curvaceous women of all varieties.(deadline June 1, 2011)
Dormitory Heat, which is lesbian based and focuses on college girl erotica. (deadline July 1, 2011)
Locker Room, which is also lesbian based and focused on sex in locker rooms between athletic types. (deadline July 15, 2011)

I'm strongly considering using Olivia for my Curvy Girls submission as she is cute and cuddly. Even though that's not a primarily lesbian anthology, they said it's allowed. As for the other two, they would have to be original characters.

I like anthologies because it's an easier chance to get published, and you're also among literary greats in your genre. Even if most of us are still amateurs, it still feels like you're a part of something special. I'd like for Olivia to get her time in the sun, if she doesn't blush too much.

In regards to Falling for Summer, I'm still moving at a snail's pace in this new chapter. It's getting too deep and Summer's pouring out some crazy emotion right now. Abby is starting to contract the bug and now she's just as talkative. The problem is, I have to find the right way to transition what I'm seeing in my head onto digital paper. I've been through so many rewrites already, the chapters is a huge mess of white space and highlighted text. This is definitely going to be one of those chapters.

I often talk about how as a writer, the most amazing thing is when characters take hold of their destinies and shape a story on their own. At times, I feel like I'm in the back seat which Abby and Summer and just guiding me through their journey. The subject matter in this chapter is going to really hit some readers, and finally show the piece of Summer that people have been clamoring for. If I can write this out, you're definitely going have a new respect for Summer Abby, and have a firm understanding on the basis of her ideals. I'm really proud of that, now I just have to write it.

Thinking back to the Curvy Girls anthology, it's no secret that I have an infatuation with curvy (mainly chubby) girls, and they tend to pop up in my writing. The problem of creating new characters specifically for one story is they seldom accept that. It's like giving birth to a kid that you only want to keep for a tax return. Once you get the check you can't just send the kid back because the kid wants to stay and mature. Okay, that was a fucked up example, but you get the idea. I do have a partially finished prequel story of Olivia, right after graduating law school and ordering a redheaded prostitute. It's a big long winded for an erotica submission, another of my faults with erotica. I draw things out, and maybe people get bored, maybe they don't. Whatever the case, I have till June 1!

Oh and AT&T are a bunch of dicks for capping their internet service. On the surface 150 gigabytes a month sounds like more than enough, until you take into the fact most people do heavy media streaming. I'm talking about Youtube, Netflix, Pandora, Rhapsody, Xbox Live/PSN and so on. At least I'm grandfather into "unlimited" on my iPhone, even though that's really a 5GB ceiling which I've never even came near.

Anyway, that's all for me.

Made my splash page for Aphroditeacademy.com

2011-05-02T15:46:00.000-04:00

Nothing really to update. I just finished making a starter page for Aphrodite Academy. I'm a little worried that someone might try to steal that idea from under me, so I had registered the domain last year. I was checking on it today, and realize I never verified it, so I took care of that and made a splash page so I don't get accused of cyber squatting, in case someone happens to have their own Aphrodite Academy vision (in whatever form) and also wants to make a website. I did it first, and made sure to link to my Fictionpress stories which are dated from 2007 as proof.

I may post an actual update later, if anything happens. I left early this morning to mail off my PSP which I sadly sold on eBay, and spent a few hours at Best Buy just because I didn't want to come back home. It's so depressing here. Anyway, here's a link to the page if anyone's interested. There's nothing there, it's just a splash screen talking about the novel.

http://www.aphroditeacademy.com/

Another job passes me by.

2011-04-29T22:55:00.000-04:00

Well, I waited all day for that magical call, and it never came. I can't say there wasn't a little part of me that anticipated this. I was really envisioning myself having this job, and I gave my absolute best at both interviews, and apparently it still wasn't enough.

What really hurt was my mother constantly calling me to ask "if anything happened". It's so damn discouraging knowing she's only calling to hear news. If I get the job she'll brag to everyone that I'm working, if I don't get a job, then she continues her condescending disappointment. My brother also asked me about the job and I told him I was still waiting on a response. As time passed, I felt the shame of failure once more and all the super confidence and positivity I was riding on slowly deflated.

It's not fair, no matter how hard I try, this keeps happening. Why can't I just get a fucking job, is that really so much to ask for? I have student loans that I have to start repaying next month, and I just sold my PSP, 2 PSOne games and my Tenchi Muyo! Ultimate Edition DVD's just to pay my car insurance and my Dell bill. This really sucks, but all I can do is just try harder. I've already put in a new application for a PC technician job in a warehouse it only pays nine dollars an hour, but I really don't care anymore. I just need money, and I'm tired of this bullshit. What the hell are these employers looking for, and why don't I have it? I'm tired of all these "great" interviews and then nothing.

I needed to vent. Anyway, I uploaded chapter 54 of Falling for Summer today (finally). I also just finished the first page of chapter 55. It already looks like this is going to be a very dark chapter for Summer. Her insecurities are creeping out again, and I'm interested to see how Abby handles herself this time around.

I need to work on Bloody Kisses, both sections of the story are kind of sitting there. I've made some small fixes, but nothing to more the story forward. It's hard to work on so many stories at once without getting dizzy. I can't even write Aphrodite Academy, the characters aren't talking to I'll put that down for now.

Sounds of Love is another story that desperately needs my attention. Poor Marissa and Sumi have been waiting so patiently while I tend to so much else. That's such a relaxing story, yet one of the hardest to write, mainly because how perfect world it is. I have to step back from my usual style in order to portray this almost stylistic love that you rarely see outside of black and white movies.

Tainted Butterfly wants to be finished, I just don't want to edit that beast. I'm still trying to write the ending scene, while resisting the urge to incorporate my evolving understanding of transsexuals into Mia's world. If I keep pouring in every little detail, it gets overwhelming. I think I've found a good enough balance that people can appreciate. I just need to write it without stressing to all hell.

I still haven't come up with a new pen name. Knightmare Elite sounds so childish. I haven't heard anything from that lesbian erotica anthology I submitted to. Since the deadline was the start of this month, I'm guessing they won't finish going through all the submissions for another month or two. This keyboard is seriously getting on my nerves. I can't afford to replace it and it's slowly getting worse. Ugh, why isn't anything going right for me?

Finished chapter 54 of Falling for Summer Yey!

2011-04-26T21:47:00.001-04:00

Clocking in at 13 pages, chapter 54 of Falling for Summer is finally finished.

What amazes me about this chapter is how it sets the tone for how the story will end. Yes, I actually mentioned an ENDING to this epically long story. The chapter is both light hearted, with a healthy dose of Summer being Summer, and some tender topics which I won't spoil. There's also another character profile in this chapter that I never saw coming.

It's really have to talk about without ruining the surprise. But I can say that in the coming chapters, readers will get to see more of Summer's community as her tale winds down. There are some surprises in store as well as a few nods to my other stories that most people might not even notice. I'm just proud of the character depth in this chapter, if I can pull it off correctly. Even though the chapter is "finished", I'm going to touch up scenes which I feel can be stronger, and might even cut a certain scene depending on how it meshes with the overall flow. Expect to see the chapter up within the week guaranteed.

In other news, I'm awaiting a decision from the hiring manager on whether or now I'll be offered a job. I'm been keeping a positive demeanor and envisioning myself having the job. I'm feeling really good about this, and I won't stress myself.

As of late I've really been digging Iwrestledabearonce's EP. Every time I listen to Pandora, I hear one of the songs and always check to see which album, and it's the damn EP. I need to buy that EP, it's awesome. Speaking of albums I need to buy, Otep's new album came out today. That's also something that I need, but I must be responsible and they'll have to wait until I have steady employment. For now, any money that I have is strictly regulated to gas, bills and my gym membership. It also sucks that PSN is down. :(

Got the call-back interview!

2011-04-22T23:30:00.000-04:00

After finishing the last of my three interviews this week yesterday, I was looking hopeful that one of these will finally lead to prosperity. Like I've said many times before, not having a job for so long gives you a lot of time to reflect on what was. I can't say that even getting a job now, I would do things totally different. But, I can say that it will be better.

Amazingly, I got a call today from the awesome job that I interviewed for on Monday. They want me to come in this Monday for a second interview, they're down to five people. It's with the company manager and I have to blow this one out of the park. This weekend I'm going to study Active Directory, as well as user accounts. I was asked about that on my initial interview, and admitted that I was a bit of a novice when it came to Windows 7 domains. I won't make the same mistake twice. I'm also going over Outlook since they might ask about that. Can't be too careful!

I'm so excited, this might actually lead to a job. No, I have to think positive, I can see myself getting this job. I seriously needed this boost today. I've been trickling out chapter 54 of Falling for Summer. I'm on the middle of the ninth page, and I feel like I have about three more pages left. Abby's like a child, so easily distracted and forcing me to bring the readers along with her newest endeavor.

I try not to repeat scenes in my writing, and I have to be especially careful in this story. Once any of my stories get long, that tends to happen. Well, as Writer's Digest has taught me, that happens to every writer at some point. I'm always trying to find new ways to present ideas and situations with my characters that are refreshing, and make people go 'That's cool'. I also love when something I write really affects people. Falling for Summer has done that, and I want it to have a lasting impression.

Even though I'm still an amateur status writer, I feel like I've captured my audience in ways that some professional writers have. If only I were more disciplined, I'd be able to get these chapters out faster. I know not every writer can churn out chapters like a copying machine, we all work at our own pace. I just wish mine were faster.

Oh, and I think this keyboard is wearing down. They keys definitely aren't as springy as when I first bought it, but that's to be expected. Actually, some of the keys stick. Either my typing speed has grown exponentially, or I just write too damn much. I really like this keyboard, but these sticking keys are getting on my nerves, they actually slow me down and cause me to mess up. I wonder if there's something to fix that. I already tried compressed air, and it did nothing. Oh well, I'm just happy I have something to look forward to on Monday.

Borders interview.

2011-04-19T20:46:00.000-04:00

Today was my second of three interviews for the week, and this one was at Borders. As a writer, I love to read, even if I don't do it nearly as much as I should. I always had this predefined image of people who work in book stores. They're this slightly arrogant grammar geeks who know the life story of any book they walk past. I guess that was from my similar view of vintage record store clerks.

Of course, during the interview, I learned two things. One, Borders is a business just like every other big box store. Second, I'm not cut out to be a salesman. My meeting with the sales manager all but confirmed that. I had two interviews, the first was with one of the store managers. She was a nice woman, and we got along great. I brought up my time working at the library in New Jersey as part of the legendary 'Read Team', ugh that sounds super lame.

What I noticed was how easy it was to talk to her, and that kind of bugged me. I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but with my pathetic social skills, I did my best to keep the conversations going, and she seemed genuinely interested in everything I had to say. Being my background is heavily technology based, I had to play on my limited library experience, and incorporate that with the modern book store system. It actually worked, and she steered the conversation toward technology, asking what I thought about e-readers. Especially my opinion on the iPad vs just about every ebook reader. I explained how the iPad isn't primarily an ebook reader, that's just one of the functions, and it's not even that good at it, especially in direct sunlight.

It was funny when she asked if I know any of the e-readers they sold on their site. I admitted they had a lot of low end ones that I've never heard of. I mean, if you want to sell, your only choices are the big names which people instantly recognize which are iPad unfortunately, or the Kindle. She them mentioned they're getting the Motorola Zoom in pretty soon. Well she called it the Microsoft Zune, which I'm assuming is a common mistake among non tech people. Anyway, the first half of the interview went great. I was super comfortable with her, something that almost never happens with me.

Afterward, she said that the sales manager was coming in to interview me. That's when things took a rapid nose dive. Unlike the bubbly manager before, he was a straight shooter with really blue eyes. He pretty much turned this into another Best Buy sales position. He wanted to know if I was able to get people to buy buy buy, and buy some more. He was also adamant about pushing their Borders Rewards Plus membership. That really sucked the enjoyment out of the job. I understand that they're a business in the business to make money, like everyone else. But, I wanted to be in that atmosphere where I could have access to all the literary tools I'd ever nee, and learn about new authors I could follow.

I even asked about the 'Staff Picks' and she had told me admittedly, only a few people actually contribute. That's why you commonly see Twilight and Harry Potter on the list, as well as well known books. I was saying that it would be more helpful to have unknown books that staff fell in love with. She agreed, but went back to saying only a few actually bother. After my second half with the sales manager, she came back and said they'll give me a call after going through the other applicants. I'm not sure if I'm get 'the call', but I'm not too worried. I'm more focused on getting the job I interviewed for yesterday, that's like my dream job--besides being a professional writer.

I should work on some Fictionpress stuff.

A frantic week approaches.

2011-04-17T19:46:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here nervous as all hell. Tomorrow is my first of three job interviews and I have a billion and one worries going through my head. At the same time, I constantly imagining myself getting the job and having that thing called money once again. I feel like I'm in shackles, and tied to a post outside of a store that sells everything, including freedom.

Being unemployed has given me such an appreciation for working, even though I don't like to work, unless it's a job that I actually enjoy. My last job as a Student IT worker was the only job I ever loved, it never felt like work, but it also paid shit. The strange thing was that, even though I had a steady paycheck, I still didn't have money. How does that even make sense? It's like once you don't have money, you suddenly become the greatest financial adviser on the planet. I think back to my late teens - early twenties, and as the saying goes If I knew half of what I know then... But I guess that's why they call them life experiences.

I'm going into this interview with a positive mindset. It's about an hour away from where I live, and is 8:30 in the morning, which means I have to leave about 6:30 to beat traffic. That sucks, but I'm in no position to complain here, I'm getting an opportunity to 'sell myself'. I won't think about the other companies that I've applied for and have been total dicks, this is a new week, and I know what I'm capable of, and that's exactly what the job descriptions asks for. I just have to remember to be confident and smile. Regardless of how skilled you are, they want someone with a shred of personality. I can do this.

To speak of writing for a little while. I've found the song which just encompasses Bloody Kisses for me. Actually, its the theme of a wrestler. As I'm an avid pro wrestling fan, I heard this theme last week for one of the female wrestlers, Winter.

Some people might agree, but that song speaks volumes about the characters and universe which the story takes place.

In regards to Falling for Summer, I'm about 70% through chapter 54. Summer and Abby just left the vet. I'm reintroducing two characters in this chapter that I'm not really behind. Not that I have anything against them, it's just their last appearance was how you say, drama filled.

Hopefully that chapter will be up this week. I'm also declaring that Falling for Summer will not pass Chapter 70. I'm hoping the story doesn't even get that long, but it's time that I start looking toward the end, many people have been asking me if this story is even supposed to end. Yes, it will end, I have to find the right balance in order to conclude the story. I'm also working on Tainted Butterfly and Aphrodite Academy, oh and the Bloody Kisses rewrite.

Okay, that's all I have to say.

Three interviews and a car wash.

2011-04-14T22:14:00.000-04:00

First, I want to say Thank You to whoever commented on my last entry. It really meant a lot to me, and put a much needed smile on my face. I know that things aren't going exactly well for me, and I do my best to make things 'pleasant'. As a writer, that comment also made me smile. Like I've said many times, I write pretty unconventional stuff for a guy, and the fact that over the years, lots of women have actually said my writing has helped them, really makes me want to try harder.

Ever since South of Nowhere was cancelled, I had this dream of creating a replacement show. I often doubted my ability to create something on that level, but as time passed, I thought to myself, hell of Stephanie Meyer and Snookie can get on the New York Times list... Of course, I'm not a screenwriter, nor do I know anything about TV production. Though, Falling for Summer, could be a nice fit for a one season teen drama. I don't think it would work on Teen Nick, I'd have to water the story down a bit, mainly the language and cripple the virginity/sex subplot.

Stranger things have happened, and who knows, maybe someday Falling for Summer, or some other story written by me might end up as a TV show or a movie. I'd rather an indie film because those are more personal, kind of like authors doing readings at bookstores. I'm really annoyed at this Fictionpress formatting crap, they better get off their asses and fix it!

On to other things. I went to a career fair on Tuesday and it was super noisy in there. I really know how one of my Sims feels. When she's in a crowd, she gets nervous and you see a Too many people moodlet. I hate career fairs, you only get 1-3 minutes to sell yourself when you make your way down the line, and hand off a resume. I did my best, and unfortunately, most companies were looking for sales and management positions, neither of which are my major. After two hours, of 'selling myself' and checking out some hot women, I called it a day. On a side note, there's something undeniably sexy about a woman in a business suit. Maybe, it's from my obsession with Olivia Dunham from Fringe.

So when I get home, I start working on chapter 54 of Falling for Summer, and I felt down. After a while I started getting sleepy and decided to play Blue Dragon for a while. Within an hour I received three job interviews for next week: Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. And yes, one of them was from Borders. The other two are IT jobs, one with full health insurance. They're in Atlanta, so it shouldn't be far, but the interviews are over an hour away. I'm so glad I have a TomTom or I'd never be able to find Suwanee or Kennessaw.

Being that I have these interviews next week, my mom helped me out with gas. I was able to full of my tank for the first time in about two months. While looking at that meter, I was starting to wonder whether my gas tank got bigger or if there was a hole because it didn't look like the pump was going to stop. I manually stopped the pump at $54! I'm assuming there was about .50 worth of gas left, but I was too paranoid. Being I had a little left over, I went ahead and put up my gym membership for the month, and got a car wash. My car really needed it, all this damn pollen. Thankfully I don't have any allergies.

I'm probably going to have to cut the lawn soon ugh. I hope that I can get one of these jobs. I want to have money again, and I can finally keep a promise I made a long time ago and finish that computer.

On an unrelated note, today is my brother's birthday, and since she's in New Jersey, she called up a local radio station to give him a birthday greeting. Two problems.

My mother is in New Jersey
My brother, and myself are in Georgia.

I streamed the station though my phone. She called me extra early, about 6:45 to listen in. I turned on the app and listened, while lying in bed. When they did the birthday greeting, all I heard was a commercial. It seems they don't play that part over the internet stream. My brother was listening and didn't hear it either. It took me about five times to explain this to my mother...

Well, this has gone way too long. Later.

Lowering my target.

2011-04-09T21:50:00.000-04:00

So this morning, my mom calls me and tells me that maybe I should start looking for any job, for the moment. I haven't worked since my Student IT Worker job ended in October, and I've been scraping by ever since. I've managed to pay my bills by selling off my treasured items on eBay, which pains me immensely.

However, it pains me even more than now, even my mom is apparently giving up on the idea that I can get a real job. I mean, if she's telling me to apply to Walmart or fast food, then doesn't that just invalidate my college degree? What's the point of putting myself through all these years of classes, and crazy debt, if I'm going to chase after jobs I could have gotten without ever stepping foot in college?

I guess I shouldn't make it sound so simple as I've had zero luck with getting a job since then. Then a few hours later, my brother came to me with the same suggestion. I know she whispered it in his ear (over the phone) and it makes me feel so damn worthless. Yes, I have bills stacking up, and I'm running low on things to sell on eBay (which I hate to do in the first place), but settling for anything makes me feel no different from the rest of my family that never even went to college. My mom insists that it would be a temporary job, but that's not the point. It's the fact that I'll just be another statistic of having a college degree that is equivalent to a high school diploma.

That being said, I must endlessly think positive. *takes deep breath* I applied for a job at Borders today, as well as multiple positions at Walmart. I feel so pathetic even writing that, but I need money, there's no way around that. Ironically, I was worried about my resume being a hindrance for the Border's position, being it's so tech based, and there isn't much I can tweak for that position. I did my best to focus on my customer service skills, and enjoyment of being around people. That may be a fib... I also had to take one of those thousand questions tests, I hate those things. They just ask the same questions over and over to see if you're lying. Of course, once I finished the first half of the application, I remembered that I worked in a library for three summers as a teen. If I make it to an actual interview, I can bring that up and run with it. I was a part of The Read Team. We even had shirts, one of our jobs was to go to recreations and read to children. That's something I've seen them do at Borders. I can't say I've be very comfortable doing that in a store, it's totally different in a recreation setting where there's little intimidation.

Well, in other news, I finished chapter 53 of Falling for Summer, and am currently working on chapter 54. I tried to update my Fictionpress profile, but the site is all fucked up again. I don't understand why they treat that site like the bastard child while Fanfiction.com get updated like every week. It's so unfair. To those who have been patiently waiting. The next chapter of Falling for Summer will be up next week. Again I ask, am I just talking to myself here?

More Nostalgia

2011-04-05T22:38:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting here, working on Falling for Summer, and trying to find a good version of 'Jolene' to listen to. Then I found this .69 section on iTunes, and one of the songs jarred a memory. It was a preteen me, with my mom and aunt, going to the Homestyle Family Buffet. We usually went once a month for a while, on Fridays. The food wasn't that great, and the chicken was kind of dry, but that's not why the memory sticks to me. It was the experiences with my mother, when she was still independent. Back then, she still drove, and actually commanded a certain level of respect from all her children.

It pains me to look at her present self in comparison. She's old, and acts downright helpless at times. My mom no longer drives, and has severe arthritis from her years of working in a plastic factory, to provide for us. I can think back to so many memories of us going place, but there's one thing that I notice about these memories. They never include my brothers and sisters. Maybe because I was the youngest, or simply because she was so over protective. Nearly all my happy memories with my mother, were when we were alone. She always took me with her, especially when her sister was going somewhere.

I can't really say why that memory suddenly popped into my head, but it made me smile, and feel warm inside. It's not a normal occurrence, and it makes me sad that my mother is no longer like that. Now I'm the one who has to drive her everywhere, and she looks to me to do things. Even though I'm currently unemployed, and all my brothers and sisters are apparently more successful than me, depending on your version of success, I miss that woman. She's currently stuck in New Jersey with my mean ass sister. My mom is now just realizing what pretty much everyone else in the family has known for years, when she stays with my sister, she gets taken advantage of (free cook and baby sitter). It angers me, that she treats our mom that way, and I step back and feel even more conflicted. My mother is so hard on me, she pisses me off, makes me feel so worthless at times, and still, I'm more concerned about what I'm getting her for mother's day than how am I going to pay my phone bill. Sometimes, I just don't understand myself.

Dragon Con and an hour of power

2011-03-30T22:33:00.000-04:00

So I was watching Attack of the Show, and they did a report on a Furry convention here in Georgia. It instantly reminded me to that Furry arch on that old MTV show 'Undressed'. Anyway, I looked into it, and suddenly remembered about Dragon Con. I've had opportunities to attend in the past, but I never did for stupid reasons. I mean, this is my kind of event. It's totally nerdy and a lot celebrities are going to be there, plus Laurell K. Hamilton is scheduled! It would be awesome to see her, nowhere near Sarah Brightman awesome, but it would be up there.

Being that I currently live in Georgia, I don't need to get a hotel which saves a tremendous amount of money. The event costs $60, so I have plenty of time to scrape some money together. It takes place in September, and I have to have a job by then, seriously. That does make me wonder about time off. Eh, I'll worry about that when it comes. This will always allow me to take some pictures, my camera is so underused.

Oh yeah, I dropped off an old monitor and mouse at that church yesterday. I left my info in case they needed any help fixing computers or with any classes. It doesn't pay, but it's a better use of my skills than currently nothing.

Today I devoted an hour to writing to see if I could make a dent in Aphrodite Academy. I wrote 2 1/2 pages. Well, I rewrote a few sections, and stopped to do some quick research. Overall, I'll happy with the progress. It was an emotional chapter that will have a ripple effect throughout the story. While the chapter is finished, the pivotal scene still needs work, it doesn't flow how I want it.

In regards to Bloody Kisses, with the recent developments in the story (Abryth's antagonist transition) I'm finally able to fill in some blanks from later in the story. I basically have the story written in sections. Scenes were stuck so I wrote them down, and I have huge gaps in between the three parts. Slowly, they're filling in and it's really cool. I'm also rounding out Sophette, she's not the emotionally tool from the beginning of this version. After the reimagined scene between her and Elisa at the hospital, Sophette has her humanity back, and it's further expressed in later scenes with Valentina. She's nowhere near as whiny as she was in the original story, though some people like that. It made her seem too wimpy for the type of person (predator) she was. In this version, it goes very deep into why you should feel uncomfortable to be in the same room as Sophette, and that's without knowing she's a vampire. :) You know, all the characters in this story are damaged, read: fucked up, in their own way. That's what makes them so interesting.

In regards to Falling for Summer, new chapter is in progress! I haven't abandoned the story even though the last update was sometime last year. It's coming next month, promise! Seriously, does anyone even read this?

The having no job blues.

2011-03-27T18:45:00.000-04:00

So it's been five months since I lost my job as a student IT worker. I knew from the beginning it was condition on that, I remain a full time student, and I was still attending college. Being that I am now neither of those, I can never get that job back. The money sucked, but it was one of the greatest jobs I ever had. I loved every minute of it, and I still had money.

In these five months, I've send out countless applications, went on dozens of interviews and it has all amounted to nothing. I don't even know how I'm surviving (financially) I've been reduced to selling many of my cherished video games, and anime on eBay, just to make bills. I don't want to ask my mom for money because it makes me feel like a freeloader. Of course, I already get that enough from my brother, whose house I'm living in. He makes it look like I'm making no effort to find a job, and just keeps this feeling of dread over my head.

I hate it here so much, but where can I go? I don't have the money to go anywhere, I'm just scraping change together just to buy gas so I can go to the gym. Yes, I still have my gym membership, that's the only 'luxury' that I refuse to give up. I can work out at home, but I like the atmosphere, and it gives me a reason to be out of the house, besides, I don't want to end up fat and out of shape like my brothers, if I can help it. It's so hard to smile, and I've been forcing them on all these damn interviews. I wish I weren't in this house, or in this family. It wouldn't make things better, but they couldn't get any worse.

There are so many things that I want to do in my life, and it doesn't feel like any of them are attainable. I have simple wishes, I want a full sized mattress! As pathetic as that sounds, I want a full sized bed, I've never owned a bed larger than a twin. So many people take their huge beds for granted, and it's just one of the little things that I want out of life. I want to eat whatever the hell I want without an asshole saying he doesn't want it in his house. My car is slowly dying and I know it only has 2-3 years left in it at this rate. Everything costs money, and all I want is a fucking job so I can get some. I hate being depressed, the more I think about it, the worse it gets. I'm going to be 30 this year, another point of depression. At 30 most people are married, in their own house with a kid or three. Not me, I'm 29, unemployed, sleeping in a twin bed and being reminded every day how little impact I have on the world as a whole.

Everyone seems to have a better life than me. At least everyone else has money to buy even basic things, and doesn't have to part with the things that were once important to them just to pay one bill. I'll shut up now as this is yet another post of me complaining about irrelevant matters. I wrote this weekend but I don't feel like talking about it, what's the point.

Volunteering

2011-03-22T23:33:00.000-04:00

So today, I was looking through Craigslist for some local computer work, when I across a church that was advertising. They're basically refurbishing old machines, and installing open source software and redistributing them to needy families. They asking for donations of PC's as well as peripherals. They also teach instructional classes.

I was thinking about seeing if I could volunteer to help with refurbishing some of the machines, and I had some stuff I want to get rid of anyway. Even though it's obviously non paying work, it would be something to do on the weekends since I seem to be unhireable for some reason. Volunteering would also look great on my resume, I just hope that church doesn't expect me to join. I'm already a member of a different church, and I have no intention of switching. Still, this could be a good opportunity for me. I'll definitely look into it.

Printed out my erotica submission today.

2011-03-11T22:58:00.000-05:00

So I did one last edit of the lesbian erotica I'm submitting to the 2012 lesbian erotica anthology. I NEVER print out my writing, due to my fear of finding a mistake the moment I look at the printed page. At the same time, it's a rewarding feeling, holding a stack of pages that contains a story that I created.

Before printing my story, Plantains, was nine pages long. Then, I realized the guidelines wanted it double spaced, I never write double spaced, for me, it feels lazy, like you're trying to intentionally boost your page count, and I just hate how it looks. So much white space make disgusts me. Unfortunately, I had to double space my story, which blew it up to 19 pages! The poor printer, and to make matter worse, she asked for two hard copies of each submission! That was thirty eight pages I had to print, plus a cover page with a little bio.

The bio was awkward because of the obvious reason of my being male. I'm going to rewrite the bio since what I currently have makes me sound too needy, and I shouldn't put any emphasis on my being male. If J.K. Rowling didn't tell immediately put she was female on her submission, then it's not mandated that I do. Besides, this anthology isn't exclusive to women like the other, which is unfair. I mean, most M/M fiction is written by women, and you don't see publishers turning female authors away, but with F/F fiction, it's a double standard.

I can't believe I have that We R Who We R, Ke$ha song stuck in my head. It's so damn catchy, despite her questionable "talent", I like it. I blame KTU for playing it endlessly, I guess that why I have some Katy Perry songs on my writing playlists.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I printed out my double spaced erotica, and it feels good to see myself in print, even if it's only on a very personal level. If Plantains gets picked for that anthology, I'd seriously drink to that. I'd get a Mike Harder lemonade...yes, I'm a light weight when it comes to alcohol. But as a writer, any step toward publication, no matter how small, is a huge success.

In regards to Falling for Summer, I haven't updated that story since December, and I just looked at my story stats on Fictionpress, and that story is still a few shy of 600 hits for the month. That's crazy, people really love that story, I only wish it could get that kind of support of it weren't freely available online. I always wonder, if Fictionpress charged readers $10, to subscribe to an author and have unlimited access to their work, would they do it? Not that I want them to charge because that would demotivate many readers, and some writers because people go to sites like Fictionpress because you can read some amazing stories absolutely free.

I'm still working on the latest chapter of Falling for Summer, okay that's a lie, I haven't touched the chapter since I wrote the first page, but I'm opening it up right now! I'm so amazed people are so behind this story, and I get nice reviews and compliments. I have gotten some constructive criticism which I appreciate, it doesn't happen enough. I want to get better, and I need people to point out what they don't like.

In regards to Bloody Kisses, I want to take down the Fictionpress version, it's just a bad memory. It does have merits though, like Sophette's human side, which has been reduced in the rewrite. It needs to come back, I don't want her to be a generic 'badass' vampire that's too cool for her own good. That's now what Sophette is about. I've been toying with the idea of giving Abryth a larger role in the first book. When I really look at the story, all the pieces are in place for her to be a potential villainousness.

In regards to Aphrodite Academy, I hope to get past this still in the story by Monday. I'm putting a tall work order on myself this weekend, I miss that Nanowrimo borderline psychotic determination, it works wonders with my writing.

I've been working on a t-girl erotica based on Tainted Butterfly. It's a pre-op scene with Mia and Amy. Whenever I'm writing the two of them, sex always creeps up, but I don't give into the urge because the scene never requires sex, and if there is sex, it never gets to the extend of an erotica. Maybe I just have a dirty mind, or maybe I'm just curious about t-girl sex. Either way, I'm writing an erotica so all will be well in the world. I'm also going to write a post-op sex scene for Mia so that it can happen both ways. It wouldn't be a bad idea to write erotica stories for more of my characters, especially the oft requested Sophette/Alyria balls out erotica.

I guess that's it for now.

Submitting to 'Best Lesbian Erotica 2012'

2011-03-04T17:10:00.001-05:00

So I've checked the site, and most of the lesbian erotica submissions insist the writer must be female. I can understand that preference, but it does put me at a major disadvantage. Thankfully, the Best Lesbian Erotica 2012 anthology doesn't have that clause. I'm entering my recent story involving two African American girls. For now, this is my closest chance to being published. I'm going to read over the story to make sure if doesn't have any 'aggressive man tone' in it. I've gotten better about that these past years. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say.

Another good interview.

2011-03-04T14:29:00.002-05:00

I just finished my preliminary interview with a subsidiary of AT&T! I was really worried about this being a pyramid scheme company, but it looks legit and I hope I get called back for a second interview.

The girl at the front desk was annoyingly bubbly and she loved first person shooters. Ugh, she was raving about Call of Duty and his competitive she us, at least she likes 311 and she's sort of pretty, but talks in a Ghetto-valley girl accent, has to be heard.

The woman who interviewed me was pretty chubby which was kinda weird, I liked shaking her hand, it was soft. Okay, now I made myself sound totally creepy, oh and I'm writing this entry from my phone if it matters.

Abby's a talkin'

2011-03-03T23:54:00.000-05:00

So I finally started chapter 53 of Falling for Summer today, and it was a little weird getting back into the groove.
Slight Spoilers ahead!

It felt good to finally be reacquainted with my estranged children. Actually, it's just Abby and her mom so far. The chapter's starting out with Abby going for a morning run with Summer and her mom. Anyone that's been following the story should have a pretty good idea of where this is going. *smiles* I like that Abby's slowly maturing and she's stable enough to have an adult conversation with Maja.

I want to touch on Abby walking in on her parents having sex a few chapters back. It was an interesting scene, and it was really the first time Pam was seen with her hair down, so to speak. It, for the time, put her on even ground with Abby, and then came to many conclusions that day. While there won't be any repeats of that scene, especially involving Stacy, I do want the girls to have stronger relationships with their mothers. Even Summer has boundaries with Stacy, and I want to work through as much as I can without it becoming drama intensive.

Anyway this chapters is going to lead into the barbecue at Tiffany's. For some reason, whenever they go out, Abby always wants a cheeseburger. For someone from California, especially someone that skinny, she should have a wider palette. Well, she did have a Cheese steak with Maja at the fair. I like researching new foods, especially those pancakes Tiffany's mom made, I want some. I want this chapter to be up by the middle of next week. I can't make any promises. I still need to get back to Aphrodite Academy and Bloody kisses.
End of Spoilers!

Speaking of Bloody Kisses, why is it that whenever people mainstream preternatural characters, they cripple all their abilities into making them nothing more than slightly enhanced humans? One of my new favorite shows (which means it must be doomed) is Being Human on Syfy. (Yes I'm aware it's the remake of a UK series of the same name) and the vampire and werewolves are so pathetically weak. Sadly, Underworld is still my benchmark for vampires and werewolves. That's about the realist to how I envision both. While I understand the creators have their reasons, mainly budgets, it would be amazing to see a werewolf actually retain most of their abilities in human form. They make it more of a Bruce Banner/Hulk relationship which is such a waste.

Vampires are far worse, and thanks to Twilight, day walking is slowly becoming mainstream as well. Writers explain that as 'a bullshit myth vampires used to trick humans over the centuries' If True Blood had went that route, I honestly don't think I could have watched the show past episode one. Maybe I'm a jaded writer, but if you're going to create preternatural creatures, don't fuck with the lore to cash in on a fad, write the characters how you really see them, unless you lack the creativity to create something that can stand on its own in the teen paranormal romance section of Barnes & Noble. Yes, I went there.

In regards to my description story, I've made some fixes and reworked a few descriptions so they read better. I want to finish this by tomorrow. I'm entering the second draft and hopefully that will be the last. The story needs a title...

Oh, I have a job interview with a pyramid scheme company tomorrow. Now I'm off to do some late night caffeinated writing.

Finished my Description story!

2011-03-02T19:16:00.000-05:00

Yey, I finished my first writing project of the year. Being that I've taken to writing my stories in drafts, this is the first draft, obviously. Anyway, I'm glad that it's finished.

The descriptions are going to get polished and reworked in order to make the characters realistic, or better than my usual. The problem is that I made skeletal descriptions and filled them in over a series of rewrites. I spend roughly one day on each of the five girls. This did give me time to create viable descriptions, but not to the extent I wanted. Some of the women sound like porn actresses. Another issue is that I focused too much on eyes and not a specific feature of each girl.

I like the ability to go back and fix the weak areas, and really flesh out characters. Am I talking in circles? What I'm trying to say is that this story was a challenge to break my mold of describing people. I need to be more creative, and find new ways to painting a picture in the reader's mind. Actions play an important as well as personality. I've succeeded at showing instead of telling with two of the characters, in one character it was way too much telling.

I hope to have this finished by the end of the week.

In regards to Falling for Summer, the characters are finally talking again, yey! I have a clear idea of what's happening in the next chapter and a little after that. As for the elusive ending, yeah. At least Aphrodite Academy is in good shape, and that story has a clear ending. If all goes well, it will be on Fictionpress sometime this year.

I'm currently awaiting my friend to sign on to PSN so we can play Resident Evil 5, I don't think he's going to being he's been making so many damn excuses, and has been playing Bulletstorm...

Okay, I'm going now.

Computer Build.....take 2.

2011-02-27T23:49:00.000-05:00

Today while talking to my sister over Skype, I again brought to her attention how crappy her video stream was. I initially placed the blame on her crappy webcam, but then remembered she was on a netbook. It turns out her computer finally died, and I saw window of opportunity.

I explained that I could build her a new computer, cheaply and it would blow away her netbook. Hell, most smart phones can blow away netbooks. She's always iffy when it comes to spending, and I broke down the building process and created an online parts list of what I'd need and the cost. She claims to be serious and I really hope she is, it would be my first commissioned build, and it would finally alert the rest of this stingy ass, technophobic family that I actually can build computers. Of course no one seems to acknowledge the two computers I've built, including the monstrous quad core machine I'm currently on. We'll see how this turns out.

I'm almost finished with that description story. I'm on the second to the last girl, I didn't feel like doing anything today which is unfortunate. I hooked up my Sega CDX (which failed to sell on Ebay) I would have thought people wanted something that rare, Sega only made 5,000 in North America. If only if sold as rabidly as my Gamecube Component cable. People are weird with their desires. Anyway, I played one of my all time favorite Sega Genesis Games: Quack Shot. I remember years ago it literally took me an entire day to beat that game. To my embarrassment, I flew though the game in a little over an hour today. Did I seriously suck that badly back then. The game is so easy, and all the bosses have set patterns, once you figure them out, the game is a joke, but it's still super fun.

So there's something that I saw for the first time that I always wonder if it was possible. That is, crushing a watermelon with your thighs. Strangely enough, I just typed it in google and not only found hits but a video! So that means that Roxy, from Tainted Butterfly realistically can crack a watermelon. Of all my (human) characters, she's the only one physically capable of such a feat. If would definitely make Gwen jealous. I thought about Summer, even though she's very fit, her thighs aren't strong enough to crack a watermelon. If she couldn't it would have been one of the first things she bragged to Abby about. That would be such a weird scene.

I wish I had more to talk about, writing wise, but I don't. I haven't updated shit on Fictionpress in months and people have probably given up on me at this point. I AM writing things, it's just these stories aren't going on fictionpress. Well, Aphrodite Academy is 95% going on Fictionpress since the one shots are there. Tainted Butterfly will never be on Fictionpress. As for the Bloody Kisses remake, chances are super slim. I feel bad for the people who start reading that story only to find it abruptly stopped. Sorry.

New writing project...sort of.

2011-02-25T22:16:00.000-05:00

I've started a new writing project, which is basically a series of vignettes focusing on the interactions of a young man and various women he interacts with over the course of a day. It was an idea that started during a conversation with a fellow writer a few nights ago. The idea was to a story that focuses on descriptions of women. Any writer can attest that once you actually start writing, the end result is never like the idea.

It was supposed to play out almost like a movie. The scene opens with a woman, and you get a dramatic breakdown of her details, and them it fades out and fades in with a new girl and the process repeats. As I began brainstorming, then actually writing, I created my first male main character in over ten years. He's a young bartender that works in a beachfront smoothie shop, and the story revolves around the various women he interacts with.

The thing about this story is that I have hold back with the interactions. The goal is to get a clear description of each women, and have a little chatter, then move to the next girl. This doesn't go well with my persistence with plot and fluidity in anything I write. So, there's an underlying plot that connects all the characters, but I won't make it obvious. He'll make little references and so will they, and it's up to the reader to figure it out, or simply ignore it. This isn't a full fledged story, it's more an experiment to see if I can work with a main character, and improve my descriptions/interactions. It's fun creating the women, there's going to be a good variety. The first girl is kind of chubby, and the second is a petite fitness model, so she's somewhat muscular. I've been working on the third girl today, and it just wasn't coming together. I'm going to try again after this, hopefully I can start her, then do the edits tomorrow.

In other news, I took both my finals and am finished with school.....again. I didn't even bother celebrating this time, the luster was long gone. My mom went to New Jersey yesterday for the funeral of a family friend. I need a vacation.

Got my phone back.

2011-02-10T23:58:00.000-05:00

After almost two months, my phone is working again, not that I make many calls on it. That's the great thing about smart phones, they do so much that you often forget the primary function.

In regards to Bloody Kisses, I've been working on Abryth's scene, and going back into the story and tightening up the scene where she was originally mentioned. I have big plans for her, and she's very promising. Speaking of which, I also need to finish the novella I was writing about her.

I haven't touched Falling for Summer in weeks, I can't write if I don't see anything. I'm still waiting until some progression pops into my head, I won't force a new chapter for the sake of writing it. That usually never turns out well, I need some inkling of where I'm going and until that happens, the story is stalled. I hope the readers appreciate quality over quantity.

Off to chill with Mia and the vamps tonight. I have caffeine woo hoo!

Just a little angry.

2011-02-08T22:34:00.000-05:00

Things for the most part, have been stable the last few months. They haven't gotten any better, but having gotten any worse either, which does help.

My job situation feels like it's going nowhere. I hate complaining but this is getting so damn frustration. I do all I can to stay positive and envision myself succeeding, but it's like no matter what, it always comes back to this: nothingness.

I'm angry at the sheer lack of professionalism from this last job I was dealing with. I say was because it looks like that ship has finally sailed. I made it to the third interview last week, and they gave me the usual 'We'll get back to you', which I took as a positive. The interview went well, and I was an excellent choice for the position. So I wanted, and I waited. A week later which was yesterday, I called and I got a voice mail. I promptly left a very polite message explaining who I was, and that I interviewed last week and haven't received any form of correspondence about the job, and most importantly, I left my call back number. Though, they should still have my number on file unless they're just that unprofessional. Anyway, it's 10:18 Tuesday after noon, a day after that call, and they've still made zero effort to contact me after they initially said they would. So, I just have to move on. I'm not going to waste anymore time and energy on this company if they don't even have the decency to tell you they've gone with someone else, I'm not even sure if that's the case because I haven't heard shit from these people.

Okay end of angry rant.

In regards to Bloody Kisses, it's becoming apparent how different this new Sophette is. I know I've mentioned this before, but I think I've changed her too much. In the original Bloody Kisses she was too human--whiny and overly religion. Now she comes off almost robotic in her emotions and far too mysterious for her own good. While I won't go back to the original Sophette, this one needs an injection of her former humanity. She's losing her innocent charm which so many people related with. Otherwise, she'll just become a cold generic vampire, I hate generic. I'm still having trouble with Janice, something's still missing from her character. I wish I had someone who was actually interested in my writing to talk to about these things. I've always been leery of writing groups. Some of the best writers form their own groups because the ones relating to their specific genre of writing just plain suck. I don't know what to call my genre because it's not fully romance, it's more 'that fucked up side of life' type of writing.

That's something I have to look into, forming a writing group of open minded writers who write along the lines of what I do. People who are seriously passionate about writing, and can actually devote time to it. Over the years, I've come across writers who do see things they way I do, but whenever I start to ask for help, they just brush me off with endless excuses. Sure life gets in the way, but if writing is your passion then you will make time for it above all else. I don't know, I'm just so frustrated with people and their bullshit.

I still haven't come up with a replacement pen name for myself. I have considered something androgynous which would help due to 90% of my writing has majority lesbian casts. A writing group has to happen this year, either I find one that works or I start my own. There are many tools that I need to improve myself as a writer, and this is one more.

Maybe if I had a job, I wouldn't be under so much stress. Then again, if I had a significant other, I probably would be a lot happier. One thing at a time. Enough bitching for today.

Stupid Sims 3 and other stuff.

2011-02-04T23:26:00.000-05:00

I really don't like the way EA hands the Sims 3 updates. With each new expansion and stuff pack, it installs on top of the base game. This not only adds to the extraneous loading time, but creates some very nasty glitches and errors with the game due to this stacked process. Some glitches work in your favor, such as cars randomly appearing in the inventories of certain characters when I go to their houses. It's usually that $105,000 car, so I sell it and buy something cheaper, unless my Sim already has a pimped out ride. Nearly every car in my Sims drive is custom. Sophette has the most expensive car in town, a $200,000 Ferarri. It was her Christmas present.

I actually make my Sims work for everything they own. I don't understand why so many people instantly use the money cheat and go crazy with money. Their argument is that it's more fun that way, but it feel like cheating...okay, it is cheating, but it cheapens the experience. I mean, what fun is it if there's nothing to be expected. I like taking a Sim, and getting them a shitty job, while barely making ends meet, and slowly building up a bank account, and upgrading little by little until I can either buy them a new house or build them something nice. All my Sims are rich and they worked for it. My richest family is Parfay, with a few grand short of a million dollars! Sophette and Alyria would have had a million dollars if I hadn't bought Sophette that Ferarri. Even Olivia and her sister, Patty, had made well over $100,000 by merely writing books! Of course, the game glitched and gave Patty a job which she's been at for a few months and now coupled with Olivia's obsessive writing and painting, they have a net income of over $400,000.

But anyway, back to the annoying glitches. I haven't been able to fully update my game since the last patch, and now there's a new patch. I again attempted to update, and kept getting the same error about my base game being invalid. So I search Google for a bit, then the Sims help forums and the only solution that works is to completely uninstall the game, and reinstall everything in order and update. I already did this once last year for the exact same problem. I just don't feel like uninstalling my game and reinstalling. All my downloaded stuff and saves will be fine, it's just the annoyance of this extreme solution to a reckless problem. I appreciate that EA made the Sims 3 have zero loading (once you get into the actual game), but their updating system is horrible. I understand that it is in part to DRM, but it's still ridiculous. I can't even run my game from the launcher anymore, I had to run the actual .exe file in the root folder just to get the game to run. Even more annoying, it was racing my video card, the fan actually kicked in. There's NO reason why this should happen, I'm running a Quad core machine with 4 gigs of ram and a GeForce GTX275 with 768mb of RAM, and yet the fan on my video card kicks in, either that's seriously poor optimization with this new update (which I was able to partially install) or EA just doesn't want me to play with my Sims.

Enough of my Sims 3 rant! I woke up to a nice Falling for Summer review this morning, and they person addressed the accent in the story. I know it's still pretty bad, and at this point, I want to finish the story before I make an attempt to fix it. The problem is that their speech pattern isn't based on any specific region of the south. Even though I live in Georgia, there's no definitive 'Southern tinge' to how people speak here. I've heard super faint to super thick accents. I need study some deep south accents to really get a feeling for the median with Summer and company. I purposely never tell where the story takes place for that very reason. And no, it's not Georgia.

I spent a good part of today reading through Tainted Butterfly. So I decided that I'm going to write two erotica stories based on it. One with Mia pre-op and one post-op. I've been trying to find the right jumping point in the novel that I can start these stories. Of course, they'll be just for my own collection. It's so annoying that Mia having sex won't go away. I'm mature enough not to give into the urge and write pointlessly explicit scenes. I had a few in the story and they're either seriously toned down or gone. I'm not having sex for the sake of it, the story doesn't need it. I've moved past that stage in my writing, no cheap tricks. My strength is in plot and characterization, not cheap hooks. Dialog needs some work, and that is my one of my goals. That's about it for now, I've written way too much about The Sims 3. Goodnight.

Final Interview for this job.

2011-01-28T23:48:00.000-05:00

So today I had the third interview. That's a good sign to make it to the last stage. In the past, I never made it past the first interview for one reason or another. Usually because I didn't have a cousin who worked there, or a relative who owned stock in the company.

Another cool thing about this job is how close it is. It's less then an hour away. I think with good time, I could make it there in 40min, and I don't have to get on the highway! So the interview went well, and I dressed business casual once again. The guys who interviewed me were in hoodies and jeans. I felt overdressed. Once we were through, they said they'd discuss it with their manager and let me know. I have high hopes for this job, and I've been positive throughout that this will finally be the one. I'm guessing I'll find out next week, the wait is killing me!

Being that I felt so unmotivated to do any of my weekly work, I bled it out. I'm caught up with my threaded discussions and I sat down and wrote my weekly paper today while watching Cheaters. It ended up being seven pages. I can't wait till this shit is finally over. Four more weeks, ugh. I'll do my midterm tomorrow, so unmotivated.

As for writing that I actually enjoy, I did some work on Tainted Butterfly last night, did a scene with Mia and her therapist. At this point, there's almost nothing left. I feel like anything that I write is just dragging the story out. I'm so terrible with endings. I've addressed all of the preliminary issues from the first draft, and my mind won't stop weaving into Mia's story. Once I get into the third draft, I'll make assessments so I can resume the cutting. This story is gigantic. :(

In Bloody Kisses, I was writing the scene where Valentina done the famous purple dress, and as I was writing that scene it began to evolve. To truly differentiate this from the original Bloody Kisses, I have to really explore the characters, especially Sophette's motivations. It's not enough to just make her disturbed, you have to understand why she's so fucked up. To that effect, the dress needs more of a significance other than just belonging to someone close to Sophette. The dress is symbolic of how Sophettte views the world. As Valentina is petite, she is viewed as a child, and with the entrance of Sophette, that becomes literal. I'm looking into the various Lolita styles. Sophette, for the most part has carried herself as a gothic Lolita, Valentina has dabbled in multiple version of Lolita from her time with Angelique. The dress is Sweet Lolita, and it's requiring a bit of research in order to reconstruct this dress to compliment both Valentina and Sophette, as well as their current destination which treats such lifestyles as commonplace.

I love writing. Goodnight.

Things are looking up yey!

2011-01-25T22:35:00.000-05:00

Despite my GPS working against me, I was able to make it to my job interview today. Ugh, I bought a new window mount for my TomTom today, all I need is to update the maps which are from 2006. Once I learned the route to my school, I rarely used, except that time to find the Philips Arena to see the lovely Sarah Brightman in concert.

So I had to sell my Adobe CS5 Web Premium upgrade, it hurt, but I'm still learning CS4 and it felt like a waste. On the upside, since it was a free upgrade, any sale equals 100% profit! I also sold an unopened copy of The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time/Master Quest for Gamecube. I had two, so I chucked one on Ebay. So anyway, now that I have a lil bit of money, I can pay some bills. I also need to pick up Tax Cut again so I can do my taxes, whenever the school gets around to sending me my student worker tax form.

Enough of that, my interview went awesome. It's for a job that's basically what I did as a student worker at almost double the pay. I'll actually make real money! I have such a good feeling about this job. The lady said I'd get a call within the week for a phone screening. Turns out they called me this afternoon, unfortunately, I wasn't hope. I was at school, chatting with my old supervisor. I was disappointed that I missed her repeated calls, but she said she's going to call back tomorrow so I'm excited. I feel so relieved, like I actually feel like this is going to work out and I love this feeling.

I don't have a lab in my networking class this week due to midterms. I'm not worried, I'm currently passing both classes and I have to write my weekly paper. I'll get through it. I'm going to try some writing later, I finally have energy drinks, money is great. Of course, I have to be responsible with my money, and still have to budget myself. If this job is confirmed I'm going to celebrate, not sure how. Maybe I'll buy a Mike's Hard Lemonade. No, I can't hold my liquor, nor do I pretend.

So in Bloody Kisses, I finally got Valentina back in the purple dress. For anyone who read the original, you know that's the point where the story takes a turn for the worst. In this version, I wanted more significance behind the dress, and the way how Valentina puts it on. I'm still working on that, it's not coming together quite the way I want it. I'm trying to go for a subtle approach to how seriously fucked up it is. My goal for this scene is for Valentina to play on her child like innocence, despite having the ulterior motive of demoralizing sex with Sophette. It's going to take some time to get this scene right, mainly everyone's reactions and the physical descriptions since they're getting ready to meet Abryth, the other vampire.

I'm happy for once yey!

Another job interview!

2011-01-21T23:36:00.000-05:00

I got a magical call today. It was from a company I applied to on Thursday night. It's a computer repair company. Actually, I applied for a PC Technician position, and when they woman called me back, she explained they had two positions open: call center or computer repair. After my my time working the front desk as a student worker, I suffered much abuse, and would rather not take a second path down that dark road.

The call went well, and I'm actually qualified for the job. My interview is this Tuesday...somewhere in Atlanta. That's the slight hitch. She said she was going to send me an email with an online application, as well as directions to the place in a few minutes. That was roughly six hours ago. There are either two outcomes. Either the email is taking it's sweet ass time traveling through cyber space, or she sent it to the wrong address. It tried calling to get her to resent it, but she had already gone for the day. I doubt they're open on the weekend, but I'm going to call tomorrow morning anyway. I fell really good about this job, it's actually something I want to do, unlike my last job interview which was basically money, but not a job I was comfortable with.

Oh and I totally had caffeine last night, my first energy drink in over a month. I wrote two chapters in Bloody Kisses and had a hard time getting to sleep. You really don't feel the full effect of an energy drink until your body is fully decaffeinated and you're tired. Of course, that also set up for a massive crash, which I've been feeling all day. Since I can't oversleep, I woke up tired and even now I'm still fighting to stay awake. I think I'm going to bed soon, I'm just too tired to write. I didn't even read what I wrote last night, too tired. I have a job interview yey!

More nothingnesss

2011-01-18T22:46:00.000-05:00

A former classmate just posted two pictures of himself getting ready for a job interview. He's wearing a suit and tie, looking real flashy. And what am I doing? Sitting on my ass, watching TV, while refreshing an ebay auction of my loved possessions.

I'm jealous of his success, but it's his own. He's successful because he worked very hard to get where he is. Successful people go after what they want, and don't let anything stop them. I'm such a lazy ass, there are so many ways that I could make money, so many ways that I could improve my life situation, and I do nothing, time and time again. I shouldn't have to sell my anime and video games just to get a few dollars.

There are countless people who never even finished high school, who are self made millionaires. People ten years younger than me own homes AND a car. I haven't written in days, I feel so unmotivated to write. I just don't care, I don't know where my muse has gone, do I even have a muse? Maybe it's the lack of caffeine all these months. I did some of my best writing with an energy drink no my desk. I need a damn job so I can get my life back in order.

I want to finally finish Tainted Butterfly, even though I'm on the second draft, when ended up being even longer than the first! I have horrible pacing issues. It's just--everytime I feel like the story is over, something new pops up for Mia. I know every story has to end, and at this rate Tainted Butterfly will be 1,000 pages. Maybe I can break it into two novels. Something has to be done in order to get the story under 100K.

I have yet to start Eva's novel. She's been so patient with me. I guess I don't feel so guilty because I always see Eva and Parfay in the Sims 3. I like watching my characters interact. I'm still not fond of Eva dating Katy Perry, for the life of me, I don't know how that happened. I don't even know how Katy moved herself into Parfay's house. I guess in the game, Eva and Parfay are never getting together. Sim Parfay doesn't seem to like women anyway. At least Alyria and Sophett are happy, and Elisa's growing into a fine young teen.

Speaking of Bloody Kisses, I still don't have a proper name for the rewrite. I'm not calling it Bloody Kisses due to that being being too generic for a vampire story, and it's already the name of an album. I want something unique. Looking back at my original vision for this rewrite, Janice and Alyria were supposed to have very minor roles. That obviously hasn't happened as Janice is in the story from the first paragraph. When I think of all the popular vampire fiction, I don't know if Bloody Kisses has a place. It's not 'cool' or 'edgy'. It's just a dark, seriously twisted, all around fucked up story. I want my vampires to succeed, but sitting her and wishing won't make it happen. I need to write, write and write some more. I need to try harder and get out of this nothingness.

Job interview

2011-01-14T00:09:00.000-05:00

I had my job interview today, and I believe it went well. I arrived a half hour early due to the weather. It wasn't too bad out, I did feel the car skid once or twice. Other than that, I made it there safely. I wore business clothes, with black boots so I wouldn't drop on my ass. Thankfully, my khakis covered my boots, so they passed for dress shoes.

As for the interview, it's for a loss prevention position. I'm not too fond of that, but I can't be picky with employment right now. The guy was throwing out questions, and I was giving him some heavy answers. I might have references my student IT job a wee bit too much, but that factored into the majority of his questions, and he seemed happy. Though that's his job. I made it a point to maintain eye contact until it became uncomfortable for him, smiling hurts my face. I didn't smile too hard, but not enough to make it look like I'm trying.

My face doesn't go to that default 'median' setting that most people have. My face defaults to a combination sad/angry, and people are always asking me 'Why are you so sad?'. I'm not even sad half the time, it's just my expression....and demeanor, I suppose.

So there's some thing going around about all the astrology signs being changed. I cared for about 3 minutes then went back to writing my paper. I honestly don't care about astrology.

I was going to write about this new story idea I had--but hell, I forgot it! Guess it wasn't a great idea after all, or maybe, I should carry around a pen and notepad like most writers. No, I use the notepad on my phone. Why didn't I write it down? Maybe it was during the interview. I swear I have the memory of a 90yr old sometimes. Maybe I should bring Sophette's daughter back in Bloody Kisses, that would be interesting. Of course it would seriously complicate matters and really hurt Valentina. Ugh, what a fucked up story.

Eh, I finished writing the draft of my networking paper, so I'm going to waste away for an hour or so before going to bed. I need to write something tomorrow, maybe Aphrodite Academy. Leah's been waiting patiently enough.

Another day, more disappointment

2011-01-11T22:19:00.000-05:00

Well, I just took a quiz and didn't do so well. I read the entire chapter, answered questions on my study guide, and it still wasn't enough. I have to try harder.

Since the snow/ice story began on Sunday, I haven't left the house all week, with the exception of getting the ice off my car and letting it run for a bit. It's so depressing being depressed. I feel so worthless not having a job, and all I have to look forward to is my interview on Thursday. So much is riding on my getting this job. Even at this stage, I know I'm still better off than millions, even if I have no money. Life is weird like that.

My brother's stuck at his girlfriend's house, and I was thinking to myself, we could have pork--if we knew he wasn't coming back on Sunday afternoon. I miss bacon and all the yummy parts of a pig. Someday, I keep telling myself. Yeah, it'll all work out great. I have a hard time believing what I'm supposed to believe. It just frustrates the hell out of me that I can't do anything right. I feel like my writing is just chugging along in every story, and I'm never going to move out of this damn house. Everything just makes me want to scream, I can't even remember the last time I screamed--maybe it was around the last time I cried, which I also can't remember. Years. Maybe I'm a robot.

I don't want to wake up from this nightmare. I just want to cease. The world is moving past me, and I'm stuck in this hell I've created years ago. Sure, there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but my car's out of gas with four flat tires and there's s whore of zombies surrounding me. What will it take for this to all go away? This is too depressing, I need to write positive things. I could go on and on about this and that, but who cares? I'm sick of me, why wouldn't anyone else. I have to pass these two classes, I'm not an overachiever, I don't have anyone pushing me, especially not parents. They don't understand, to them it's just another thing to do. I want to look at tasks that simply, but my mind doesn't work that way.

I feel like Alyria when her world grows dark. She just sits there, staring blankly ahead, and asking herself why. Was it her fault she was born different, or that her parents never gave a damn about her? Or why she's madly in love with a pedophile. Well, I don't feel exactly like her, but I'm feeling more like Alyria than Olivia lately. It doesn't even scares me anymore, I just don't care.

Trapped.

2011-01-10T21:48:00.000-05:00

Georgia is pretty much covered in a layer of ice. Nearly every building is closed, and just as many will be closed tomorrow. It's weird though, it rarely snows in the south, and even this time the news person said it was 1/8 of an inch. Even so, the snow wasn't the problem, it was the ensuing ice. There have been dozens of accidents from those who just had to be on the road. The governor was asking everyone not to go outside if they didn't have to. Can't blame the guy.

I got an email and call from my school's emergency system telling me that classes are canceled for today and tomorrow. I would have been relieved if not for the fact I'm taking online classes. Besides, who in their right mind was going to drive on frozen high ways to school? It's not worth your car.

Speaking of school, it's the second week of classes and I'm off to a bumpy start. I started my threaded discussions yesterday, and did my networking lab.My security lab is confusing the hell out of me. It's been so long since I've done this stuff, makes me wish that I had tried even hard the first time. Well, I'm going to try my hardest and I'm not expecting an A. But, I know I can pass both these classes.

I'm trying my damnest to get rid of this ingrained defeatist attitude that I have. Even my mom tells me I'm too negative about everything, and that hurts. I mean, if someone (generally oblivious to everything) can see that, then yeah, I do have problems. Being unemployed is just adding to my endless stream of depression fodder. I want to see that upside to things, but all I can think about is how it will always go downhill to maintain a balance. I put another anime series up for sale on half.com: My Chobits Box set with the stationary kit. It kills me to sell my anime, but I'm pretty much out of options until I can get a job. I have an interview on Thursday, and I'm trying to think positively about this.

Hopefully, I can stay on track and finish up this week's work by Wednesday. It worked last week, even though the load was much lighter. I'm going to write my paper after I finish the required reading for my networking class.

I worked on a new Tainted Butterfly scene between Mia and Roxy. It's much deeper than I expected. I really don't know what do to with that story, it's so damn long.

Aphrodite Academy is reaching that apex, and I think that Lea is finally coming into her own. I'm hoping this story won't go past 110K. It's currently shy of 99K and there's still a bit to go. It would be nice if I could write short things.

Bloody Kisses is moving along, I had a really fucked up idea for the maidens that is definitely getting implemented. Overall, I've noticed this version is 'less aggressive' than the original. While the story is overall better, more polished and everything is more fleshed out, I still feel that it's lost some of that edge. There were little details from the original which were lost in translation. I've fixed many of the weakness, but at what cost? I mean, was being so broken what made Bloody Kisses work in the first place?

Falling for Summer is at a stand still. I haven't even touched that story since the last update. Well, I have been editing random chapters, I wonder if first time readers will notice. Sometimes, I seriously wish I hadn't posted Falling for Summer on Fictionpress until I finished it. As is, people are desperately waiting for a resolution and all they get are carrot sticks.

I honestly don't know about Groove To Da Beat. I really need to look long and hard at this story, and see what changes need to be made. It's not as bad as Bloody Kisses was, but is still a broken story. I seem to have many of those.

I need someone to talk to. Why is everyone ignoring the all might fuck out of me? It's like all my friends are suddenly way too busy. I send emails, texts, I even fucking call and nothing, everyone's always busy. Am I that unimportant to people that they can't even send me a damn reply to say they're busy rather than outright ignore me? And people wonder why I'm so depressed. Oh well, that's the purpose of this blog, to bitch in the lonely halls of the internet.

Setting a clear path.

2011-01-04T00:15:00.000-05:00

It's currently the 4th day of 2011, and I have yet to speak to my father. It's not for a lack of effort, he's just never home when I call. I have his cell phone number, it's just if I call from the house phone, there's a large chance of crazy static across the line. I don't know why that happens on out of state calls. I'm currently having 'issues' with my phone at the moment. I feel terrible and don't want him to think I'm ignoring him. I'll try again in the morning. :(

Being today is Tuesday, I'll finally get an update on a prospective job. I can't help but think of all the things this job can help me with, mainly financially. I'm keeping an open mind, and hoping to hear some good news later today, whenever the guy updates me.

I did both of my iLabs today, and handed in my research paper. That's about 70% of this week's work finished, plus I did some threaded discussions. I just found out on the syllabus in my security class, we get at least half credit just for attempting the labs. That's a tremendous relief, because I know I'll need all the help I can on the later labs. They're plain ridiculous.

Speaking of tech stuff, I've been having an annoying BSOD (Blue Screen of Death) problem ever since uninstalling Norton 360 4.0. I loved that service, but it expired on me, and I was unable to renew. Version 5.0 is coming out in a few months, I'll save up for it. In the mean time, I've been forced to suffice with freeware for all my security needs. It turns out, my PC doesn't like many of the free alternatives. I've gone through Avast! Antivirus, Avira, Zone Alarm and AVG. Now I'm running McAfee that I received in my student software package, I totally forgot about that. Even though I despise McAfee, it works. I had to junk Zone Alarm, after doing some research and it might be the culprit behind my MANY blue screens. It was making me so paranoid, and I was ready to take this PC apart to see if I had any loose hardware. So far I haven't had any crashes with this new freebie firewall. Ugh, I hate freeware, it requires so much damn upkeep!

Anyway, as per my goal for the year, I have 2 1/2 Books that I currently need to read.

Obsidian Butterfly (I should have finished this ages ago!)
Narcissus in Chains
The Outlaw Demon Wails (My first Kim Harrison)

Well, I need to get in some scholastic reading for my security class. I want to have both quizzes finished by Wednesday, and that means I need to read these boring ass chapters. *frowns*

Back in school and trying to stay positive

2011-01-02T16:49:00.001-05:00

This marks my first post of 2011. I didn't think my blog would last this long. :)

So, I'm officially back in school. *groans* I started work for both my classes. All this stuff feels so foreign to me, I don't know much about security being that's not major. The networking class shouldn't be too difficult. I'm not expecting A's here. My goal is to get a high C in both classes.

I know what my strengths and weaknesses are. I'll try my hardest on the discussions and writing assignments, those I'm not too worried about. As for the labs and quizzes, there's some hesitation. If I try my hardest, it should be enough to get me through the classes, that's all I can really do. I've been given this opportunity to finish and I'm going to make the most of it. That being said, it still sucks to be back in school again. I was getting used to being 'accomplished'. In time, I suppose.

As with my goal to read twenty or so novels this year I have two and a half that I need to read, so that's going to help. I really need to branch out in terms of what I read. They say, to really be a good writer, you need to experience every genre, fiction and non. Still, I can't see myself reading a book 'written' by the likes of a TV reality star or socialite. It may be necessary, I mean there are plenty of accomplished authors, both published and non, that have even read through the entire Twilight saga. Whether it was of their own volition, or merely to avoid being left out of the endless discussions about the series. Really though, if that many people are talking about something, do you seriously need to read the entire series, even if you don't like it? Just wondering because I've come across quite a few instances of people 'hating' something, yet obsessing over it because everyone else is.

Okay, enough of that downward path. I'm making a game plan for how I'm tackling my school work these next eight weeks.

Sunday: I'm going to start the threaded discussions. If I post first, I won't look like a fool when one of the experts makes a freaking six paragraph post. At least I'll have gotten the ball rolling, and the rest of my responses an support or argue whatever they say, rather than try to make a post that compares to what came from someone who probably works in IT while going to school. I also want to do my labs which will likely take between 2-3 hours.
Monday: I have a weekly 2 1/2 page paper due for my networking class. I want to knock that out in one day, in order to make time for the required reading. I'll also make the second post in the threaded discussions for the week.
Tuesday: I make my third post in the threaded discussions, and finish up my reading for the weekly quiz in both classes.
Wednesday: I take both quizzes, and I'll be finished for the week.

That's a tight schedule, but I need structure in my life. If I can stick to this, I'll have a damn good shot of not falling behind in either class, and minimizing my stress levels. Of course, those quizzes are going to be a killer, that's where the reading comes in handy. It's just, I love reading--things that I enjoy. Reaching text books is SO damn boring, I've falling asleep countless times while doing required reading. There's also the endless distractions. I'll have to turn off the IM's and minimize all web activity while working, similar to what I did during Nanowrimo.

Oh, and before I forget, I've come to a very serious decision regarding my writing. I've outgrown Knightmare Elite. That name sounds so arrogant and immature. I've had it for ten years, and I was 19 when I came up with it. My writing has matured and so have I. I don't know what my new pen name will be. I mean, seriously, who would buy a published novel by an author named Knightmare Elite. It wounds like some douche frat boy, that's a closet World of Warcraft addict. So there's my first major news for 2011, I'm retiring Knightmare Elite. It won't happen overnight, I need to come up with a new name that suits me, and doesn't sound arrogant, or aggressively male.

Anyway, enjoy the year. Think good things!

Might have a job, Gunslinger Girl

2010-12-28T23:04:00.000-05:00

I went to school to finalize my financial aide and scheduling stuff. Everything is finally taken care of, and I'm officially re-enrolled for January. :(

On a more positive note, it looks like I may have a job. I really don't want to jinx myself, but I feel really confident about this. I owe it all to one of my former co-workers. I've mentioned her a few times, as the 'petite' woman, whose computer I worked in a few times. Turns out, one of her friends is in need of someone to do light IT work. From the description, it's exactly what I was doing at my old job, except this actually pays enough to get me back on my feet. Actually, it would be the most money I've ever made at a job. The slight downside is this is a temp to hire position.

If I can make a good enough impression during my time there, he most assured me there's a chance I could have an extended stay, which I would very much appreciate. This place is about 40 min away, minimum. I don't have the address, just know the town. I have to stay positive, and I really appreciate her giving me this opportunity. That also reinforces the saying, It's what what you know, but who you know.

I finally started watching Gunslinger Girl Season one today. Man, that is one seriously dark anime. For some reason I kept thinking about Bloody Kisses while watching it. It's one of the darkest anime I've possibly ever seen, and I've seen some fucked up anime. It's up there with Elfen Lied and Neon Genesis Evangelion, in that 'so dark and fucked up, but really makes you look at humanity in a different light' type of way.

I'll probably watch season two tomorrow. I bought both seasons on Blu Ray a while back, and never got around to watching them. It's not for everyone, and it has some genuine creepiness and pedophillic overtones. In a way, I think this anime was an inspiration for that failed TV show 'Doll House', it's similar in a way, but different enough to avoid being accused of stealing ideas.

I'm super nervous about this potential job. The guy is going to get back to me tomorrow, and I'll find out if I'm finally employed. I really hope this happens.

Christmas in Georgia

2010-12-25T19:33:00.000-05:00

Well, due to many circumstances, I'm spending this Christmas in Georgia. It sucks, but that's nothing new. The holidays always make me sad because everyone's so festive, and it's the time you relapse into memories, or make new ones.

It's hard to get into the holiday spirit when no one else is. I look outside hardly saw any lights all month, maybe 4 Christmas songs on the radio all month, and being in the south, it almost never snows. Surprisingly, it started snowing this afternoon. My car is covered in snow, as is the mailboxes and roofs around the neighborhood.

The day is almost over, and I've done my best to stay upbeat. I woke up this morning without any help, I have my mental health in tact, and both my parents are alive. I'll consider that my Christmas present. There are people who don't have any place to sleep tonight. There are people who don't have a computer, or Internet access to voice their grievances with the world. There are millions of people who wish their parents were alive, just to have a few months with them today, or the ones whose parents died on Christmas day for whatever reason.

Something, it'll get better. I'll have my own place, and the money to buy the things that I've always wanted. For now, this is my life, and I'm okay for the day, even without seeing my friends.

Merry Christmas to whoever's reading this.

Southern Holiday

2010-12-22T13:47:00.000-05:00

So I'm sitting here, thinking about how normally I'm in New Jersey by this time of the year. It doesn't feel like December at all down here. There's no snow, hardly anyone has Christmas decorations, and all festivity is regulated to TV and radio, even then it's pretty muted.

I'm not feeling as depressed about the end of the year, or being stuck in Georgia as I expected. There's still time of course. I just want things to get better. I've filled out even more job applications, and things are at a standstill. All my bills are rolling over for January, and I have no idea as to what I'm going to do. I pray and hope for the best, is always feels like everyone else gets what they want. I'm really trying not to complain and just try my hardest because that's all I can do.

As for the coming year, I know what my resolution will be. I'm not even bothering saying 'This is the year I get published' because it's too underwhelming. No, my goal for 2011 is to read twenty novels minimum. As a writer, I understand that I'm severe lacking in the 'bookshelf' attribute. I haven't read 1/8 of what I've written. If future finances allow it, I want to finish (or at least get caught up in) The Antia Blake series, start reading some Kim Harrison, and a few other prominent authors in one of my focused genres. It wouldn't hurt to read some of the Sookie Stackhouse novels which my beloved True Blood is based off.

I guess to most authors that's not much of a resolution being they likely read 2-3 novels a month. I need to rationalize my goals, to be a better writer, I need to take all the necessary steps. Reading is important because it not only opens your mind, but gives you an idea of what's possible in your genre. It's also a way of learning new techniques and styles which you can integrate into your own for that definitive voice.

I've sold two of my anime. :( It really sucks but I need the money. I really don't want to sell anything. It was my unopened Akira Tin 2-disc movie, and my Serial Experiments Lain collection. Hopefully, I can get a call back from one of those endless companies I've applied to. I have my Tenchi Muyo! Ultimate Edition up on Half.com and I pray no one buys it. :( *sighs, happy holidays all.* Be grateful for all you have.

2nd draft of Tainted Butterfly.

2010-12-16T20:10:00.000-05:00

The title says it all, I've finally entered the second draft of Tainted Butterfly. I just accepted all the changes and finally converted it to an Office 2007 document. The story has swelled to a staggering 740 pages and 368,000 words. My plan to cut the story down to something reasonable has backfired miserably.

Part of the reason for the story blowing up was all the fixes I had to make. I also fleshed out all of the characters and started repairing plot holes. I thought there wasn't any more to Mia's tale beyond successful SRS. I'd added foundation and stability to Mia's relationship with Amy. I've also smoothed out the relationship with Mia and Roxy into something sensible.

There is still lots of work to do in the story. The glaring issue is the massive size. There's a 0.005% chance that I could get this story published as-is. I hate cutting and it needs to happen regardless of what I think. What to cut? In every story that I've written, I've yet to create a couple whose names mesh together in that annoyingly cute way. How do you mash Mia + Amy? Um, Mamy? Amia? Miamy?

The amount of research that I've poured into Mia is just crazy, and I still haven't gotten it all. That really goes to show how much transsexual women go through, and they're so misrepresented in the media. It's like if she's not one of the super hot ones, people ignore her or cast her off as a confused transvestite. It's not fair to immediately pass judgment on people purely based on ignorance and assumption. After all this time, I'm still learning little things about HRT and transsexuals in general. I know Tainted Butterfly will never be perfect, I just hope I get close enough that transwomen would be proud to read it.

In other news, I've finally secured a loan in order to retake my final two classes. I'm calm now, there won't be any rage. I could cast blame and turn this into a bit whiny post but I'm trying to stop that. I don't want to go back to school, part of me does, and I hate that part of me.

The job search is crawling and I tire of filling out applications but if I do nothing, nothing happens. Things will get better, not right now though.

Sympathetic or just plain stupid

2010-12-12T23:32:00.000-05:00

Being that tomorrow is my mom's birthday, she has this whole plan of going to the 'Golden Coral' for a birthday dinner. We were going after church and she was talking about it for weeks. So early this morning while I was taking out my church clothes to iron, she says that she's not going!

Now my mom is a certified Jesus freak, and if she's not going to church, there definitely has to be a reason. Though over the years, my mom has been more susceptible to influences by people she deem way more knowledgeable than her. (People on TV telling her not to eat just about every food because of some suddenly discovered health issue for instance). Last night she heard on the news is was supposed to snow today. Granted, it actually snowed last year, enough to make my school close early. Realistically, this is the south and that's a rare occurrence.

My mom didn't want to go because of the weather, and I didn't bother arguing. She was disappointed that she didn't get to go out for her birthday. She instead, took out some food from the freezer and went to work preparing dinner. I felt bad, that she didn't get to go out. Not that I have lots of money, or any for that matter. Last week, she did mention wanting a Snuggie. I told her the hell I went through last year to find one while in NJ.

I've been checking stores and I found one, with a coupon for under $13! Well, I still have to go and buy it. As long as the roads aren't icy or anything tomorrow, I'll go and get it. My car is in desperate need of an oil change. I hope I can get that accomplished tomorrow, as well as deal with this school drama. Why am I always going out of my way for my mom? Two days ago, I had to pick up another check from my brother, I swear he'll be off for days, and all of a sudden he gets this check he needs to pick up halfway across the state on the day he has to work, and he asks me to pick it up for him.

My sister sent my mom pictures of her daughter in pre school. So my mom walks in and says my sister is asking me to put them online. My sister's fiance is a freaking Photoshop master, he has like six computers at her house AND a fucking scanner. I don't understand the logic of refusing to ask him, but send a picture all the way to Georgia, and then ask someone else to do it. Speaking of which, she for some reason refuses to either fix or buy a new webcam. I keep telling her to fix the damn thing so my mom can see her granddaughter over Skype. Maybe I'm asking too much. I should just shut my mouth and do what everyone asks even though they'd never do it for me.

This family is just....ugh, I swear.

I'm going back to writing. Sophette and Alyria need me

There's surely an upside.

2010-12-08T22:19:00.000-05:00

So my college dropped a massive bombshell on me today. To make a very long and stressful story short, I 'technically' didn't graduate. Regardless of the fact I sat in the assembly in my cap and gown, they called my name up to receive my diploma holder and have lots of pictures to verify my appearance, I'm eight credits short of being officially graduated. Gotta love those ridiculously late audits.

What really bothered me was the fact they didn't say shit to me until today. I called them back and asked if there was a red flag, then shouldn't I have been told right there? Don't sign me off as finished, which includes signing off on all my clearance forms. My friend came down from NJ, my family was there and I felt like I accomplished something, and now because of their inept verification system, they're going to snatch that away from me?

You know what really made me question this day? My mom was actually being supportive. She was like "Don't thin that way, you did good. You still graduated and it was important." I didn't expect that from my mom, and at the time I was still filled with too much anger and sadness the words to resonate. I went to school and started the wheels yet again, so in a matter of moments I went from college graduate to, student. :(

I know the saying, 'Everything happens for a reason'. Sometimes I really believe that, this time...I don't know. I have to take two classes, with a new graduate date of the end of February. As much as I hate networking, I have no choice but to grind through these classes and get back what is rightfully mine, my Graduate status. I have to change all my resumes now, and the ones that I sent out...it's going to be awkward explaining to hiring managers that I'm no longer a graduate. That's grounds for termination if you get caught lying about that, even though technically I'm not lying since I did physically graduate.

I've since calmed down and drank lots of water. Drinking too much makes me pee, then again, not drinking makes me pee too. My friends make fun of me for that. It must be some medical condition or something. Nothing else going on, I've been writing as usual.

Chpt 52 of Falling For Summer is coming along. It may be up the end of this week or maybe not. It really depends on how much of this school preparation I'll have to go through. I feel depressed, it was such an awesome feeling being finished, no homework, and the damn accomplishment. *calms down*.

Everything happens for a reason, what is the reason?

Expectations

2010-12-05T10:00:00.000-05:00

I'm just doing a quick post before church. Right now, I'm listening to 'Ur a WMN Now' by Otep. I love that song, and it was played heavily during Nanowrimo. It perfectly fit two pivotal scenes.

As people say, the post Nano depression is really setting in. It's not like normal depression which is year round, this is from the loss of the awesome community, everyone was supporting you regardless of how over-the-the-top any of your ideas were. And best of all, you didn't have anyone going 'Well that idea might not work because blah blah blah'. I got enough of that before Nano, so it was a breath of fresh air to actually have people who were interested in your writing and actually talked to you about it and gave helpful advice.

Well, Aphrodite Academy isn't finished. I've written 50 chapters in 30 days, so that's an excellent foundation. Looking back at the Aphrodite Academy one shots I have on Fictionpress, I can see a few inconsistencies which are to be expected in the Nanowrimo format. I'm still giving myself a short break from the story. If not, everything else gets neglected.

I finally finished and uploaded Chpt 51 of Falling for Summer. It was sitting in the folder since Oct 31. I tried to finish it before midnight and it just wasn't happening. I'd rather put up a quality chapter than a half assed effort. It still bothers me how many spelling and grammar errors I see when I read my chapters over online. It's like nothing changes. I have received a lot of help from reviewers and I'm too slow with implementing the fixes. With my 'down time' I should start fixing up my writing, even if no one reviews, the people who read will surely appreciate it.

So one of my friends is finally in a relationship. She was someone that I sort of liked for a long time. It hurts to see her with someone else, but I'm happy for her too. She's always been so down on herself saying that no one will ever love her. Now she met her guy and he's even in the service. I do my best to support her in her relationship, even though a part of me wishes that were me. That's just life. I guess if we didn't live on the opposite sides of the country, things would have been different.

Anyway, I should get dressed. I had a blast working on Bloody Kisses last night. I'm really playing around with the process of turning and Sophette was teaching Valentina how to glamour. It was really deep and I liked the slight psychic properties that were involved. Actually, it did go deeper to the point that Valentina became unconscious.

Later.

Nanowrimo Day 30

2010-11-30T23:25:00.001-05:00

Well it's currently 11:10 and I'm sitting at 91,020 words and I'm smiling.

Aphrodite Academy is still having the same pacing issues as Tainted Butterfly, just not as bad. It's an issue that I'm going to have to find a way to overcome. At least I have a shred of an idea pertaining to how this story ends. I've throw in some nice points that will easily carry this to the inevitable sequel. If now for Nanowrimo, I really wonder how long Aphrodite Academy would have sat in limbo. The same can be said about Tainted Butterfly.

That's what I love about Nanowrimo, it gives you a chance to dive head first into 'that story', that you've been sitting on for whatever amount of time. While may look like Aphrodite Academy is practically finished, I'll put it this way: The story follows a school year starting in August, and I've just reached December! :(

By all accounts, Aphrodite Academy is long enough to be recognized as a novel, so I'm happy about that. Of course this also the first draft. To be perfectly honest, I really don't feel like writing anymore. I'm obviously not going to finish this story in the 44 minutes I have left of Nanowrimo 2010. I love Lea and her world but I need a damn break. In 2008 I kept writing Mia past 12:00 Dec 1 all the way to 3AM. This year, I'm ready to take a day or two break from Lea and go back to Mia. Why do their names rhyme, am I that uncreative?

I don't even remember where I left off in Tainted Butterfly. I do remember where I left off in Falling for Summer. I really want to finish that scene so I can hopefully upload the chapter tomorrow. It may not happen due to burnout, but I'll make a valiant effort.

This year felt more like Nanowrimo than last year did. While I didn't bail on the Bloody Kisses rewrite, it just wasn't coming together as fast as I had needed. A year later, the story is going strong and the pieces are finally connecting. It just needed time, something which isn't on your side in Nano. Well, that's a lie I mean I honesty took my time this year. The last week, I was just making the daily 1667 and little more. I already blazed past 50K weeks ago, and I didn't feel that mad rush. I think it's getting past 50K, it took me twice as long just to reach 60K. Still, this is the most I've ever written in 30 days so I'm very proud of myself.

If I don't make an update to this, then let the aforementioned number say as my final count for Nanowrimo 2010. I love my certificate!

Also to all my writing buddies, win or lose, you rock!

Birthday Post

2010-11-23T23:24:00.000-05:00

That's my Red Velvet birthday cake with Cream Cheese frosting. My mom made it for me, it was good, albeit sweet, but good.

I turned 29 today and one step closer to the dreaded 30. Thirty is so depressing, it's like that's where your live starts doing down hill, you're no longer young, and have to settle for adult, not young adult, just adult.

For the most part, I STILL feel the same way I did in high school. Granted, I'm more mature and all. But, I still share many of the same views, still love video games and anime, and love boobs. Of course my preference of women has chanced from thin models to curvy and voluptuous women. I don't mean massive women, I mean chubby in a she can still look down and see her feet way.

Looking back on this year of my life, I don't count it as a total failure. I graduated college, that has to count for something. Plus I'm currently at 75,137 in Nanowrimo 2010, so I've already won. Let's see I got a new HDTV (finally), gave my barely used laptop to my niece in Jamaica because she needed it way more than I did. It made me feel good to help her. I really want to build a computer to give away to my church for Christmas. There are lots of people can't afford a computer. Ironically, I can't afford the parts to build a computer to give away. Such is the life of the unemployed.

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving. We're going to my brother's girlfriend's house. It'll be a nice chance of scenery. Unfortunately, he'll spend the afternoon watching football, and she'll probably ask me to look at the computer which is forever having problems. If only people would take care of their things..

It also sucks that I won't be going to New Jersey this Christmas. I just don't have the money and I'm looking for a job. Before, it was easy to go because I had a job to come back to and I was in school. Now I can't take a vacation regardless of it I need one. Oh well, the day is almost over, I'm 29 and I had cake. Good enough.